Creature Feature Future

Discussion in 'Current Events' started by Zhaneel, Apr 19, 2003.

  1. Zhaneel Resident Gryphon Queen

    Creature Feature Future

    By Adam Felber

    There's no sense arguing about it any more. We Americans - conservative or liberal, atheist or religious, black or white - live inside our own movies. Everything in our lives, from the teen sex romps of our youths to the romantic comedies of our courtships to the searing dramas of our eventual terminal illnesses, is shaped by our unshakeable conviction that we are the stars of our own Hollywood features.

    So when it comes to shared experiences, events bigger than our own lives, the only real question up for debate is, "What kind of movie is this, anyway?" [To argue that this is, in fact, reality and not actually a movie - that movies are supposed to reflect reality and not vice versa - is to fundamentally misunderstand the American experience. Go back to France.]

    To our Administration, the War in Iraq was quite obviously a war movie or a western, and we've just come to the end of it. The marines or cavalry have come storming in, the final duel's been fought in the town square, and the good guys have won the day. Old Glory is flying proudly, the sexy heroine embraces our hero, the wounded-but-miraculously-alive Lt. Riggs gives a thumbs-up from his stretcher, and ol' Pops jumps up and down and hugs his burro in a silly but touching bit of comic relief. Roll the credits and be sure to come back next week for our new feature, "The Road to Damascus."

    Unfortunately, we anti-war-in-Iraq folks see it differently. We're no less guilty of Hollywoodization, of course. But we're living a different sort of movie, and one that may be sadly closer to reality.

    It's a monster movie. And we're only at the end of the second act.

    The heart and soul of a creature feature is the idea that the authorities just don't get it. They don't really understand the nature of the threat we're facing, and their knee-jerk use of force is only going to make things worse. We're the white-jacketed, studious, but undeniably handsome scientists who find themselves pushed to the sidelines halfway through, as the military or police force pump round after round into the horrifying creature from outer space/ underground/ beneath the ocean/ the heart of the reactor. In vain we stand there and scream, "No! Don't! You don't understand! Electricity makes him stronger! Bullets only make him angry! It feeds on that stuff! No, you fools, it's an egg sac!!"

    Oddly, though, the creature does fall. And the sergeant blows on his smoking pistol, pats us patronizingly on the back, the townsfolk cheer, and the tanks roll off to their next mission. Even the heaving-bosomed young lab assistant thinks we're just jealous of the real men who saved the city.

    But we're only at the end of Act 2. You know what's coming. It's practically coded into your American DNA.

    Slowly, largely unseen by the celebrating masses, the creature slowly pulls itself to its feet. Reconstitutes itself. Its shattered pieces begin to pulse and grow, each one a rapidly-expanding perfect replica of the original... Suddenly, a small boy points and screams...

    ["Dear god, it's back! And stronger than ever!"]

    This is what us white-coated heroes were trying to tell everybody back during the last reel. The real nature of the enemy, the true threat, has been misidentified. And now we're really in for it.

    Fundamentalism may now take hold in Iraq, and Sharia law will reign. Hezbollah, long largely concerned with Israel, is now howling for American blood via suicide bombings. The ignored idea that Saddam's regime was as hateful to Islamists as it was to us is now proving to be at least partly true.

    These developments do not constitute a victory. At best it's a sad vindication of the world-view of the Creaturists over that of the Westernists. And there's some essential and sobering traits of the creature feature that we have to keep in mind: Now it's up to us to come up with some kind of brilliant, last-ditch solution. The sheriffs and generals may never acknowledge that much of this was caused by their own reckless militaristic overkill, and the work of the real heroes often goes unnoticed by the larger population. Most alarmingly, though, there's the simple fact that in these types of movies, us heroic nerds don't always succeed. Sometimes the creature wins. A desperate citizen runs towards the camera and screams "Run for your lives!" Even if we do triumph, in our cinematic world there's always a late-appearing question mark after "The End" is splashed upon the screen.

    But that doesn't mean it's not worth a try. I don't know what the right solution is going to be, but as a loyal Cinematic American I know this about the Plan: We've got nothing to lose! It's so crazy it just might work! And it's our only hope!

    Start thinking, Creaturists. We may never win the love of a grateful public, we won't ride a tank triumphantly down Main Street, and saving the world will have to be our sole reward. That and the buxom lab assistant. And that's not so bad.
  2. Nightstalkers Creature — Nightstalker

    Does living inside a basement, spacestation, or tree, wearing nothing but a bra and panties eating ramen noodles out of the package really seen as a movie to you?

    What comedy is there at the thought :rolleyes:
  3. Apollo Bird Boy

    Great article, IMHO. I just have two questions:

    Why don't I have many teen sex romps? :(

    Will you be my buxom lab assistant, Zhaneel? ;) Or, if you're the type that likes to be the star, I could always be the assistant (though I'm not very buxom).
  4. train The Wildcard!!!...

    I think you need to dull your talons a bit... sharp objects on skin are not always inviting concepts...
    Apollo - don't doubt your buxomity... just ruffle your feathers a bit, and puff out your chest... you know, like if it was mating season...;)

    I just said "buxomity".................... WoW!...:eek: :cool:
  5. Zhaneel Resident Gryphon Queen

    or we could be co-heros, championing good and wiping out evil everywhere! starting at the white house.

    lol.. buxomity... hehehe

    oh yeah, and back on-topic... anyone have anything political to say? train?
  6. train The Wildcard!!!...

    Hmmm... lemme see here....

    We kicked ARSE!!!...

    And aren't done yet?...

    And the casualties were minimal... though it is stupid to say some of them were not combat related...

    Now where exactly is Korea(jk)?... I need to point my shotgun that direction...
  7. Nightstalkers Creature — Nightstalker

    *Points at Portugal* There! :D

    What is the whole thing with crazies and their odd assessments of the world? Take our friends idea that we are all part of some movie and we cannot snap outta that. Now if he were to be put into a mental institution (Preferably one run by us) and doped up because of his idea's on the human condition, where would freedom reign?
  8. Zhaneel Resident Gryphon Queen


    And I thought the days of colonialism were over.
  9. Apollo Bird Boy

    Unfortunately, this creature feature doesn't play out in a couple hours: it could be quite a long time before we find out all the ramifications of the army's foolhardy actions.

    *Apollo walks up next to Zhaneel and strikes a heroic pose while flashbulbs go off around them.*
  10. train The Wildcard!!!...

    I think I'll leave Apollo and Zhaneel in their photo op alone...

    but I had means, and opportunity... just not motive;)
  11. arhar Member

    Very good article. I think unfortunately it'll take even more than 9/11 before the world realizes just how dangerous the monster of religious fanaticism really is.
  12. DÛke Memento Mori

    At least the danger of religious fanaticism can be realized, although 9/11, as you suggested, has failed to convince the entire world of how impeccable, how unmatched this danger can be.

    But at last, I place myself before all of fanaticism and fanatics, religious and otherwise. What can possibly force Americans to realize their American fanaticism? Has it not been obvious before us, before the entire world, before the very eyes of even blind men, in the vast sunlight, that America is a fanatic, a "liberal," "moral," "good" fanatic? A defiant, primitive nation? - or must one make it clear again, that the open defiance, the very open and proud defiance of the United States concerning all of laws, all compromise, all negotiation, and at last, all of the world, all people, little or small…we ask ourselves: does the pure smell of fanaticism not strike us here, perhaps clearer than ever before? The rotten stench of a people gone astray, idealized by their own selves, and as if their ideals constituted anything more than this fanaticism, this extreme in everything liberalness, the "common good," the "good of the people," the severe equalization between unequal people, the “police of the world,” the “God Bless ME” – when do we simply look down at this and laugh, simply laugh at this child of a nation and a people?

    "...the irony of the United States' preaching democracy all the while breaking all the laws of democracy with a defiant, undemocratic stance - perhaps the most undemocratic stance to ever be taken, perhaps the most defiant cause, the most opposed cause in recent years. Is this irony even realized today?..."
  13. arhar Member

    Americans are not fanatics.
  14. Mazzak Stylemongering Protodeity

    Very true. Most Americans are far too cowardly to actually do anything particularly fanatical. Instead, in the name of "good", they just idly slaughter millions with bombs. God Bless America!!!!!!!
  15. Svenmonkey Pants Chancellor

    Everything would be better if everyone would just give up the ham.
  16. arhar Member

    Fanaticism is the opposite of courage.
  17. train The Wildcard!!!...

    But this danger is not unmatched, in fact, it is superceded, by the mind.

    That is the most dangerous entity existent in the world... ever...
  18. Mazzak Stylemongering Protodeity

    That statement is blatantly wrong. Fanaticism actually tends to provide a great deal of courage. Bloody stupid, ignorant, misguided courage... but still courage.
  19. arhar Member

    It doesn't take courage to blow yourself up in a bus. However, it does take fanaticism.
  20. DÛke Memento Mori


    ...and at last, we lift the curtains only to confront the modern masquerade...


    ...really! No! Really!

    We ought to at once dismiss this blind faith we have in mere words, and that is all they are: mere words.

    It does not take courage to blow one's self up, it takes...fanaticism. And notice how easily we can reverse these two words: it does not take fanaticism to blow one's self up, it takes courage. Have we done anything here? Have we toyed with the laws of the universe? Have we upset God, perhaps?

    No, but you see...we have upset the multitude of childish fanatics who place too much faith on words...

    Terrorism versus war? At the very bottom of both of these there rests one main instinct: revenge. And if a war is not for revenge, than let me put it this way: it is for profit, personal profit, or as modernity would have us believe: "the profit of the common good." The common good? How noble of you all, how noble of these men, to be such divine, such seekers of the common good! O you Godsent people... Godsent clowns!

    ...and what is yet more clownish is that many believe and respect these so-called "leaders of the common good," the "liberators" and "peacemakers." At the end, people are clowns too. Only clowns believe in clowns, and it takes one fanatical, clownish bastard to pay due and respect, to place his faith and existence in the hands of such clowns. Can someone due me the favor of counting how many bastards are alive today, are existing, are living, and are called "good"?

    "...we should stop blaming a government or few leaders, and start blaming the people, the good ol'majority..."

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