Discussion in 'Home Made Cards' started by Whimsical, Sep 3, 2000.
I'm adulating! I'm adulating!
Boy, that sounds... <fill in the blank>
Well, do you need a towel?
Another possibility: an underhanded, treacherous sneakthief who also happens to be a nudist. Starke Naked.
Did I keep you guys waiting? <laughs> Don't y'all worry now. Grab some popcorn, relax, sit back and watch the latest episode of ... <cue "We're Not Going To Make It" by the Presidents of the United States as intro music> ... "The Weatherlost Saga!"
<picking up from where we left off, we find Spidey, proud minotaur first mate of the Weatherlost in the hold fighting off a bout of nausea next to a somnolent Sleepy>
Spidey (groaning): I hate those flashback sequences ... <looking more and more pale-faced by the moment> I really do. They give me motion-sickness... bllleeaaaaahhhh.... <looking slightly green now> Oh, no ... <starts scrabbling up the walls frantically> ... must ... <crash> reach ... <scrabble, scrabble, crash> toilet ... <scrabble, scrabble, scrabble, crash, crash, crash> NOW!!!
Sleepy (cracks an eye to see Spidey race up the walls and crash through the wooden roof of the hold): So HE was the one playing scrabble. Zngork... zzzz...
<just outside the captain's cabin>
Apollo: Mon cherie! Open ze door! <pounds the door futilely> Open up, I say! <pound, pound> Together, ve vill fly high, you and I! <pound, pound> And where did I develop this French/German accent? <shrugs and continues pounding on the door>
Purple (scrambling up the gangplank, sees the first familiar face and makes a beeline for Apollo, reaches him and screams in his ear as he's pounding on the door): HEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!
Apollo (lying stunned on the floor): Would you like to shout in my other ear, Purple? I think I still have some hearing left there...
Zadok (muffled by the door): Is that you, Purple?! Bad hands! Bad, bad hands!!! Mmmmmm... Aaaaaagggggghhhh!!! <flings door open> Heeeeeelllllppppppppp mmeeeeeeee!!!
Purple: Uh, sure. <waves hand over Zadok> Abra, Kadabra, and the final evolution, Alakazam! <Zadok's normal debonair self shimmers into view> There. Back to business. <screams into Zadok's ear> HEEEEEELLLLLLPPPP!!!
Zadok (lying stunned on the floor): Would you like to shout in my other ear, Purple? I think I still have some hearing left there...
Apollo (lying stunned besde Zadok on the floor): Hey! I already made that wisecrack!
Apollo: By the way, did you see a ravishing bird maiden flying by as if her virtue depended on it a moment ago?
Zadok: Uhhhhh ... <gives a quick glance at chest to confirm lack of cleavage> Nope.
Apollo (looking crestfallen): Aaahhhh. Another one slips my grasp once again.
Purple (bending down to scream into Zadok's ear): HEEELLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPP MMEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Zadok: Okay. NOW I'm totally deaf. If anyone needs me, I'll checking up on PPE and Cat in the kitchen. <wanders off humming, purple aura of magic flaring ... transforms into a ravishing cat maiden as he rounds the corner> Now why do I feel like stroking myself all of a sudden?
Apollo (watches Zadok leave with some amusement): So what's the fire, Purple?
Purple (calmly points to the Cosmic Horror slithering its way along the beach towards the wreckage of the Weatherlost): Um, that?
Apollo (standing up): Now how in the heck did you go and call THAT thing? It looks Lovecraftian...
Purple (pulling out the weatherbeaten book): Um, I was reading this line <flips open to the page> ... chanting "'la, 'la Hastur! 'la Hastur!" and watching the cosmic energies around me grow dark and threatening...
Apollo (eyes light up at the sight of the book): A Pocket Necronomicon for Dummies! Second Printing! <looks at the page> Let me guess ... you went, 'la, 'la Hastur! 'la Hastur! Hastur!!! Right? Don't you know this incantation summons a Cosmic Horror?!
Purple (rolling her eyes): You've proven your point, bird boy. <points to the second Cosmic Horror slithering its way along the beach>
Apollo and Purple: Uh-oh.
<off at the aft cabin>
PPE: Ah-hah! I've found it! <grabs a small satchet without bothering to read the label from the corner of the cabinet and quickly dumps it into the steaming pot of tea>
Cat (yawning): Catnap over! Oooooohhhh ... <spots the teapot> With a spot o' milk, please!
PPE (rolling eyes and pouring a cup with a grin): Would you like scones with that?
Cat: Most assuredly! Thank you, good man for the tea! <starts drinking the tea with his pinky finger up>
PPE (grumbling): Dadblasted snooty cats. <remembers what he put in> Hehehehehehehe. Five, four, three, two, one...
Cat (dropping back to normal voice): Minty! So what was the count about, PPE?
PPE: Bwahahahahahahaha!!! Fool! You have just fallen victim to the old emetic in the tea trick! Mwahahahahahahahahaha!!! <fireworks explode in the background as he laughs> That stuff is guaranteed to give you the Hershey Squirts for a week!!!
Cat: Funny. I don't feel anything...
PPE: Eh? <looks at the label> Catnip?! $^$^#^&$%#$@!!!
Cat: Mwahahahahahahahaha!!! Fool! You have just fallen for the old switch the emetic for the tea with something innocous trick! Mwahahahahahahaha!!! <fireworkds explode in the background as he laughs> That stuff is just an aphrodisiac for my species and with no ravishing cat maidens around for miles and miles...
Zadok (opening door): Hi, guys!
PPE and Cat: Uh-oh.
Zadok: What? You'll have to speak up! I'm temporarily deaf and I've just been turned into a ravishing cat maiden by Purple. Darn inept sorceress princess. Why're you guys looking at me like that? Cat? What's with the funny look? Why are you giving me the same look Apollo gave me when I was in that ravishing bird maiden body? Bad hands! Guys? Same look ... Emperor Cat ... ravishing cat maiden. Uh-oh. <runs helter-skelter out the aft cabin>
Cat: Come back, my little kitten! <races after Zadok>
PPE (shrugs and starts baking pies again): Another day in the life of the crew of the Weatherlost...
<down in the hold>
Sleepy (hearing a familiar voice, cracks an eye open): I KNOW that voice. <waxes grandiosely> I followed her dirge only to find out it was a song...
Unknown female voice: Idiot! You've got it all mixed up!
Sleepy (sighing): She's here...
What will happen to our brave captain when and if Emperor Cat catches up with him? How will Purple and Apollo deal with the upkeep of TWO Cosmic Horrors? Will Spidey reach the toilet in time? Will Pie-Eater bake something other than more pies? And just who IS that unknown female voice that Sleepy is talking to?
All this and more, in the next installment ... <cue "We're Not Going To Make It" by President of the United States as ending music> "The Weatherlost Saga!"
'Till next time, y'all!
I can be in it?
how come there was a cat but no cat food?
::Sitting in the story circle, waiting for the next installment::
Can i please be in it Whimsical. I think you are the most wonderful cheerful best person ever to graze the world person!
I apologize if I've kept you people waiting. It's just I've been too exhausted lately to do anything more than answer the occasional post (don't you dare say a word, Spidey!). And contrary to popular belief, humor isn't as easy at it looks (though the best is usually spontaneous). Monty Python (if memory serves correctly) said it the best, "Death is easy. Comedy is hard."
Enough of my griping! On with the nonsense!
<picking up where we last left our intrepid band of heroes, we find Purple and Apollo running across the broken deck of the Weatherlost towards the captain's cabin>
Purple: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkk!!! <reaches the door first and tries to open it> Darn it! Open! <fumbles with the knob> Why won't it open?!
Apollo: Hurry up! Those horrors are first-strike, you know!!! <starts pounding on the door energetically>
Purple: Zadok must've locked it before he left! Aaaaahhhhhhhhh!!! <fumbles with the knob desperately>
Spidey (coming from inside): Can't a minotaur ever get any privacy?! I'm busy!!!
Apollo: Open the door, you over-muscled cretin!
Spidey: Whatever it is, my business is more important!
Apollo: Just let us in already!
Spidey: Now what could be more important than letting me finish my potty break?! <noisome noises resound from inside>
Purple: Potty break?! Eeeeeewwwwwww!!! Gross!
Apollo: Cosmic Horror?! Eeeewwwwww!!! Gross!
Purple: Okay, you've got a point there, feather-head. <recommences pounding on the door> Let us in ... you ... you ... you're momma was a cow!
Apollo (pulling Purple aside): Are you sure? This is udder madness, you know. <sighs> The last time you called him that, he broke down that energy barrier which trapped us 16 episodes ago with his bare hands just to try and strangle you ... oh. You're momma was a dairy cow!
Spidey: <more flatulent noises>
Purple: Did you herd that? We're going to milk this comment for everything it's worth!!!
Spidey: I am calm. I am the wind. <more flatulent noises> Okay, I break wind.
Apollo (groaning): It's not working. That potty break must take precedence over everything else!
Spidey: Minotaurs can live for three days without water, honor is everything. When it comes to calls of the wild though ... screw honor!
Purple: Let us in, hamburger-head!
Spidey (sighing): Just WHAT the heck did you do to call TWO Cosmic Horrors? Did you guys accidentally chant "'la! 'la Hastur! Hastur! 'la Hastur!"? That summons one of those overgrown slime-puddles you know! Hey wait. What's this wiggling tentacle doing in the john? Why is it trying to poke me up the keister?! Uh-oh. <bursts out of the cabin, pulling up his pants>
Purple: Ewwwwwwww!!! Naked minotaurs!!!
Apollo: Ewwwwwwww!!! THREE Cosmic Horrors!!!
Purple: Will you stop mocking me?!
Spidey: Would you guys start running?!
All three: Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!
<up in the crow's nest>
Zadok: Go away!!! <vainly makes shooing motions to a climbing Cat> Scat, Cat!
Cat: Meow? <starts rubbing his face against the rigging> Ow. That stings. Dang bloody hormonal imbalance.
Zadok (delving into his tuxedo and pulling out a stick): A-hah! <throws the stick> Fetch, boy!
Cat (looking offended): Whaddya think I am?! A dog?!
Zadok: The way you've been looking at me while you were climbing. Yes.
Cat: Can I help it?! You've got such delectable fur! Stop stroking yourself! That's MY job!
Zadok (wailing): Heeeeeeeelllllllppppppp! Bad hands!
<over at the aft cabin>
PPE (humming to self while baking): Ah-hah! Finally finished! Now to pop it in the Easy-Bake Oven... <opens the oven door and is startled by a flutter of leathery wings> Aaaahhhh!!! Imp! <squints> You're Norrit! Purple's familiar!
Imp: Err, no. Norrit is my brother who got turned into a thrull mcnugget snack. I'm Nowrite, pleased to meet 'cha!
PPE: So what brings you here, oh illiterate fiend?
Nowrite: Uh, Yawgie Bear threatened to turn me into a picnic basket if I didn't deliver these two to you.
PPE: Eh? What two?
Nowrite (reaches into a portable hole and pulls out a pair of gnomes): These two! <plops them atop the oven>
PPE: Mechanical gnomes. So what are they supposed to do?
Nowrite: Well, the bottle gnome has a message for you. And he wouldn't really leave home without his buddy the ticking gnome. <sighs> Anyways, I'm late for another delivery job. Have fun! <disappears in a bamf of sulfur>
PPE (waving away the sulfur): Now what in the heck would that old fogie Yawgie Bear want now? <bips the bottle gnome on the head> C'mon! Spill the beans! <incomprehensible beeping results>
Ticking gnome: Hello. My name is Gizmo. This is my companion, Rathian. We are gnomes. He is a bottle gnome. I am a ticking gnome. Pleased to meet you, jolly good!
Rathian: Bleep, blurp, beep, beep!
Gizmo: He says he has a message for you. Would you like to hear it, jolly good!
PPE (groaning): Gawd. Whatever.
Gizmo: Go on, Rathian. Deliver the message, jolly good!
Rathian: <starts projecting a holo of a woman clad in white speaking to the bottle gnome>
PPE: <immediately bips both gnomes on the head with a pie tray and stalks off muttering> We're going to get sued for plagiarism at this rate!
<back up the deck>
Sleepy (yawning): I'd like you to meet my friends, by the way. They should be here somewhere...
Spidey (running pell-mell): Aaaaahhhhhh! Hi, Sleepy! Ahhhhhhhh!!! <zooms past>
Purple (hiking up her robes and running): Aaaahhhhh! Good afternoon, Sleepy! Aaaaahhhh!!! <zooms past>
Sleepy (calling down below): I think you'd better come up here already. Everyone seems to be in a rush today.
Unknown female voice: Whatever! Ready or not! Here I come!
Sleepy: That sounds so sick.
Unknown female voice: Shaddup! <floor boards break as a vision of dark majesty erupts from underneath > I am Almindhra! Guardian of the dusk! Angel of the twilight! <sable wings flare as she strikes a pose>
Apollo (running very fast): Aaaaahhhhh! Hiya, Sleepy! Aaaaaaaaaaahhhh!!! <zooms past>
Sleepy: Angel of the twilight! <laughs uncontrollably> Didn't those other angels call you by some other title?
Apollo (zooming back): A babe! Come, my vision of twilight manifest! Come to my arms! <makes smooching motions as he flaps towards her>
Mindi: Eeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!!! Pervert!!! <wings stretch out as she flies up, Apollo in hot pursuit>
Sleepy: Hehehehehehehehe. Fallen angel my left foot. <tracks their progress across the sky with a smirk> They didn't call her Mindi, Falling Angel for nothing. <watches Mindi miss an updraft and crash on the deck> Yup. Same ole' Mindi...
'Till next time, y'all!
[Edited by Whimsical on September 21st, 2000 at 12:45 PM]
... fizz, fizz, oh what a relief it is!
Bravo, Whimsy. And don't worry, my lips are sealed
Wonderful Whimzy. Encore S'il vous plait!
Wonderful! Up to your usual high standard, Whimsical! I loved the gnomes. Obi-wan, you are my only hope.
I don't wanna be luke skywalker. That guy was just plain annoying. But other than that, great installment.
Great!!...I love it!!...And I've been dying all week for this installment to come out, thanks!
Thanks for all the high praises, guys, gals, and various assorted lifeforms! It always gives moi a warm glow... <gives a wide grin and bips Spidey on the head again>
Don't worry, Mister Pie-Eater sir! You won't be Luke "whining farmboy" Skywalker! <laughs> That's reserved for one the other current characters already (start guessing, people ... hehehehehe).
On a side note ... "most wonderful cheerful best person ever to graze the earth"? Do I look like a minotaur's mother, DW dearie? <laughs> I put up a thread in the Off Topic regarding pleas about self-insertion in the story. You might want to take a gander there, DW dearie. And sucking up to the author really works wonders ... so that means you're halfway in already.
And speaking of stuff we've been dying to see ... where're the results of the poll, Mindi dahling?
[me] thwips Whimsy...[/me]
<wonders if anybody's going to pay attention to this thread anymore with Invasion out already...>
Oh, well. <smiles and shrugs> The show goes on!
<picking up from where we last left the intrepid crew of the Weatherlost, we find our brave captain on the deck of the ship, facing off against a mysterious figure clad in black and sporting a weird helmet...>
Zadok (brandishing a blue litesaberTM with his usual flourish): Your days of evil are about to be concluded, foul lackey of the Emperor Palpitation!
Mysterious figure: <heavy breathing as he also flourishes a red litesaberTM (in three different fat-free colors!)>
Zadok: Ah-hah! You'll let your litesaberTM do all the talking you need for you, huh?! En guardy!
<the two clash in a collision of whirling blades and shattered lances>
Zadok (parrying a series of slashes from the red litesaberTM and eyeing the barbarian hordes nervously): So what are we doing in Hyboria all of sudden?
Mysterious figure: <more heavy breathing>
Zadok: You sound really kinky you know...
<the two battle their way past the horde of barbarians chanting "Loot and pillage, loot and pillage! Let's find us an English village!" back to the deck of the Weatherlost>
Zadok: Don't you ever do anything except breathe really heavily and turn off all the women in the nearby vicinity? <ducks a saber swipe>
Mysterious figure: Zadok ... I am your foster-father.
Zadok (with a look of agony): Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!!! Say it ain't so! It's not true!!! Noooooooooo!!!!!!!
<just above the climactic fight scene>
Apollo (turning to Spidey from their vantage point above the fight): Don't you think something's wrong?
Spidey: Besides the fact that we're ripping off Star Wars in a blatant manner?
Purple: I don't know ... <stretches luxuriously> This sure beats having to run from that never-ending series of Cosmic Horrors last installment.
Apollo: At least we were doing SOMETHING!
Spidey: Complaints, complaints. Pass me the popcorn, Purple.
Purple: Ummm ... we're fresh out.
Apollo and Spidey: Noooooooooooooo!!!
<somewhere near the climactic fight scene>
PPE: Something's wrong...
Cat: Besides the fact that we've run out of popcorn too?
PPE: Duh! <glances at the "somewhere near the climactic fight scene" placard> Isn't it too early for that?
Cat: We're out of popcorn!!! Oh, the horror!!! And just when the fighting was getting good too!
PPE (bipping Cat with a pie-tray): Oh, c'mon. <drags Cat to where Apollo, Spidey, and Purple are> Hi, guys!
Apollo, Spidey, and Purple: Do you have popcorn?!
PPE: No. <checks the Easy-Bake Oven> I do have some popcorn pie left-over...
Apollo, Spidey, Purple, and Cat: Nooooooooooooo!!!
<down at the climactic fight scene>
Zadok: This is ridiculous! Let me check the script! <pulls out a weather-beaten sheaf of papers> Ah-hah! Just as I thought!
Mysterious figure: <more heavy breathing>
Zadok: Oh, shut up! <brandishes the script> It says here that we're not supposed to be fighting yet!
Mysterious figure (lifting helmet): What?! Let me see that! <grabs the script and starts reading> Hey, you're right! We're not supposed to fight like this until the sequel to the Weatherlost Saga shows up. Dang! I was winning too!
Zadok: Hehehehehehehe. Now hike your sorry heavy-breathing keister over to your scene!
Mysterious figure: <grumble, grumble> But my identity as a CPA member hasn't even been revealed yet!
Zadok: Excuses, excuses. Scat!
Mysterious figure: <grumbling as he leaves the ship>
Zadok (glancing upwards at his wailing crew): You guys! Go get yourselves busy! We've got the fourth wall to repair! Jeez. <starts mumbling to himself> I hate it when writer's block hits. Guess who has to repair the damage ... <grumble, grumble> Move it, guys!!! Hup, hup, hup!
Apollo: <grumble, grumble> This means we have to get back in position?
Spidey: Oh, man! Cosmic Horrors!
PPE (sighing): Back to the stuck-up gnomes...
Cat (with a smirk): Better get back in the ravishing cat warrior costume again, captain! Mwahahahahahaha!!!
Apollo (with the same wide smirk): And somebody drag Mindi outta the dressing room! Mwahahahahahahaha!!!
Zadok: I'm doomed...
'Till next time, y'all!
am paying attention, because I have no money for Invasion. So I'm waiting for my free installments of the Weatherlost...
I have absolutely NO idea who this mysterious figure could be... so I'm anxiously waiting!
Separate names with a comma.