Serious question about abuse

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Spiderman

Administrator
Staff member
Okay, I've got a situation/question.

The sister of my wife's friend, "Maria", got punched in the stomach by her on-again, off-again boyfriend, "Pug-Ugly". This is the 5th time in 8 years that physical abuse occurred (who knows about mental). She is getting a whatever-order-it-is-for-people-in-relationships-but-not-married (not a restraining order) but personally, I don't think those things do squat. She had the guy arrested but his mom bailed him out and he came and punched out the front and rear windows of her car with his bare hands. They have a court date about that, but a witness will not testify because they don't want to be involved and (probably) is fearful for their family (two little ones). My wife's friend, "Diane", wants Maria to move in with her and her husband, "Jack", because Pug-Ugly doesn't know where Jack and Diane live. Jack however is also refusing to allow this. We might (I still have to talk to my wife about it) but the question is:

Can anything be done short of Maria moving away incognito to a new place? I think all of her family is here, in Maryland. Besides calling the standard domestic abuse lines (unless they really have good advice).

For those you didn't follow what happened a couple months ago, this sounds eerily like the Joseph Palczinski case where he "controlled" his girlfriends and didn't want to go to jail and made comments like "if I can't have you, no one will" and was EXTREMELY violent.
 
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Almindhra

Guest
Ok, so we all agree this is a dangerous situation...I feel so sorry for Maria...What about an abuse shelter...She can stay there until you find someone to take her into their home...

And I hope you decide that you can help her...But it does put you in a dangerous situation too...Who knows what hes crazy enough to do...He might find her, and stalk her, then come into your home and go crazy...

Good luck...
 
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Spiderman

Administrator
Staff member
An abuse shelter. That might work.

I know about it possibly becoming a dangerous situation for us too, but no one seems to want to help her and I firmly believe that someone's got to stand up and put away this guy. Otherwise it's going to keep on happening until someone gets killed... and personally, I'd rather it be the scum than the victim(s).
 
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Zadok001

Guest
If I were in your place, the order of events would be:

1. Get ten guys.

2. Get ten baseball bats.

3. Duh.

But that's not a very smart move on your part, IMHO. Legally (in the courtroom sense), I don't believe anything can be done outside of what you have done, so your only remaining options are things you can do in RL. Let her move in with someone, or find a shelter of some kind. Both ways are pretty not great solutions.

You mentioned her moving in with someone that Pug-Ugly doesn't know the location of. This is not a way to keep him from finding her. Trust me, if you want someone found, and have any semblance of resourcefullness, they get found. And hiding her might just make him even more angry. Uncool thing. It might actually be safer to move her in with someone whose location he _does_ know. But that's a decision better made by people who know his temperment and how smart he is. So that's for you or someone directly involved to decide.

"Good luck. Kick his ass for me. No, don't."
 
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nodnarb24

Guest
Tag Guard

I say move her in with someone that can defend themselves and her just in case if trouble does arise.
 
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Spiderman

Administrator
Staff member
Well, Zadok, as you said, getting 10 guys is not very good because a) I don't know ten guys (especially for this) :) and b) he might know 10 guys (it sounds like he does).

I know "hiding" her isn't a great solution either. Just from what he's done so far, it's likely that it will escalate his temper and if he wants to find here, he can (more likely locally than not). That's why I'm trying to get people to encourage her to move far, far away, despite the pain of being away from family, getting a new job, etc (but it's better than being dead).

Unfortunately, I'm not directly involved (yet) and neither is my wife, though she has more influence on Diane than I and perhaps together we can prevail upon Diane to convince Maria on the "best" solution. But so far it doesn't seem like there's anyone with whom Maria can move into with who can defend her or willing to stand up for her. :(
 
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Chaos Turtle

Guest
I just wanted to lend my support to the "move in with some family/ friends who can keep her safe" notion.

Not to diminish the situation in any way, but from your description it sounds like the guy isn't the hyper-violent type. (I may be misunderstanding you.)
It's possible that they guy will simply give up, once he realizes that she's serious about staying away from him.

One other problem that I've noticed among aquaintances of mine is the tendency of the women in cases like this to return to their lovers/ husbands, who reward them with continued abuse. So it's important that she has people around her who will support her decision to get away from this guy, and even set her straight if she starts talking about going back to him.

Unfortunately, unless your state has tough anti-stalking laws, the law won't be of much help to her unless Mr. Ugly does something really awful.

If nothing else works, then moving out of the area is still an option.
Two things to remember though:
Without people to support her, this will probably fail, unless she's got some serious determination to make it on her own.
And, the people she leaves behind have got to be totally loyal to her - in case the guy is crazy enough to go looking for her - and not give away her new location.

Best of luck to you and your friend.
 
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Spiderman

Administrator
Staff member
I must not have done a very good job then. I'm assuming that this guy IS super-violent, because as soon as he got out of jail he went to her house and trashed her car. I didn't make this clear either, now reading back, but he HAS made comments like "if I can't have you no one will."

More clarifications: it sounds like her family ISN'T that supportive, except for Diane. Her parents have been divorced for years so her father doesn't play that large of a role in her life and her mother has been/is in the same situations (abusive) and can't leave/get out of them. And Diane has been telling her to get out ever since the FIRST time Pug-Ugly hit her eight years ago but as it's been shown it's hard to leave such relationships. So personally I don't know what it will take for Maria to actually leave and there's only so much Diane and others (us) can tell her. :( I'm just asking her for maybe more suggestions so Maria might take one of them.
 
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Spiderman

Administrator
Staff member
Well, since I KNOW some of you are wondering about the progress/outcome :rolleyes: :), the latest I've heard is that Maria MIGHT move to Hawaii with some friends. It's not definite though... although if you gotta move, Hawaii is probably one of the best choice :)
 
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Purple_jester

Guest
Until she decides to move, or has moved, perhaps you could help her beef up with some surveillance equipment. I know someone from my neighborhood with an abusive boyfriend, and managed to videotape him vandalizing the front of her house.

He's locked up now.

I dunno, it might help. I've known other istuations where a little videotaped evidence went a long way, especially in your country.
 
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Spiderman

Administrator
Staff member
That's a good idea! The problem is, I really don't know what's been going on the situation because my wife and I only really hear about it through Diane (really my wife) and apparently Diane hasn't been talking about it much. The news above was the first in a couple weeks, so I don't know if things have calmed down or what. I'll mention it to my wife so she can mention it to Diane if the subject comes up again though. That was one of the problems with that car incident; there wasn't any visible proof like a video, just the witnesses and since they were reluctant to go on the stand, well... it probably didn't get too far.
 
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Dark Horse

Guest
I cant say I have much drilling in the sunject, but this guy sounds like he crossed the line of sanity a long time ago. If this guy is as violent as he sounds, my only reccomendation is for her to change her name and then move.
 
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dw51688

Guest
i hate people like her boyfriend. It makes me so mad. It is people like him that upset the balance of the world. GRRRR. I am utterly speechless. What's his problem!
 
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