• Unfortunately, a dormant admin account was compromised and some content from the CPA forums was deleted, including several active users' accounts. While most historical content has remained, this is a new version of the forum and only the most recent users' accounts were brought over.

    If you try to login and it says your account cannot be found, please register a new account. Once registered, we can reassign your old posts to your new account.

Crapstorm: A New Game: Because... Why Not?

turgy22

Nothing Special
I’m bored. And becoming increasingly irate over the lack of action in Rando’s adventure. So, at the risk of overtaxing everyone’s ability to multitask their role-playing games, I’m starting up a new and extremely open-ended game that will hopefully pique people’s interest and keep this forum more active for the foreseeable future.

The Rules
1. Everyone is free to play at any time. Join the game, stop playing, make sarcastic comments about everyone else’s ability to play, whatever. Each player is allowed to create one character for the game (unless your character dies; then you can make another). However, you can also control any existing character if you feel the desire to do so and if the player that created that character hasn’t responded in a while. Also, I will try to create puzzles and situations that require the combined abilities and/or items of multiple characters in order to move on. So if you think of a solution that involves another character, don’t hesitate to present it. I may even introduce new characters for the express purpose of being controlled by the players.

2. Creativity and originality are required in order to succeed. Humorous responses, absurd back stories and clever ideas for advancing will all be rewarded. There will be even better rewards if you make me laugh. (Note: I have a fondness for bad puns, double entendre and obscure references to things I enjoy. Feel free to use this information as you will.)

3. I will respond to this thread every day. That’s my rule. If I’m not pushing the game along, I’ll at least do something to advance the conversation, unless no one else is responding. If I break this rule, the first person to call me out will be rewarded.

4. There is no limit on what your character can be, own or be capable of. Your character can be any race or being, real or imagined from the past, present or future. He / she / it can, of course, be a human or another traditional fantasy role. Or they could be a dinosaur, an alien, an animal, an anthropomorphized inanimate object or anything else you can imagine. It doesn’t matter to me. They can have superpowers, wield magic or possess advanced technology. I do ask that they possess enough sentience to reasonably communicate with the other members of the party. Also, try to provide as much detail as possible so that I can better incorporate your character into the plot.

5. Having said that, I would advise not trying to create something too powerful or I’ll just have to find a way to nerf things for the sake of balance and plot advancement. A battle against traditional low-level bad guys (goblins, zombies, soldiers, bears, etc.) should be a relatively fair fight and more powerful foes should be a struggle. If you decide to be Superman, you will be given a kryptonite collar. Also, there will be “die rolls” (read: random number results) that I will assign at my own discretion. If something seems really powerful, it might not act as such in the course of the game.

6. No one needs to keep track of anything. I’m going to use the second post of this thread to keep a running tally of all characters in the game, the primary player controlling them and all special abilities and items in each character’s possession. I may also keep track of the current game situation (if things get confusing) and maybe make a map of the area if I feel like it. Please keep me informed in case I miss something.

7. Other rules may follow, if I feel they’re necessary to keeping things fun and/or interesting. I’ll add them to this post as they arise.

Notes on Gameplay
1. Each character has a health meter (Life, or Essence for the ghost). When that reaches zero, you die. Depending on your other numbers, it will go up or down over time.
2. The other important stats are Energy, Fullness and Pain. You want to keep each number over 20 or you'll suffer some very negative effects (Going down to 0 will be much worse). Other effects take place at different spots, but will be less noteworthy. If something is effecting your character, I'll explain it in-game, but not unless it comes up.
3. You can restore your numbers by using or consuming certain items. Again, I'll explain what happens when it happens. Energy and Pain can be restored by resting. You can rest anywhere, but it's better to rest in safe places. Returning to the Safeway will automatically restore all stats to 75 and life to 100. Also, if certain players aren't responding and their numbers are dropping, I may automatically use one of their items to keep things moving. If you have a preference for how your character should do things when you're not around, let me know and I'll try to accommodate.
4. You can inspect any item to get a brief description / clues to what it might do. I'm trying to imagine a purpose for everything I hand out, but if you have another idea on how to use something, give it a try and I might allow it. The clues I give will only reflect on what I have in mind.
5. During combat, the Die of Safety will only be rolled once, at the beginning. If you think your number is too low, you can seek a better defensive position during the battle. The Die of Contact will be rolled every time you try to use a weapon / power against an enemy.
6. The party will have a traveling speed. This is the pace at which they go on foot. The default will be what I'm calling "casual" speed, but the group can move up to 4x faster than that (quickly = 2x, running = 3x, sprinting = 4x) or half as fast (mosey = 1/2x) if they desire. Faster speeds use up significantly more energy than moving casually.

One caveat: the plot of the story may become overly-complicated and nonsensical for the sole purpose of setting up a single joke. You’ve been warned.
A second caveat: I may edit my posts a lot as ideas come to me. I'll only do this if I've made the most recent post, so if you read my last post and there's no more posts for a while, you might want to re-read it before making another post because there might be slight changes. I'm not sure how often this might happen, but I thought I should mention it, as I've already edited my first reply three times. And now I'm editing this post, which presumably, no one will re-read. Perhaps I'll make it a different color...

I’ll post the first part of the story shortly.
 

turgy22

Nothing Special
Character List

Agent Ward Bashenthal & Sophia
Created by: Oversoul
Life: 100
Energy: 80 (Fine)
Fullness: 80 (Fine)
Comfort: 80 (Fine)
DoC: d6
DoS: d6
Experience: 31
Currency: 1 pound
Food Items: gnougat gnuggets (6), zoa pie (7 slices), GS cookie, bag of diced vegetables (29 servings)
Health Items: Anvil (20 pills), undrinkable alcohol (20 oz), gauze (100 ft), cotton balls (100), Lots of Bs vitamins (30), Pure Menthol (25)
Other: bicycle wheel, leadership roll, banjo, pawn scum, bag of castle sand, baby die, misprinted Magic 8-ball

Melkor's Ghost
Created by: Melkor
Essence: 75
Mobility: 25 (Normal)
Opacity: 25 (Translucent)
Solidity: 25 (Gelatinous)
DoC: d6
DoS: d6
Experience: 15
Currency: 15 pounds
Food Items: bucket of fried chicken (8 pc), GS cookie, bag of diced vegetables (30 servings)
Health Items: jar of ectoplasm (12 oz), packet of bath salt
Other: baby die, hauntable duffel bag

Pikachu
"Created" by: Spiderman's kids
Life: 75
Energy: 80 (Fine)
Fullness: 80 (Fine)
Comfort: 80 (Fine)
DoC: d6
DoS: d6
Experience: 26
Currency: 15 pounds
Food Items: bottle of Hershey's chocolate syrup (6 squirts), GS cookie, bag of diced vegetables (24 servings)
Wearable Items: mitre
Other: Disney Princess stickerbook, Slowmobile, electric accordion, pawn scum, baby die, Pikanese-to-English translator

McGill
Created by: Rokapoke
Life: 100
Energy: 80 (Fine)
Fullness: 80 (Fine)
Comfort: 80 (Fine)
DoC: d6
DoS: d6
Experience: 45
Currency: 10 pounds
Weapons: regular violin, solid-gold violin
Food Items: GS cookie, bag of diced vegetables (24 servings), Pap's Smearnoff vodka (24 oz)
Health Items: prenatal vitamins (24 doses), bidet, extra bidet
Wearable Items: mitre, knight cap, Elizabethan collar, cowbell
Other: expired coupon, ornate bow, pawn scum, bag of castle sand, baby die

Pete
Created by: DarthFerret
Life: 80
Energy: 80 (Fine)
Fullness: 80 (Fine)
Comfort: 80 (Fine)
DoC: d6
DoS: d6
Experience: 21
Currency: 11 pounds
Items equipped: spider-net leg coverings (4 pairs)
Food Items: GS cookie (1/2), bag of diced vegetables (25 servings)
Wearable Items: voting fedora (R), voting fedora (D)
Other: lightsaber hilt, web of deceit, shiny nickel, pawn scum, baby die, illegitimate spiderling

Party Items: tender crispy chicken (minus a thigh), black jack, felt net, banana hammock, rapid-fire mobile pun turret
 

turgy22

Nothing Special
Crapstorm: Part 1: The Awkward Beginning

Earth (maybe): sometime in the near-distant future. The planet has been ravaged by plagues, nuclear war, alien invaders, global warming, killer robots, famine, more nuclear war, mutants, debauchery, zombies, earthquakes, and finally, another nuclear war. The only terror to not befall the human population was the sea monsters, which had thankfully stayed in the sea until this point in time.

A group of survivors, looking for a way to escape the hellish nightmare that their planet had become, worked for years to create a portal to another world. The result was an inter-dimensional wormhole that tore through the fabric of space and time, moving through inconceivable dimensions, transcending reality to pierce into the very depths of the minds of those it touched. Realizing that the portal only created a gateway to more pain than previously imagined, the people worked tirelessly to shut down the gate, until Cthulhu appeared before them, bit off their heads, drank their blood and fashioned a loincloth with their hollowed remains.

And so all manner of creatures settled onto the ravaged planet, making their homes and staking claims to lands and resources. Battles ensued, alliances were formed and broken and the native population managed to survive in patches here and there. In time, things more or less settled down and life continued as it was.

Then one day, a strange and mysterious message appeared on Craigslist. It read:
“r u seaking more in life?
Come 2 the Safeway off root 2
No the secretes of universe!!
-Anon”

The few who read the ad became immediately enraged. Who wrote this crap? Who taught them to spell? Why did they list this in the “Casual Encounters” section? Were they even a male or a female or a hermaphrodite? Filled with anger, the readers traveled to the Safeway to find out who was behind this abomination, so that their gonads could be properly bludgeoned.

When the travelers arrived at the Safeway, however, they were surprised to find that their anger dissipated immediately upon crossing the threshold. A calm sense of satisfaction came over them, preventing them from lashing out at the small bespectacled man who came out of the back room and stood before them.

“Hello, friends. I see you have read my message. You may not realize it, but now is a time of great reckoning and fate has brought you within my doors. This world we live in has many secrets that must be discovered and I am to guide you through them. Before we begin, I ask that you all introduce yourselves, as you will be spending a great amount of time together from now until the end of time. Allow me to begin.”

"I am Anon, a time-traveler in your land. By a strange circumstance, I entered your time as a child and have been only able to travel through time in one direction, and can only do so at an extremely slow pace. In this manner, I have been traveling through time for the past 57 years until at last I reached this point when I knew it was time to contact all of you. I have made my home in this abandoned Safeway and it is protected by magical forces that keep evil out and bring peace and health to those who remain within its walls. If ever you are in need of aid, this is the place to come."

"As to why you are gathered here, I have felt changes in the world around me. Danger lurks far and wide and I alone cannot face it. In fact, I can not face it at all, which is why you'll be doing all the work and I'll stay here. I am merely a messenger, and work for a higher power. I can, however provide you with aid and sanctuary and will give you gifts and provisions before you depart."

"Now, travelers. Tell me who you are, what you can do and what you have in your possession, so that I may assign you a suitable task."
 

Oversoul

The Tentacled One
A tall, muscular man in black rappels from the ceiling. As he reaches the floor, he lashes out with his fist, shattering the sliding glass door of a cabinet with the word "DONUTS" written across it.

I am Agent Ward Bashenthal: Grammar Police. Your establishment was cited for violating the English language. To wit, your sign that reads, "Ten items or less" should read, "Ten items or fewer." Normally, we issue stern warnings over such matters, but recently, my partner, who currently happens to be a highly intelligent, talking gnu, was reduced to tears by the horrible abuse of language displayed in your Craigslist advertisement. Now put your hands in the air and step away from any writing implements.

Ward uses the gnu with his anagram power, turning her into a gun, which he points at Anon.

Please sir, do not be alarmed. Agent Ward is not going to shoot you. He can't shoot you: I'm his gun. Also, do not be alarmed at the fact that I am a talking gun. My name is Sophia. We come in peace. The typographical idiosyncrasies in your Craigslist ad caught our interest. We are here because...

...because we are the Grammar Police. Keep your hands where I can see them, pervert.

Excuse me sir. It appears that I need to exchange some words with my partner concerning a misunderstanding of some of the procedural matters of our organization. Please don't go anywhere. We are very interested in learning about your culture...
 

turgy22

Nothing Special
"A gnu? That's new. Who knew? The new gnu knew."

"Sophia, you are wise, indeed. I can already tell you will be a valuable asset for the upcoming journeys. I have some provisions for you."

Sophia acquires gnougat gnuggets

"Fear not, Agent Bashenthal, for I am not really your enemy. I merely posed as an illiterate internet troll to lure you here. There are far greater attacks on the English language taking place elsewhere in this land and your skills will be needed to stop them. Take this item as proof of such attacks. I believe it is edible."

Agent Ward Bashenthal can has cheezburger
 

Spiderman

Administrator
Staff member
LMFAO. I'm not nearly (or even close) as witty as you guys are. But this is hilarious already. I'm not sure I should join as I would just bore everyone to tears, but I definitely want to see what happens.

turgy22 said:
I’m bored.
Play more Magic games with preconstructed decks :)
 

turgy22

Nothing Special
You don't have to be witty. Just offer something different. The more material, the better, especially since I have only a vague idea of how I want this game to proceed and how the game mechanics should work. The more players, the better, since I'll hopefully be able to find new ways to tie everything together, offer new and better rewards and come up with more interesting challenges. But, like I said, anyone can jump in and out at any time, so if you're not comfortable joining at this point, keep on reading as the story develops and maybe you'll think of a way to contribute later.

Play more Magic games with preconstructed decks :)
I have yet to play a precon game that I really enjoyed. I'm picky about my Magic. I really only enjoy drafts and leagues.
 

Oversoul

The Tentacled One
Ward lowers his gun and uses synonymy to make the gun a pistol, then uses homophony to convert the pistol into a pistil. Finally, Ward uses synecdoche to transform the pistil into a full flower. Ward places the flower into his breast pocket.

Sophia has reminded me that she is the senior agent on this case. She wants to hear more about your situation. I am watching you, Anon. If you try replacing any words with homophonous numbers, I...

Thank you for the provisions, Anon. We'll save them for later.

Ward ignores the spelling of his provision, devouring the cheezburger.

Gno, Ward! I mean, "no." I said, "We'll save them for later."

Ward tucks the gnougat gnuggets into his pocket.

What do you mean by "we"? You are a talking flower. Flowers do not eat.

Shut up and let the others introduce themselves.
 

turgy22

Nothing Special
Ward gains 20 fullness from eating the cheezburger. He's feeling quite full now.

Anon: "Sophia, you are remarkable indeed. I bestow up you an ancient and powerful artifact that I have recently discovered. I have no idea what it does, but I'm sure you will use it wisely."

Ward & Sophia acquire a bicycle wheel

C'mon peoples! I was hoping for at least three players and I can't really move on with just one. Ward will never survive the crapstorm that awaits him beyond the Safeway. Don't feel pressured to come up with a remarkably clever idea right now. I just want to get some characters together so the game can keep moving. Rokapoke? Mooseman? Spiderman? Boogiepop? Is everyone else completely uninterested or will I get some more players over the next few days?
 
R

rokapoke

Guest
I'm rather busy at the moment, but could see myself working my way into this later this week or sometime next week.

I'm not going to make up some crappy excuse about not being clever like some wall-crawlers I know, though... I'll just post my lame attempts at humor right here in the thread.
 

turgy22

Nothing Special
Thanks, rokapoke for the reply. I'll reserve you a spot on the character post.

Rokapoke's unborn character acquires an expired coupon
 

Spiderman

Administrator
Staff member
Hey, are you talking 'bout me?!?! I'm gonna ask my kids tonight for a character, I'm sure they'll come up with something suitably hilarious :D
 

turgy22

Nothing Special
When in doubt, ask the kids. Haha, Spiderman, you are now committed.

Spiderman's kids' character acquires a Disney Princess stickerbook
 

turgy22

Nothing Special
Anon looks at Spiderman's kids' character waiting for it to do something. "Here," he says. "I offer you a vehicle that may suit your abilities. This Slowmobile will ease your travel, saving you energy on journeys. Unfortunately, when using it, you can only travel at 20% of the speed you could travel by walking. It might take you a year or more to reach the Tribal Lands. Here, let me make it look cooler by putting a sticker on it."

Spiderman's kids' character acquires a Slowmobile
Spiderman's kids' character loses item: Disney Princess sticker - Bashful the Dwarf

"As for you [insert name of Rokapoke's unborn character], take these to speed up your development. I will administer a dose unto you immediately."

Rokapoke's unborn character acquires prenatal vitamins (30 doses)
Rokapoke's unborn character uses one dose of prenatal vitamins.

"Finally, an award for a Ward. For being so on the ball and ready to move, I'm giving you a leadership roll. It will help you in battle, I think. I haven't really decided."

Ward acquires a leadership roll.

"And now, I shall continue to wait for the remaining lurkers to speak up, so that I might bestow upon them embarrassing gifts. Especially you, the ghost of Melkor's melted-down computer. I saw you viewing this thread last night. You know you want to join us."
 

Melkor

Well-known member
One of us, one of us! Gooble gobble, gooble gobble!

Melkor's Ghost arrives outside the Safeway, waiting for the automatic doors to open for him and visibly growing frustrated at their lack of action. Finally, with a sigh, he simply steps through the closed door, grumbling. "Just because I'm dead doesn't mean I'm some sort of second class citizen." Melkor's Ghost appears to be a well dressed man in his middle years, who isn't all there, stare long enough and you'll start to see right through him. There's also something vaguely disturbing about how his suit slowly fades from freshly starched to graveworm eaten and back again ever so slowly.

"Well, I'm definitely seeking more in life or to be more specific, I'm seeking to live. So I hope someone here can help me."
 

turgy22

Nothing Special
Anon's eyes light up as Melkor's Ghost speaks. "Ah, my good dead man. It is well that you have entered this haven. I'm not sure if you died here in this world or have traveled far from the afterlife, but you are surely a most welcome addition to the party. I have a jar of something you might find useful. I'm honestly not sure what ghosts do with this stuff, but I'm curious to find out."

Melkor's Ghost acquires a jar of ectoplasm
 

turgy22

Nothing Special
"Naturally. I just thought of a really awful bath pun, but on second thought, I'd lather not go there. Instead, I will impart on you some potentially useful provisions. I am aware that ghosts do not often require sustenance, but I have a feeling that you will grow hungry at some point on your journeys. Since it is unnecessary to fill your stomach, I offer you some soul food."

Melkor's Ghost acquires an 8-piece bucket of fried chicken
 

Oversoul

The Tentacled One
Ward examines the leadership roll.

Don't eat that!

I was already satiated on account of that cheeseburger. Calm down.

Ward uses homophony to transform Sophia from a flower into flour. Ward uses synecdoche to turn Sophia into bread. Ward uses synecdoche again to turn Sophia into a feast.

I thought you said that you were satiated.

Calm down. He said we are going to "Tribal Lands." This calls for a trusty steed.

Ward uses rhyme to turn Sophia from a feast into a wildebeest. Ward uses synonymy to make Sophia a gnu.
 

turgy22

Nothing Special
"The Tribal Lands are a far distant, dangerous and unexplored area in this realm. You should not try to venture there until you are much stronger. In fact, the very existence of this place came about for the purpose of mocking the one known, in another life, as Spiderman. It is best we speak no further of it and perhaps it will be forgotten."
 
Top