Marriage...

[DÛke]

...

I know that a couple of CPA members are married, or have been married once (or twice), so I believe I'll get a good opinion concerning my questions here...

What does it feel like being married? How is it different than just being in a relationship?

I want to know, in detail, how being married feels like...

I hope this is not too personal.

 

[Istanbul]

Each and every moment is like being suffocated.
It is an endless stream of desperately trying to keep up with the other person's needs, and neglecting your own.
It is finding that the woman you thought you loved takes great pride in pointing out your every flaw at great length.
It is sharing your space with someone who has no respect for it.
It is making love to a woman to whom 'creativity' is a four-letter word.
It is akin to slamming your penis in a car door. For an hour. Then ripping it off with a rusty claw-hammer.
It is giving up your friends, your hobbies, and your life to suit her.
It is giving up your income every paycheck, in hopes that you don't have to give up half of *everything* should she decide that she wants a divorce.
It is trying to juggle ten thousand chainsaws at once; you know you can't, and when you drop one, nothing but pain follows.












I've never been married. I'm making it up.

 

[Chaos Turtle]

Well, you pretty much hit the mark describing my marriage experience. Well, except for the penis-in-the-door and clawhammer routine. And the part about the divorce...I gave her almost everything as incentive to leave.

What a nightmare.

But anyway, I'm sure that there are plenty of people who are having much happier marriages even now, who will be delighted to share their points of view.

I hope they know how lucky they are.

 

[Zadok001]

Both myself and my wonderful girlfriend stand of the opinion that marriage is a somewhat outdated institution. Rather unnessesary, to be honest. So I doubt I'll ever be able to answer that question effectively...

 

[DÛke]

...just that I see these role models of mine that are *so* completely happily married. I truly envy them -- not like I'm married or anything -- but I can feel their loving each other without them saying a word. It's very phenomenal, seeing how two people can fall so deeply in love like that, with immortal passion and devotion...

Yet...I see others that are so unhappily married. In fact, it seems that there are more unhappy marriages than the long-lasting ones. Though, the long lasting ones seem so heavenly that just seeing one happily married couple is an influence and an inspiration to truly find "the one."

I'm just curious as to what makes a marriage works...to me, right now, it seems real love -- no -- I'm not talking about infantile teenagers having crushes. I'm talking about a love that slowly developed into something extreme...

What else?

For some reason, it seems to me that...starting a relationship (for dating, marriage, or just friendship) with the one you have opposed the most for so long is a good idea...is this the right impulse?

Just so nobody get's the wrong idea, I'm 18...so I'm nowhere *near* thinking about getting married...

 

[Mundungu]

Well Duke, I will be more than happy to tell you a few good (and not so good) things about being married (as I am for 2 1/2 years now)

Sadly it will have to wait 'cause tonight I'm too tired to focus.

But I'll get back to it.

A small sumary though : it all depends if the person you marry is right for you and the amount of synergy created.

ciao

 

[Spiderman]

Chaos Turtle: You were divorced? How interesting... I didn't even know you had been married...

Zadok: Curious, why do you guys feel that way? Because it's such a "public" announcement of feelings you have anyway? Because it's a hassle?

Answering the original question: I've been married almost 4 years now (next month) and I think it's great. You have to work on it, no doubt about it, because there's the danger of falling into a "routine" and perhaps taking the other person for granted when you know she's always going to be there. And you'll have arguments; you have to know how to resolve them because you can't just "walk away" from them (you can if they're really bad, but I think working them out takes more effort than when you're not married if you're truly committed to wanting to stay with the person).

 

[DÛke]

...how is all that different than being in a relationship? I know a lot of ladies *like* committed relationship these days, but I'm curious.

What does marriage have to offer that is unique in order to make it worthy?

 

[Evan_Mann]

It offers an implied permanancy and level of commitment that ranges far beyond simply "going steady".

It is a concept that the immature are loth to grasp...usualy at the pain of entering into said commitment before one or both of the participants are indeed ready for such a thing.

It is also a partnership of two through all of lifes troubles and triumphs. It is a dedication to eachother that they will stay together and work together through the worst of it, not only the good.

It is an institution that truely transcends a "commited relationship", although it is one, but more, for is is a sugestion of two people that they will have eachother and no other for the rest of their days. It is a bond that lies between, at it's apothosis, two people that are each friends, companions, partners and lovers to eachother and commited to staying that way..

 

[EricBess]

Very interesting. Very interesting indeed. Marriage is devinely appointed. In today's society, sex has been degraded to the point of being automatic and, to put it blunt, nothing special.

Duke, if there is no religious, emotional, or personal reasons behind it, than Zadok is probably right. I've known a lot of people for whom marriage is just a technicality that the government likes, so why bother.

This is unfortunately, because it can and should be so much more than this. And, as CT and even Istanbul have commented, marriage can be hell. However again, this depends on the attitude and intent going into it.

If both parties are willing to give the commitment that it takes to make a marriage work, it will. And it will be one of the greatest things imaginable. I won't go into detail, but the commitment and the trust that can exist is worth it. Kids, on the other hand....

I've been married for over 10 years and have 4 children (as a qualification)

 

[Spiderman]

You can talk about at least two aspects of marriage: legal and ideally/emotionally.

Legally, a spouse gains a bunch of benefits (and some not) of being married. Like if you die, your stuff goes to the spouse, as opposed to if you're just living together, it goes to the next of kin (roughly) which could be your hated sibling. Of course, I think your spouse assumes your debts too.

Emotionally, if you're truly committed to a person, it probably doesn't matter if you're married or not; hopefully you'll try to work things out when there's problems.

So marriage gives that sense of "finality". Why do it if it doesn't matter? Why not? From a practical point of view, at least you're getting the legal/societal benefits...

 

[Gizmo]

It is an institution that truely transcends a "commited relationship", although it is one, but more, for is is a sugestion of two people that they will have eachother and no other for the rest of their days. It is a bond that lies between, at it's apothosis, two people that are each friends, companions, partners and lovers to eachother and commited to staying that way..

That would perhaps be true if marriage didnt go hand in hadn with that other institution - divorce. Marriage DOES simply mean 'going steady'. Saying otherwise is instantly devaluing all relationships between non-married couples no matter how long they have stayed together.

The greatest commitment you can make to somebody is NOT sticking a dumb ring on the end of their finger and promising not to cheat on them, which is effectively all that marriage is (assuming you dont take any of that religious mumbo jumbo seriously). When you`re willing to have a joint bank account you both have full and open access to then that`s a REAL commitment.

Having said that, no doubt I will one day get married. Why? I guess because partly it`s expected, and partly because its romantic.

 

[Spiderman]

If marriage means "going steady", doesn't divorce mean "breaking up"? So why do you imply a negative connotation there?

And frankly, I DO value marriage above non-married couples. It's great they stayed together for x amount of years, but legal issues aside, it takes balls to "get married". Like it or not, it's got that societal stigma attached to it.

 

[rkoelsch]

I suppose I should probably put my input in having been married longer than Duke is alive. I don't think my wife and I ever had the feeling that we were destined to be together. We are having trouble adjusting now that my daughter is grown and married. I think I have gone a little crazy after being responsible all those years. I know our relationship is strained right now but I watch her talking to my daughter and granddaughter and laughing and I know I have to find a way to work it out. I still don't regret what I had done so many years ago.

 

[DÛke]

...marriage *is* like a relationship. Since my last relationship, I haven't had a single relationship because, for some enigmatic reason, I'm looking for a more serious one now. I think I found it...but it's too early to tell.

It seems to me that the important things that apply for a successful marriage also apply for a successful relationship. That would be commitment. I'm still jealous of some of the guys that are so happily married for at least a decade now...because somehow, I know they're going to be together forever, yet still have all that fun that a non-married couple has. I want to have a relationship like that...

...you know, not lose the love somewhere in the way...like the many ones I know have, even my parents...

I don't want to get married because I'm "supposed" to. I want it because just looking at the successful marriages makes me feel good...having one of my own would probably kill me (out of joy, of course)...

Sorry that you've had a bad experience, Chaos Turtle...

I still have a question. How many of you married guys are married to a woman who also is involved in Magic -- mostly playing Magic?

And Chaos Turtle, did your wife play Magic?

 

[Chaos Turtle]

Unfortunately, I think a lot of people marry for the same reasons I did. My girlfriend and I were great friends, and very respectful of one another. Affectionate, spiritual... and her parents expected us to get married. Her whole family did, despite the fact that the parents hated me at first (youngest daughter, ya know; I wasn't "good enough").

I never wanted to get married, and it was foolish of me, to have done it anyway. I hurt a good friend, ruined a positive relationship, and put myself in therapy. Don't get me wrong, I put a lot into it, but in the end she was just a lazy selfish bitch. But I knew that beforehand.

DÛke: Yes, she played Magic occasionally. She was not as "into it" as I was, but she seemed to enjoy it enough to play once or twice each week.

I won't comment on the religious aspect of marriage. I do believe though, that (at least in this country) marriage is treated too much as a "thing to do." That is, just something that two people who are in a romantic/sexual relationship see as the obvious next step. Furthermore, I've known people who get married with the expectation that they will eventually be divorced. I think it's stupid to do that, to enter into a contract that one expects to break later on.

Don't make that mistake.

My advice: Be certain. Be absolutely certain that you want to share the rest (or at least a significant portion) of your life with the person you're thinking of marrying.*

Best of luck to you.

*This is a general statement, by the way, not directed at any one person.

 

[Istanbul]

Just an idea, but...

Move in with the person you're considering marrying for a MINIMUM of three months before you even start talking about it.

It's one thing to like somebody a lot. It's another thing to live with them.

 

[Gizmo]

Three MONTHS?

I`d go for three YEARS at least.

And Spidey, I wasnt putting a pejorative, I was attempting to balance a positive that Evan Mann had put on. Simply saying that if marriage was SUCH a statement of everlasting commitment as he said it was, there wouldnt be divorce.

 

[Evan_Mann]

Isn't that like saying that if life was beutiful, there would be no death?

It's just my opinion that if there is a divorce, then the things I mentioned were not there to begin with. Recall that I used the word "apothosis". I was describing what marrige was meant to be, and what it means to me, not how it unfortunetly ends up, all too often.

 

[Spiderman]

Answering DUke's question: My wife hates Magic. She's played before (we played drawing from a single library) and she beat me a fair amount of times, but her deep dislike goes back to when we were going out and at times I put Magic ahead of her. I don't blame her for it and though it was tough when there were people to play (not so bad anymore as the people drifted away or stopped playing), that's why you compromise. You have to look at what's more important: Magic or a living human being who loves you. And I chose the latter.

She likes games overall, just kind of shys away from "strategy" type games (wargames, Magic, etc). She likes the more "social" aspect with bunches of people, so she plays D&D and party games.

In general, I agree that a lot of times, people marry for the legal benefits or because it's expected which is the wrong (generally) reasons to get married, which is why I think the word or "institution" has been cheapened. If people held up to Evan_Mann's idea, it'd probably mean more and wouldn't be entered into so lightly (and there wouldn't be any divorce). But like any promise or "contract", there are occasions where it can be broken and society has recognized it with "divorce". But just as if marriage was truly the deep commitment it is supposed to be, divorce would probably gain back its "stigma" or at least be more difficult to achieve and recognized only as a true last resort.