Alternate Meanings

[TomB]

The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of this year's winning entries:

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have
gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul
goes upon the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Pokemon , A Jamaican proctologist.

 

[Hetemti]

Very interesting. However, I feel I am entitled punative damages.

 

[TomB]

Originally posted by Hetemti
Very interesting. However, I feel I am entitled punative damages.

Very punny, Hetemti. Are you sure you want to opun up that can of worms?

Speaking of alternative meanings, here's a few more from tonight's email...

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT AT THE OFFICE, AREN'T:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!
5. HMMMMMMMMM...I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty, but at the office it isn't:

1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!!!
____________________________

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN LAW, AREN'T:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty, but in law isn't:

1. Think you can get me off?
________________________________

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN GOLF AREN'T:

10. Damn...my shaft is bent!
9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty, but in golf, isn't:

1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Health info.
A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.

(B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also
suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also
suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(E) Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking
English that kills you...

 

[Apollo]

That last post was pretty funny, but the first section can only be classified as horrible punishment.