Have you tried this?

[Ransac]

Try this, I hear it helps with hemmarroid(I know I spelled it wrong) infections!


Blow you nose his your dog's underwear and stand on your pinky for 45 hours. Then, sing the star spangled banner backwards(do it right the first time, other-wise you'll have to start over again) while jumping on a fresh-made seven-layer cake. Then, scream out the words "ALBLUJA PIKATHULU". If you have been attacked by a rabid ferret, you did it correctly. If it was a rabid mongoose, you wil die.


Ransac, cpa trash man

 

[MrXarvox]

This is the home remedy for ebola that's been in the family for 6 generations:

Round up a red log of many sizes, sit upon the sharp end until a leak appears, the fluid secreted must be hit with a bicycle tire until pulverized. then, proceed to gauge the flow ratio of the ham form 30 to 1, and all you have to do then is tickle your fancy.
When that is done, check your face for pus, and you will find none.
If there is pus, work it into your shampoo and lather, rinse, then repeat.

 

[Chaos Turtle]

Um, when the rabid ferret attacked me, I bashed in its head. Will that affect the remedy in any way? God I hope not; my hemorhoids are killing me.