N
Notepad
Guest
I am a pizza delivery driver. I like my job and coworkers, and the environment of the store. The thing that bothers me, however, are a certain some of the customers. Oh boy, can they be a total trip! So, with them as inspiration after a day from hell, I have typed up some Murphy's Laws relating to pizza delivery. Here goes...
-Dumpsters do not have address numbers. The residents of these places, however, think they do. The same is true for cardboard boxes and sewer lids.
-Customers don't actually know where they live. When asked for their general location, they like to name the address of a building down the street, or even across the city.
-Landmarks that mean a damn will never be mentioned by a customer when giving directions. Instead, you'll get ambiguous landmarks, like "Next to the trailer" for a location in a trailer park.
-People who live in sub-addresses, such as 301-B Second Street, will forget about their letter.
-Customers don't like leaving their porch lights on at night. Rather than looking for the house with the light on, drivers should look for the house that is most dangerous with the lights off. That will be the house.
-The chances of a customer paying with a one-hundred dollar bill for a ten-dollar order are inversely proportional to their knowledge of English.
-Corollary: The difficulty of communicating that there is not enough change is directly proportional to the number of suspicious individuals in the area who are eyballing both you and the large bill.
-Customers aren't the only ones who enjoy playing "guess the number." Coworkers enjoy writing the wrong number for such places motel rooms. Consulting a roulette table is a necessity for more accurate numbers.
-The likelihood of getting a tip is inversely proportional to the difficulty of getting to the customer's location.
The likelihood of getting a tip is inversely proportional to the amount of change that will be given back to the customer.
-Corollary: If both rules above are applied, and the chances of getting a tip are found to be high, then the chances of getting a tip instead form a feedback loop and become zero.
-Small children do not recognize delivery drivers as actual human beings. Rather, they regard them as carrier devices, as evidenced by the common greeting, "Hi, Pizza!"
edit--added these:
-Delivering to a hotel room which is being used by a prostitute will incur wrath from the John, or a high degree of suspicion from the prostitute. Whoever is the problem at the door will likely be the one who called in the order.
-Coworkers who have the least knowledge of the surrounding area will be the ones to make snide remarks concerning taking twenty or more minutes to reach destinations that are twenty or more minutes away.
-In a ghetto, the thugs on the curb who look like they're ready to kill the next moving thing they see are the ones who called in the order.
-Corollary: Sometimes customers don't want the food. Sometimes they just need to get in some target practice on a slow day.
-In circumstances that a driver must deliver to an area of the city that is unfamiliar, it will be quickly discovered why the area is rarely visited by anyone.
-Coworkers often ignore Caller ID and will type in whatever street name sounds closest to--but isn't--the street name of the customer.
-The likelihood of your having to answer a phone order for a customer who doesn't speak the same language as you is directly proportional to the need for you to assist in taking phone orders.
-The persistence of phone customers with bad connections is directly proportional to the degree of trouble with their line.
-The paler the skin of the customer, the higher the probability of a tip.
-The paler the skin of the driver, the higher the probability of a tip.
-Driver=janitor. Cook crews know this rule by heart and will make messes accordingly.
-Suffering is part of the job description for Delivery Drivers.
-If a manager is suffering, chances are they used to be a driver.
-People who come in and want piles of free coupons are the least likely to ever buy anything from the store.
-Every other crew member will find a way out of close-up duty. This leaves only you.
-As opening the store, and the subsquent hours, is the easiest period to work, every other crew member will find a way into this shift.
-The chances of being hungry for a certain pizza is directly proportional to the chances of having to be around orders for it all day.
edit 2: added more
-No employee ever earns anything, except for punishment.
-Crap floats to the top, which is why only crappy people are in the highest manager positions.
-If an employee is told by a manager not to do something, the manager will do that same thing directly after the warning.
-Nepotism is the only way to move up in the world.
-If you ever say you are willing to do something, even if you specify you will do so only if direly needed, it will suddenly become part of your regular schedule to do that.
-The most reliable people are the ones who get the fewest days off.
-The least reliable people are rewarded with three-day work weeks.
-Dumpsters do not have address numbers. The residents of these places, however, think they do. The same is true for cardboard boxes and sewer lids.
-Customers don't actually know where they live. When asked for their general location, they like to name the address of a building down the street, or even across the city.
-Landmarks that mean a damn will never be mentioned by a customer when giving directions. Instead, you'll get ambiguous landmarks, like "Next to the trailer" for a location in a trailer park.
-People who live in sub-addresses, such as 301-B Second Street, will forget about their letter.
-Customers don't like leaving their porch lights on at night. Rather than looking for the house with the light on, drivers should look for the house that is most dangerous with the lights off. That will be the house.
-The chances of a customer paying with a one-hundred dollar bill for a ten-dollar order are inversely proportional to their knowledge of English.
-Corollary: The difficulty of communicating that there is not enough change is directly proportional to the number of suspicious individuals in the area who are eyballing both you and the large bill.
-Customers aren't the only ones who enjoy playing "guess the number." Coworkers enjoy writing the wrong number for such places motel rooms. Consulting a roulette table is a necessity for more accurate numbers.
-The likelihood of getting a tip is inversely proportional to the difficulty of getting to the customer's location.
The likelihood of getting a tip is inversely proportional to the amount of change that will be given back to the customer.
-Corollary: If both rules above are applied, and the chances of getting a tip are found to be high, then the chances of getting a tip instead form a feedback loop and become zero.
-Small children do not recognize delivery drivers as actual human beings. Rather, they regard them as carrier devices, as evidenced by the common greeting, "Hi, Pizza!"
edit--added these:
-Delivering to a hotel room which is being used by a prostitute will incur wrath from the John, or a high degree of suspicion from the prostitute. Whoever is the problem at the door will likely be the one who called in the order.
-Coworkers who have the least knowledge of the surrounding area will be the ones to make snide remarks concerning taking twenty or more minutes to reach destinations that are twenty or more minutes away.
-In a ghetto, the thugs on the curb who look like they're ready to kill the next moving thing they see are the ones who called in the order.
-Corollary: Sometimes customers don't want the food. Sometimes they just need to get in some target practice on a slow day.
-In circumstances that a driver must deliver to an area of the city that is unfamiliar, it will be quickly discovered why the area is rarely visited by anyone.
-Coworkers often ignore Caller ID and will type in whatever street name sounds closest to--but isn't--the street name of the customer.
-The likelihood of your having to answer a phone order for a customer who doesn't speak the same language as you is directly proportional to the need for you to assist in taking phone orders.
-The persistence of phone customers with bad connections is directly proportional to the degree of trouble with their line.
-The paler the skin of the customer, the higher the probability of a tip.
-The paler the skin of the driver, the higher the probability of a tip.
-Driver=janitor. Cook crews know this rule by heart and will make messes accordingly.
-Suffering is part of the job description for Delivery Drivers.
-If a manager is suffering, chances are they used to be a driver.
-People who come in and want piles of free coupons are the least likely to ever buy anything from the store.
-Every other crew member will find a way out of close-up duty. This leaves only you.
-As opening the store, and the subsquent hours, is the easiest period to work, every other crew member will find a way into this shift.
-The chances of being hungry for a certain pizza is directly proportional to the chances of having to be around orders for it all day.
edit 2: added more
-No employee ever earns anything, except for punishment.
-Crap floats to the top, which is why only crappy people are in the highest manager positions.
-If an employee is told by a manager not to do something, the manager will do that same thing directly after the warning.
-Nepotism is the only way to move up in the world.
-If you ever say you are willing to do something, even if you specify you will do so only if direly needed, it will suddenly become part of your regular schedule to do that.
-The most reliable people are the ones who get the fewest days off.
-The least reliable people are rewarded with three-day work weeks.
