A
arhar
Guest
Philosophy: The Taliban is the ruling government in Afghanistan and is an extremist faction of the Islamic faith. While they claim to follow the path of Islam, many Muslims can't help but doubt their theories which include the following "alternate director's cut version" of Islam:
Allah is the one and only god
Allah is three-hundred feet tall with a giant beard made out of live kittens.
Allah subsists on the blood of infidels.
Allah wears hot pants.
The only thing faster than Allah is Sonic the Hedgehog.
If you get fat enough you will eventually roll back around to being skinny.
Wrestling team rules!
Allah supports terrorism. Prank calling is not terrorism.
An eye for a diamond studded gold necklace, two speedboats, two guard dogs and a helicopter.
Women are actually ghosts and have to dress like ghosts and talk in spooky voices.
If you sin against Allah he will turn your beard into salt.
If you do good in the eyes of Allah he will turn your beard into delicious pudding.
Ranking above Allah is a secret super-Allah called "The Great Pumpkin".
Methodology: The Taliban regularly practice human sacrifice in an effort to win favor from Allah. They will often cut the still-beating hearts out of convicted criminals. If you are particularly bad they will hire a Russian boxer to punch your head off and then replace your bloody neck stump with a record turntable that constantly plays "Golden Hits of the 70s", which is Allah's favorite time period. The Taliban also endorses terrorism. While they do not specifically endorse the catastrophic and horrifying attacks on the World Trade Center, they do support terrorist efforts. These include the "Great Frock Fiasco of 1987", "The Search for the Haunted Yeti" in 1990, and most notably "Captain von Bismarck Has Lost His Monument" in 1994. These dastardly capers might not occupy the same historical significance as the attack on the World Trade Center, but they are terrible indeed.
Capabilities: With the covert assistance of well-connected and wealthy terrorist leaders like Osama bin Laden, the Taliban has powerful and far-reaching capabilities. It will be no easy task for the United States and our allies to eliminate the Taliban entirely. On paper however, the armed forces and the resources of the Taliban are not very impressive. These include:
97 dollars in one-dollar bills.
476 dollars in change.
A special beard comb that doubles as a pudding cup for when someone's beard turns into pudding.
A totally radical wall hanging of Allah that glows under black lights.
Some Dragonball Z pogs they bought from ebay before they banned all computers, Dragonball Z pogs, and buying things.
A coffee mug that says "Back off, I'm working."
About five million Ak47s.
250 Stinger surface-to-air missiles that were a gift from the United States in the 80s.
A Hefty Jack frozen entrée.
A pair of pants that is almost three sizes too big.
A baseball cap with "Is pork, is beef, Islam!" embroidered on the front. The hat is banned and kept inside of a lead-lined bank vault.
A copy of "Field and Stream" magazine from 1996. A photograph of the Hosenecker three-grain flywheel is circled with black marker.
The bargain basement prices of "Crazy Ibrahim". "Crazy Ibrahim" is shackled to a wall in a cave and is frequently prodded with hot needles.
Final Analysis: The listed resources of the Taliban seem fairly paltry compared to the incredible wealth of the United States, but when combined with the insane fervor of followers of the Taliban these meager tools are an arsenal to be reckoned with. They won't be winning many converts from more levelheaded (read as: less apeoink insane) members of the Islamic faith, but those they already have are forged in the iron of oppression and hollow beard pudding promises.
Allah is the one and only god
Allah is three-hundred feet tall with a giant beard made out of live kittens.
Allah subsists on the blood of infidels.
Allah wears hot pants.
The only thing faster than Allah is Sonic the Hedgehog.
If you get fat enough you will eventually roll back around to being skinny.
Wrestling team rules!
Allah supports terrorism. Prank calling is not terrorism.
An eye for a diamond studded gold necklace, two speedboats, two guard dogs and a helicopter.
Women are actually ghosts and have to dress like ghosts and talk in spooky voices.
If you sin against Allah he will turn your beard into salt.
If you do good in the eyes of Allah he will turn your beard into delicious pudding.
Ranking above Allah is a secret super-Allah called "The Great Pumpkin".
Methodology: The Taliban regularly practice human sacrifice in an effort to win favor from Allah. They will often cut the still-beating hearts out of convicted criminals. If you are particularly bad they will hire a Russian boxer to punch your head off and then replace your bloody neck stump with a record turntable that constantly plays "Golden Hits of the 70s", which is Allah's favorite time period. The Taliban also endorses terrorism. While they do not specifically endorse the catastrophic and horrifying attacks on the World Trade Center, they do support terrorist efforts. These include the "Great Frock Fiasco of 1987", "The Search for the Haunted Yeti" in 1990, and most notably "Captain von Bismarck Has Lost His Monument" in 1994. These dastardly capers might not occupy the same historical significance as the attack on the World Trade Center, but they are terrible indeed.
Capabilities: With the covert assistance of well-connected and wealthy terrorist leaders like Osama bin Laden, the Taliban has powerful and far-reaching capabilities. It will be no easy task for the United States and our allies to eliminate the Taliban entirely. On paper however, the armed forces and the resources of the Taliban are not very impressive. These include:
97 dollars in one-dollar bills.
476 dollars in change.
A special beard comb that doubles as a pudding cup for when someone's beard turns into pudding.
A totally radical wall hanging of Allah that glows under black lights.
Some Dragonball Z pogs they bought from ebay before they banned all computers, Dragonball Z pogs, and buying things.
A coffee mug that says "Back off, I'm working."
About five million Ak47s.
250 Stinger surface-to-air missiles that were a gift from the United States in the 80s.
A Hefty Jack frozen entrée.
A pair of pants that is almost three sizes too big.
A baseball cap with "Is pork, is beef, Islam!" embroidered on the front. The hat is banned and kept inside of a lead-lined bank vault.
A copy of "Field and Stream" magazine from 1996. A photograph of the Hosenecker three-grain flywheel is circled with black marker.
The bargain basement prices of "Crazy Ibrahim". "Crazy Ibrahim" is shackled to a wall in a cave and is frequently prodded with hot needles.
Final Analysis: The listed resources of the Taliban seem fairly paltry compared to the incredible wealth of the United States, but when combined with the insane fervor of followers of the Taliban these meager tools are an arsenal to be reckoned with. They won't be winning many converts from more levelheaded (read as: less apeoink insane) members of the Islamic faith, but those they already have are forged in the iron of oppression and hollow beard pudding promises.