On a bright morning in Dominaria, Braids had decided she wanted to torture more souls. As she strolled down to the dungeon to pick out some "volunteers" she noticed that there was some rather loud screaming flowing up the spiraling staircase. She cautiously walked down the steps and upon reaching the bottom she was startled to see the hordes of Nightstalkers flowing out from a portal that had opened up earlier.
The creatures were hideous monstrosities that seemed to take a blackness of death with them as they gracefully moved from victim to victim. With all of the Nightstalkers looking alike, it was hard to see were the vital parts of each one were. Let alone their evil grins on their faces. Suddenly one Nightstalker started hovering above the minions and starting chanting the runes of a powerful, ancient force. The runes started flowing from its fingertips, erasing all that was Braids lovely home. In the end, all that was left millions of black grinning creatures surrounding a single lone figure. "You have been bereft of all your worldly possessions," The Nightstalker spellcaster stated. "You will be given some of the long lost ancient powers that were the twin brothers.
Then as quickly as the lightning strikes, the Nightstalkers and their portal simply vanished. "Use it wisely," said a disembodied voice. Unfortunately for the world, Braids didn't feel like using it wisely, so she used the power to create a thousand golems out of the charred ruins of her former home and sent them to destroy any survivors. Which they did. Very well. Just when the entire situation seemed hopeless, a savior from the sky appeared.
It revealed itself to be... Boogerman!… who fell down with a noisy splat. Boogerman's mucus membrane slowly pulls him back together and stands the hero upright. Then as slowly as the hero stood up, the hero's mucus membrane flowed to the ground revealing the true identity of the hero - It was Squee!!!!
All the golems shook with fear as they viewed the disgusting display of Squee's mucus. Then in a Bruce Lee-Like motion Squee jumped into the horde of Golems and got his tiny annoying goblin butt kicked hard by a bunch of angry golems. The golems roared a victory roar and ran away to cause havoc in other planets around the solar system.
They boarded their spaceship and flew to the planet Bozniak, where they crashed into MaRo's ear during his tryst with a Freyalise supplicant. MaRo bellowed, ... "I knew printing Braids was a mistake!" MaRo ran away in horror, thinking of the disasters he caused when Braids was printed. The golems continued to ravage the planet of Bozniak.
Suddenly, Hanna appeared from the sky and zapped all one thousand golems away with a mighty blast. Gerrard then ran in from his hiding place underneath a large rock and jumped for joy as Hanna cleaned off her weapon.
"What kind of weapon is that, Hanna?" Gerrard asked.
"You wouldn't understand it, you big fat loser." Hanna replied. She then shot Gerrard in the head repeatedly with her mysterious weapon. She took Gerrard's body and tossed it into a ditch, then she flew away to her secret hideout, which was located next to the local Dominian Burger King - Home of the Slopper!
Face it, Hanna just likes things her way... Anyway she puts her secret weapon away (actually a pea-shooter) so as not to allow it to fall into anyone else’s hands. She then fixes her hair and walks in to order her meal... While pondering what she was wanting, she noticed that there was a familiar shape on the grill... it looks... like... a piece of... Tahngarth!!!
She smiled and then devilishly ordered the special of the day. At this point she realized the person waiting on her was Richard Garfield... "Would you like to try a shake with your order Hanna?"
Disgusted at the idea of who was serving her Hanna drew her pea-shooter and repeatedly blasted Garfield, all the while cursing him for bringing Tahngarth into her existence... Then, out of nowhere, coming to Garfield's rescue was a pot smoking hippie time traveler. The PSHTT revealed himself to be none other than the ISE, who had miraculously survived the disaster on Dominaria.
He took a sip of cocoa and then spit it at Hanna. Hanna dodged and blasted the ISE with her secret weapon. When the dust cleared, Hanna discovered that the ISE had survived! The ISE dragged Hanna into the bathroom and tried to floss his teeth with her.
Hanna, never being handled like this before began to get turned on!!! She couldn't believe what was happening, she was being turned on by the ISE!!! She poked him in the eye and after picking herself up ran out of the restroom, only to run into Ertai, Sam and Chesty!
All four of them got into Ertai's beamer and drove away to look for a solution to the golem problem (did everyone forget about that?). They drove for hours upon hours upon hours until they finally reached a lonely shack out in the middle of the desert. When they approached the door, a large explosion was heard in the distance and a large object came smashing into the ground. It was a spaceship!
The door opened and out came the Melmac-ian army. Leading the way was none other than Alf himself... Somehow when the Melmac-ians heard that cats were being senselessly destroyed they couldn't just stand by the way side... They have come to help Hanna, Chesty, Ertai, and Sam rid the planet of these golems forever. Immediately Alf begins a bandstand comedy routine and all golems in earshot begin to disintegrate because of how horrible it is. Our four heroes have been given special earmuffs so they are not affected by the comedy routine.
As the other golems see what is going on they run the opposite direction of the infamous Alf!!!... As the golems run to re-group a fatigued figure can be seen slumped on the ground, but heading towards our heroes and the melmac-ian army... It's Squee!... As he tries to make his way towards the group he decides it would be better to stop fighting and just go live peacefully on a farm. (I hope everyone knows what consequences this has for the little goblin dork.)
Everyone, including the golems, celebrate because the little dork has left them for good. Everyone dances around and goes to a party at Hanna's mansion. When they get there, a strange and mysterious sight awaits them. It was a person! No, a portal opening up into the plane and out swarms millions of Nightstalkers. With all of his strength gathered, Alamond attacks the hoard head on. Were the gruesome fields of battle once lay, now Alamond has met his final resting place. Do not underestimate the shadow.
Alamond was then sent to farm with the little goblin dork by a mysterious man in a large green and red cloak. The mysterious man then closed the portal and destroyed all of the Nightstalkers that would have destroyed the world. He then made a giant beanstalk grow out of the ground and it stretched up to the sky.
He climbed up it and when he reached the top, he was surprised to see…- Mrs. Claus!!! With a fiery red face she exclaimed: "How could you go and play down there and leave me to take care of all these little people and the freakin' reindeer!!! You're nothing but a chunky old man who eats cookies all night every Christmas eve... And for all you give to everyone else... you never bring me even a chunk of coal!!!..."
Santa murmured himself: Ho... Ho... Ho...
She steamed forward to push him back down to the battlefield below when...
