Funny Stuff

F

Fire Slinger

Guest
My dad likes to email me jokes, so I thought that I would post a few...

> Confused?
>
> We now live in a country where I have no President but I do have ...
>
> 1) a dead Senator from Missouri going to Congress.
>
> 2) a fake President played on TV by Martin Sheen.
>
> 3) a new Senator from New York who used to be the wife of the boss of
> the
> man who may be President.
>
> 4) a Governor from Florida who is the brother of the man who may be
> President and son of a man who was.
>
> 5) a sitting President whose wife now will be hanging around the same
> men
> who voted to remove him from office.
>
> 6) a senior Senator from South Carolina who, under our current
> Constitution rules, could be appointed to be President in this standoff
> despite the fact that he is 98.
>
> 7) a potential Vice President who, because he did not take his name off
> the Connecticut Senate race, could end up being the deciding factor in
> how the Senate is composed.
>
> And finally ....
>
> 8) A state where a Republican Secretary of State and a Democratic
> Attorney
> General try to determine the outcome of 25 electoral votes without
> appearing to be partisan.
>
> Any questions? Frankly, I don't see what the confusion is all about.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut
right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on the
shoulder. This evidently pissed the driver off enough that he hung out
his window and flipped the woman off. "Man, that guy is stupid" I
thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner
whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why. I
drive 38 miles each way, every day, to work. That's 76 miles, of these,
16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. So, if you just
look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass a different car
every 40 feet per lane. That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That
works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the
rest of the 34 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least
another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000
cars I pass every day.

Statistically half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000. In
any given group of females, 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their
period. That is 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their
love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding, that's 449. According to
the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females have seriously
considered suicide or homicide, that's 98.

And, 34% describe men as their biggest problem, that's 33. According
to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons,
and the number is increasing.

That means, that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female
that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has
seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of
her period, and is armed.

No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn't DREAM of upsetting her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

English Units !!

For those who thought the hardest part of Physics 101 was
the constant conversion from MKS or CGS units to English
units, here are some useful English system conversions.

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton

1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement:
1 bananosecond

Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour:
Knot-furlong

365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less
filling: 1 lite year

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling

Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon

1000 aches: 1 megahurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower

Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line
(think about it for a moment)

453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake

1 million-million microphones: 1 megaphone

1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles

365.25 days: 1 unicycle

2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....)

10 cards: 1 decacards

1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton

1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen

1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche

1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin

10 rations: 1 decoration

100 rations: 1 C-ration

2 monograms: 1 diagram

8 nickels: 2 paradigms

2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale
University Hospital: 1 I.V. League

100 Senators: Not 1 decision

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Elderly Aunt Grace had an appointment with her doctor to find out what
could be
done about her constipation.

"It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."

"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.

"Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half
hour in the morning and again at night."

"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"

"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
:D If you knew my dad, you would understand...

I'll post more when I get them.
 
F

Fire Slinger

Guest
Who would you pick?

Question 1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already,
three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she Had
syphilis; would you recommend that she have an abortion?

Read the next question before scrolling down to the answer of this one.

Question 2: It is time to elect a new world leader, and your vote counts Here
are the facts about the three leading candidates:

Candidate A: Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with
astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to
10 martinis a day.

Candidate B: He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium
in college and drinks a quart of whisky every evening.

Candidate C: He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke,
drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any extramarital affairs.



Which of these candidates would be your choice? Decide first, no peeking,
then scroll down for the answer.






















Think about it, seriously....


















































Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt
Candidate B is Winston Churchill

Candidate C is Adolph Hitler


And by the way: Answer to the abortion question-if you said yes, you just
killed Beethoven.

Pretty interesting isn't it. Makes a person think before judging someone.
 
K

K9Archmage

Guest
Wow! I told you that Hitler was a great guy, but NOOOO! you didn't believe me!

[me] is still blinking rapidly. Everyone falls on the floor with seizures.[/me]

Hoipa
 
F

Fire Slinger

Guest
A sergeant in a parachute regiment took part in
several night time exercises. Once, he was seated
next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump School.

He was quiet sad looked a bit pale so the sergeant
struck up a conversation. "Scared, Lieutenant?",
He asked.

"No, just a bit apprehensive." the lieutenant replied.

The sergeant asked, "What's the difference?"

The lieutenant replied, "That means I'm scared, and
have a university education."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy says, "I remember the first time I used
alcohol as a substitute for women."
"Yeah what happened?" asked the other.
The first guy replies, "Well, I got my penis
stuck in the neck of the bottle."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned
to
getting older. The first guy said, "Women have all the luck when it comes
to getting older."

"What do you mean?" asked the second guy.

"Well," replied the first. "I can barely remember the last time I was
able
to get it up in bed, but my wife is healthier than ever!"

"Healthier? How is that?" his buddy wondered.

"Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed she'd get
these terrible headaches." He answered. "Now that we're older, she hasn't
had a headache in years."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Naturally," she says, "I'm his aunt............
But I'm glad I came."


A group of friends who prided themselves on their intelligence
set out to have a contest of wits. Each person in turn asked a
question and anyone who volunteered an answer that was
wrong dropped out. If no one could answer, the questioner
himself had to answer, and if he was wrong, he dropped out.

Each dropout had to put $5 into the pot.

Eventually the matter boiled down to Thompson and Brown,
and the erudition of each one boiled up so that both were held
even for half an hour.

Finally Thompson said, "How does a gopher dig a hole without
leaving a mound of dirt at the lip?"

Brown thought about that and said, "I can't answer that.
However, since it's your question, you had better answer it."

Thompson said coolly, as he reached for the accumulated pile
of bills. "Easy. The gopher starts at the bottom of the hole and
that's where he leaves the dirt."

"Hold on," said Brown heatedly, grasping Thompson's wrist to
prevent him from taking the pot. "How does the gopher get to
the bottom of the hole in the first place?"

"That's your question," said Thompson as he took the money.
 
F

Fire Slinger

Guest
What would have happened if it had been the three Wise Women instead of
the
three Wise Men?

You can bet they would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped
deliver
the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought practical
gifts.

However, what would they have said when they left? Here are some possible
comments:

"Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that gown?"

"That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph!"

"I heard that Joseph isn't even working right now!"

"Want to bet how long it will take to get your casserole dish back?"
 
F

fuzzy510

Guest
Candidate D: Charged for Drunk Driving in Maine and cocaine use, is only running because he's a daddy's boy, and knows jack sh** about how to run this country.

Whoops! That's George W. Bush!
 
F

fuzzy510

Guest
Dr. Seuss Explains Why Computers Sometimes Crash
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted
at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk
abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report. If your cursor
finds a menu item followed by a dash and the double-clicking icon puts your
window in the trash; and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't
hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house says the network is
connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to
another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons
in the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot and go out
with a bang, 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk and the microcode
instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you'll have to flash the memory
and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure
to tell your Mom!
 
T

Thallid Ice Cream Man

Guest
Didn't I send that to you fuzzy anyway? Oh well, it doesn't matter.
 
A

Apollo

Guest
I was forced to type that in my keyboarding class last year. I was forced to type many things like that in my keyboarding class last year. As such, I no longer appreciate them. Ugh.
 
A

Apollo

Guest
[me]chomps on Gerode's big toe.[/me]

Yes I did, thank you very much. It was an automatic A+ if you typed the stuff, though.
 
G

Gerode

Guest
I get an automatic A anyway. :D

I'm actually getting a new teacher for Keyboarding in a few days, so the current situation may change :(
 
F

fuzzy510

Guest
Yes, TICM you sent that to me. I thought that was the whole point of e-mail jokes...
 
K

K9Archmage

Guest
Keyboarding class? Who needs it?!!! I never took it, and yet i can type a whole 10 words per minute.

Hoipa
 
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