CPA Notables 2003

[Jigglypuff]

Before Spidey can continue, though, the doors bust open and a giant Pokeball rolls through. The ball pops open and Jigglypuff pops out in a brilliant flash of light. He does a little twirl and then sits down in the Pokeball.

"Wow, sorry I'm late guys. I was in the middle of a big battle. Did I miss anything exciting?"

(- Steve -)

 

[Chaos Turtle]

(A hole to the future has opened in time...)

CRACK of DOOM

A deafening thunder splits the air. The walls shake and the ceiling crumbles a shower of plaster chunks onto the assembled masses--all thirteen of them (and their pets). The floor rumbles as chasms open in the aisles, swallowing those too foolish to run screaming for their lives.

A voice booms from bass speakers located beneath the seats...

. o O (no wait...strike that)

A voice booms from the very air itself, seeming to challenge the laws of reality.

"Behold! I descend upon ya!"

An burst of green and gold light accompanies the announcement. Those not cowering in terror see emerging from the light, two rotund figures, identical except for their attire. One is dressed in a red lamé jacket and pants with silver supsenders. The other in gold lamé with bleu (yeah bleu) suspenders.

"Make way, make way," cries the one in red.
"Mike why, mike why," cries the other in a put-on British accent.

Next to appear from the newly-ripped hole in the fabric of reality is a thin middle aged woman with curly auburn hair. She is dressed in a simple orange frock.

"I am tired being labelled anti-American just because--"

"Behold, Susan! Shut the hell up! You promised no politics!"

The glowing impossibility in the center of the rooms intensifies, as out spills a trio of beasts.

A great golden lion, who roars, "Greetings, Sons of Adam and Daughters of Eve!"

A massive bengal tiger who glares at the humans in the crowd, and licks his chops hungrily as he surveys potential dinners. "Mowgli was just an appetizer, I see..."

A black bear that walks on two legs and wears dungarees: "Only you can prevent forest fires."

"Oh my," quips Susan.

"Can we just get on with it please?"

"Who said that?"

A cricket chirps somewhere far away.

"Right, then. Where was I? Ah yes... Behold! I descend upon ya!"

The glaring green and gold glow grows greater.

At last, the moment for which you have all been desperately waiting for the entirety of your mortal lives!

A shimmering figure appears in the air. What is it? It radiates colors for which there are no human names, only hexidecimal designations. The sound of a billion crickets chirping fills the space between atoms, causing the atmosphere itself to vibrate to the tune of, "When You Wish Upon a Star." On Wall Street, stocks of drug companies known for their powerful headache remedies skyrockets. The past, present and future have become one and a universe collapses upon itself forming the quantum singluarity which has given birth to:

The One!
The Only!
The Uncommonly Smooth!
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"Woo! Woo! Ever-body in tha HOUSE!!! Uh! Uh! Get down! Yeah! Who's in tha HOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSE!???"

*chirrrrrrrrrp...chirrrrrrrrrrrrrrp*

The light fades. The room grows silent.

"Sir," says un usher, "if you'll please take your seats, we can continue with the ceremony."

"Ah. Right. Well. Will uh, someone get me down from here?"

P.S. (sorry i was late, and congrats to train on FoR)

 

[Ferret]

Ferret reaches into his jacket for a small bag of confetti and throws in Train's general direction...

-Ferret

"congrats!"

 

[orgg]

*theorgg makes a grab for the Chaos Turtle and misses

Hey, Tinysaur! Little help here?

The MegaTog lifts up a corner of the woven mat and grabs the tiny Chaos Turtle from the remanants of the roof

I guess the turn hasn't ended yet.

*theorgg grabs a Prizewinning Cucumber from his breechcloth and tosses it to Tinysaur, who crunches it up quickly.

It seems that he prefers artifact stuff from games other than Magic. XXXenophile, in particular. I'll make sure to keept the Aphrodisiac of Liliac from him, though...

 

[Apollo]

*Apollo makes a show of fluttering around in confusion and then, with a flash of red and the raking of talons, Ertai finds bloody holes where once he had eyes.

With a warning glare at the kitten, Apollo flies back to his spot in the rafters. Directly below him, Mrs. Ferret wisely holds her program over her head.*

 

[Izaryo]

*looks up at Apollo and conjures a circle of protection against birds*
"no bird-droppings on me"

 

[train]

Urza/Mishra do what they can to ease Ertai and he begins looking like some bionic being... Ertai has been tainted and when he gets a look at himself proclaims:

"I shall now be known as Ertai the Corrupted!!!..."

and all was good and the party commenced...

 

[Svenmonkey]

*puts on a GW Bush mask and throws a plastic scythe at Apollo.*

"Nobody will know it was me!"

 

[Nightstalkers]

*The demonic John raises his hads and claps thrice, and everyones pockets, pants, shirts, and stashes are filled with little chocolate Nightstalkers with various fillings*

"Happy Halloween, don't forget to sacrifice a few animals in my name."


"Tsk, tsk, tsk... Already buying your way into their hearts, are we John?"


"Whatever do you mean?"

*Nick stares John in the eye with little amusement as he conjures thousands of magic cards to fall from the ceiling onto the expectant attendee's.... and John in enveloped in a storm of Spellfire cards.... mainly from the Nightstalkers set.

 

[Svenmonkey]

*looks around slowly, wondering why everyone is in freeze-time*

Have the notables stopped for the weekend or what?

 

[Mazzak]

since Spiderman presents the awards, and he gets online from work, the notables tend to suspend themselves over the weekends.

 

[Nightstalkers]

But that doesn't mean I can't give out my awards....

*With a stalwart flourish John throws an overlarge roll of toiletpaper at Svenmonkey which sticks to his chest like a magnet to glue.

"I bequeeth upon thee Sir Smelly Toiletpaper sailsman of the year.... I can't give out the cardboard crack dealer award, so I give out a smelly toiletpaper roll instead. Please be careful with it, you might break it."

 

[train]

*train wonders - Is there a certain scent to that roll that makes it stink more than what it is used to clean up?...*

 

[Izaryo]

I thought i was gonna miss some awards because i was working like hell through the weekend and didn't have time to visit. good i didn't miss any. seems i'm not the omly one who depends on libraries or something else to get online.

 

[Svenmonkey]

You guys each need to get yourselves an intarweb.

 

[Spiderman]

As the crowd greets the new arrivals and wonders what the heck happened to the host, a <flush> is heard and a muttering, "Dang it, where is the toilet paper?" Minutes later Spiderman strides back on stage.

"My apologies! I am absent the weekend and every other Friday; I meant to have a guest presenter on Halloween but couldn't get one in time (i.e. forgot).

But let us continue! The next award is for that budding casual player who moves also in the tournament and pro scene, who can straddle both worlds. This year's Most Likely to Win the Pro Tour winner is Istanbul! You get a year's worth of invites to help you on your way....

And next, the person who voted on who you can count on to help tune your deck, take out those non-synergistic-slash-crappy cards and help you roll over your opponent(s), this year's Most Helpful with Deck Advice winner is Mikeymike! You get the deck of your choice that you helped in the forums!"

 

[train]

Hey Istanbul - when you make it to the feature match table - Can I ruin the occasion?!!!...

Please!!!...

Mikeymike - you do have some of the best advice - and one of the old school rap names...

Congrats Guys!!!...

 

[Izaryo]

*raises his katana to honor Istanbul and Mikeymike*
"Congrats to ye...."

 

[Ransac]

*The dark portal of the abyss known as the Quando-Fluxic-Hanes/Fruit of the Looms Realm open and the Sphincter of Doom once again terrorizes the citizens of Akron, Ohio. When, lone on a small hill, Ransac is day-dreaming about being a winner for this year's awards. Suddenly, he lets a nice one fly. Normally, this would vanquish any enemy(or friend) within a 50 miles radius. But, the Sphincter of Doom grows larges and laughs at this futile attempt. Ransac notices that a butterfly is flying around and wonders if it will make a good library paste. So, Ransac goes off to catch it. The Sphincter of Doom locates Ransac and gives chase, with Ransac not even aware of this situation. The Sphincter closes in on his long-time nemesis and prepares to engulf him whole. Ransac finally catches the butterfly, eats it, and flatulates in joy. The Sphincter gobbles him up, but explodes due to the Fart of the Butterflies. *


*Meanwhile, at the CPA awards, Ransac pops out of no where dressed in a Penguin suit(no, not a tux, a penguin suit. Like a costume of a penguin) with mic in hand.*


What the? Is it that time of the year again?



Ransac, cpa trash man

 

[Notepad]

*an ambulance arrives at the award show accidentally, instead of the ER. SeFRo is dumped out to waiting ushers who have no clue what to do with the person who seems to be comatose. The ambulance drivers apologize and say they have to go*

"What happened to him?" asks an usher...

"He read all the Sloppy Shuffles. In order. And liked them." replies one of the paramedics before the ambulance screeches off into the night.

"He'll make a good statue," replies the lead usher, who gets the others who help stand SeFRo by a potted plant.

*in the future, five people are documented as having recurring nightmares after seeing a statue of a petrified madman holding an axe and at mid-chop towards their necks*