A dead soul's last words

[Riva Iron-Grip]

here is my poetry. i write cuz of depression, and i fite myself in my mind. this is the product of my mental battle. enjoy

A dead soul’s last words

1. Darkness imprisoning me
How can I see?
Darkness has taken my eyes
Taken my mind
Taken my soul
And taken my heart
Light help me
Feel the silence about to break
I'm about to walk away so I can breathe
Lies
For you I'm awake
Because of you I'm alive
I told you I'm awake, swallowing your lies
Darkness take me away
Darkness kill what is left of me
Swallow my essence of life, before it is diminished by hate
God is my slave

2. My mind is a dark room
Only mysteries and myths fill its halls
But what is in the middle?
I am
Patiently waiting for someone to take me away
Why?
Because utter solitude destroys my mind
Wreaking havoc on the body
And creating a thunderstorm of emotion
One minute calm, the next howling and pounding
My mind desperately awaits to meet those that can understand
Until that day, I am alone
Only to be broken by those around me
And to be trampled by those who pretend to care
But what doesn't kill me, makes me stronger

3. This world surrounds me, shoving things into my head
Only to dance with my mentality
When I push back, society releases its dogs
Just because I didn't believe
This surreal world is unreal
No one can understand the pains I've endured
No one cares to be embraced
When someone does, they help until they can't take anymore
When I talk to people, they act like everything is perfect
When, in reality, it is exactly the opposite
I'm in a crowded room, everyone is talking to me
But no one will touch me
Why should they?
Am I not as demented as they think that I am?
I'm all alone
I cannot stay in this world for much longer
If I do, I'll suffocate
Can't someone burst my bubble of unprotection?
Or come in with me?

4. When I hear your voice, I want to cry
You are the only one that can make me happy
When we say good-bye, part of me wants to die
I wish that I could be there for you
But I can't
Sometimes, I wish that you could hold me
And I'd fall asleep in your arms
Just knowing that you're there for me, makes me more secure in this world
My dreams are big enough for two
All I want in the world is you
I never want to drift apart
You're the only one with a key to my heart

5. When you tell me bye, I die
I cannot stop thinking about you
My thoughts belong to you
My only wish is to be with you
No one else can evoke these feelings
You are the missing link in my chain of sanity
Without you I would cry my life away
Please, stay with me forever

6. Shadows encircle me
Clouding my vision
Distorting my thoughts
Hate, is my master
Pain, is my ally
Sleep, is my only escape
Blood, is my weapon
Death, is my life gate
Evil, is my father
Satan, is my mentor
Hell, is my sanctuary
Love, is my enemy
Chess, is my game
I make thunder tame
Kings, are my pawns
Pogo the clown is dead
His soul is trying to get in my head

7. Shadows in-prison me
Holding my mind in place
Creating a storm within my mind
This is because of YOU!
Why have you forsaken me?
Forsaken in your eyes
Forsaken in your heart
Forsaken in your soul
Is it because of the way I act?
Or the way I talk?
Or is it my self-righteous suicide?
I cry when angels deserve to die
Put on some makeup
‘Cuz you wanted to
WAKEUP
Because I wanted you to
I’m bound for eternity
Because of you
Why have you forsaken me?
This is why I talk about self-righteous suicide

8. Death blooms
When you look in my eyes
Does it scare you?
Death fuels my life
Hate pumps my heart
Fear fills my veins
Evil moves my muscles
Satan teaches me your faults
I use them to break you
When you fall, I push you harder
Do you like how it feels?
Grovel before me
Kiss my feet
Or I will torment your soul for an eternity

9. The flag was raised, white in hue
The haze from battle distorted the view
So long it was since peace did reign
Ideals and naivete lie strewn and slain
The victor decided, the spoils received
The leader once certain only deceived
The figures tallied of lives now lost
The death of soul an exacted cost

10. Angels are in chains
When you invoke my wrath
This war will never end
Death is my life
Yet death is your end
The fire of my hate burns your soul
Soon, you will be mine

11. Knowledge is power
I know every fault of every situation
Your bravery
Shall be my sermon
Bow to me
Or feel my tendrils of despair
As they murder your soul and being
Feel eternal pain
Feel MY pain,
As I caress your body
Feel my mind,
As I smite your consciousness
Kneel to your king,
The Angel of Death
For you will feel NO mercy shall you resist

12. The love of my life has eyes of blue
Her love is like an arrow, straight and true
Whenever we part, my heart shatters like glass
It all happens in a flash
My veins pump adrenaline at the sound of her voice
To dance for life is her choice
I would give anything to sit with her
I would eat fire to dance with her

13. Her hands caress the threads of my life
She is my meaning for life
Her hands clap the beat of my heart
Her lips are sweet and tart
Her anger is my vengeance
My hate is her shield
She blooms harmony where she steps
I bloom death where I step
She is the chink in my armor
Her love is my weakness
When tears drop from my eyes
She soaks them up in her shawl of ecstasy
To later wipe my face clean of blood

14. As the battle wakes
An angel walks among the dead
Gently kneeling to give sorrow to each man
As the soldiers lay eyes upon the young angel
They lay down their weapons
Slowly kneeling to praise the angel of death
She walks to me
Raising her icy glaze to stare at my burnished eyes
A grim grin spreads along her lips
She raises her hand, and a cold black sword solidifies in her hand
I come to one knee, lowering my head in defeat
As her sword comes to my shoulder, I close my eyes
Death is near
The angel of death brings the sword up, and touches my other shoulder
Raise my servant, she says
As I raise, she hands the sword to me hilt first
You are now my word of prophecy, and my fist of justice

15. My veins are filled with the tainted oil of hell
My mind was wrought from the heart of Satan's soul
His essence fills my thoughts
God, is my opposition
Love, is our war
Hate, is my weapon
My love for one woman used against me
My closest friends are my sworn enemies
Life is her sanctuary
Death is my place of power
How can love survive with a war at hand?

16. The search for the "Understander" draws to a close
Day by day, it begins to thicken
Will it solidify?
Why would she want to understand me?
What is she really after?
Every second these questions rack my mind
Millions try, but never succeed
Will this be the exception?
Could she be the missing link in the chain of my soul?
Hours pass like seconds in the company of her being

17. The skull is broken
The curse is lifted
Is it permanent?
Or shall the skull reform
Only time can tell
Only love can break the pieces of hate into bits of dust
My life is on contract

18. Future has no road
Hate has taken away goals
Family has distorted mental input
Love has adjusted the output
Torment has broken the mirror
War has lifted the soul
Friends have killed the heart
Death has given an offer
I have accepted death

19. Without her, my life is through
If only she would tell me our love is true
Her eyes are filled with lust
My emotions break like crust
Do we have any trust?
She stabs me in the back
Her heart is cold and black

20. Shadows race from my fingertips
Slowly entwining the love of my life
My enemies are at the gates
My minions are being slaughtered
Love has but only a few seconds of life
We shall meet again
Death, is my birthplace
Hell, is my home
My love shall win but only once
My forked tongue is a whip
Slashing and biting
Engraving my mark upon your soul
Only the forgiveness of God shall release your soul
Plead
Perhaps mercy will reveal itself in the oddest places
Grovel
Mercy is not a right

21. Never be
Never see
But I see what I deserve
Never free
Never me
So I take the unforgiven
This fighting cannot win
This war cannot last
But I continue anyway
Black of day
White of night
We see by candlelight
Lay beside me
Will you be there when I’m gone?
Watch me as I go
Will you give the stone of love the last throw?


22. Another star clouds my vision
Blocking the angel walking my path
Our eyes connect
She’s my dream
Sad but true


23. You
You’re my pain
My everyday pain
You
You’re my cause
My cause for death

24. I’m your nightmare
The kind that you never share
The angel that makes you wash your hair
Make me real
Make it real
Bring me your testimony
Your execution commences
So close, no matter how far
Forever trusting
Trust I see
Never wanting to speak
Afraid of the crow’s beak
Pecking
Pecking your soul
Eating
Eating your eyes
Washing
Washing in your blood
Your blood
Your blood of sorrow

25. I have lost my will to live
Simply nothing left to give
Life seems to drift away
Getting farther everyday
There is nothing here for me
The need for death is to be
Emptiness is filling me
God just let me be
No one to save my soul
It’s too late
That’s right
Too late for repentance
Evil has run its course
Making my throat hoarse
The sweet taste of death is near
If only I could shed a tear

26. Tell me what I’ve done
Make my demons run
My mind is locked
Open it with the truth
Do you understand me?
I understand you
My heart lies under wicked skies
Your voice makes me cry
I’m sick and tired of standing alone
Can’t you be the one?
The moon shines on our souls
Our blood fills Satan’s bowls
The door is open
Shall we enter?

27. Gone insane
Hell’s bane
Cerberus is tame
Your eyes are filled with shame
God and Lucifer play an evil game
Death always gets fame
Live is vain
Our memories won’t remain
There is still tomorrow

28. Say yes
At least say hello
Your emotions are shallow
My life is tainted with tallow
Are you satisfied?
You think you’ll make me pacified
All the things you say
They’ll never make me pray
I’m still waiting
Waiting for my day

29. Do you hypnotize?
Do you have the strength to look into my eyes?
I make angels cry
I will never die
My mind is ever shy
You matter like a fly
Can’t you just die?
You’ll never be by my side
At least I can say that I tried

30. Suffocation is my memory
Never having a voice
Having to fight to live
Barely escaping with my life
Can’t close my eyes
Life ends in nightmares
Death rides a stallion
Hell is bringing a battalion
Freedom is not my right
It is your savior

31. Tempting is death
Brushing my soul with its sweetness
Caressing my heart with its hatred
Murmuring to my mind about its abuse
Destroying my body with its evil
Eating my being with its corruption
Selling my consciousness to the Devil

32. Throw the bodies to the floor
And the gates of paradise will open
Feel remorse
And you shall be defeated
Feel hatred run your veins
And you shall be victorious
Allow death to take your soul
And you shall be immortal



33. I embrace death
I enjoy pain
I deceive torture
I commiserate with the devil
I succumb to love
I twist hate
I procure holocaust
I defile life
I shred the threads of consciousness
I walk amongst the dead
I run through your dreams

34. Cradle sin
Push the pins deeper in
Cut the skin
Let the blood begin to run
It’ll be a while before we’re done
Feel the pain
Let it run its course
Bite your tongue
Let the sweet taste fill your mouth
Don’t look in the mirror
Your eyes are filled with fear
My cheeks are running with tears
Start the water
Wash away the dirt
Let your mind fill with my hurt
Your blood soaks my shirt

35. My eyes are distant and faint
Can you feel evil’s taint?
My soul is black and faded
Can you see me jaded?
My heart lies when I see you
Do you have any clue?
My trust in you has been twisted around
Can you keep my mind sound?

 

[terzarima]

(Ademis hopes the [*me] tag is finally working again)

[me] Claps and wipes a tear from his eye [/me]

Wow, that was sullen and depressing, but man, that was great !!(Poetry wise of course) Verse number 9 is amazing!! It doesn't matter that it rhymes but wow, profound. Where do you come up with this stuff? You seem to be super deppressed, but I won't ask any questions, that's personal stuff. Anyway, I was just about to say something about the lack of good poetry on the CPA

 

[DÛke]

...yes, I confess...they were good. Good job Riva!

Ademis, when you're depressed, you'll be surprised on how much you can write about. You really do explore the dark side of your soul...all of it...and it doesn't feel good at all, but you know what? Once you live...you gain amazing spiritual strength, greater mental capacity to tolerate things so emotionally and spiritually impactful, and you get to be wiser.

Here's something I wrote about a month ago:

Far Away...

Here in my own prison I'm trapped
Dreaming of the days when I'll be free
With a pencil in my hand
A piece of paper
A mind full of thoughts
Headaches that never go away
In a ray of light I sit
Darkness is my day
No one to talk to
I write these words
Words that can never express what I feel
Not the tears, pains, and dreams
I pour my heart out on a paper
Spoiled by drops of my broken tears
And no matter how hard I try
To escape what I truly feel
I never can help but to run back to myself again
Again I fall into my agony
Again I prey
Life, take me far, far away. . .

Losin' It...

I'm losin' my thoughts...yeah, I'm losin' my mind!
Sinkin' into a hell that is mine
Going far down into a realm of unknown
Nothing...no one to hold on to...all alone
Everything around me is made of darkness
There's nothing I can see
Nothing I can do...no one understands me
I'm losin' my faith...yes, I'm losin' all my hope
For so long I've coped
But now I'm losin' my thoughts...even losin' my mind
On top of this builidng I stand
Smell the same ol'lonly air
Lights of the city shine so bright
But only pain and darkness out there
Nothing...no one to hold on to
Nothing I can say...nothing at all I can do
I'm losin' my thoughts...now I'm losin' my sanity
Down below I'll go...maybe there's release
Away from this pain...this life
I need peace...JUST give me peace!

...there were times when I felt so low that I was so alone. I become very anti-social...and was very depressed for months. Thoughts of suicide become common in my mind...and my nightmares never said good-bye. Eh. I past through those hard times...I'm more powerful than ever...but I am still going through, I guess, phase 2 of my nostalgic depression...

Yeah, yeah...but I'm feelin' alright.

[This post is for you Spiderman. ]

 

[terzarima]

Hey DÜke,

For some reason you remind me of the Marquis de Sade, ever heard of him?

 

[MrXarvox]

ah! depressed poetry!

Here is one I wrote a little less than a year ago, before I met Theri:


Null

There are crystals of ice on my wings
And they are heavy and cumbersome.
The cold burns like fire
There is a void
A nothing
Only imagined
By my frozen soul
That which is known to me
Only through fantasy.
It is the subject of constant dreaming
That which is distracting
And the ice weights me down.
I imagine, free of this prison
This depth of chill
What grand power!
What life!
Yet the glistening dendrites
Make their way into my eyes
And as if it did not hurt enough
I try to cry, but my tears are frozen too
It is a wall of crystal
I must confess its beauty
Most exquisite, the sensation
Of being frozen beyond the death of the body
It is only illusion that grants me livelihood
Only illusion
That keeps the lightning from my eyes
The illusion
That cannot be denied
It is the void in my heart
It is the nothing in my arms
So many speak
But speech is null
I am still frozen
Despite their excuses.

 

[Killer Joe]

RI-G: You live in Monterey? As in the Monterey Peninsula? As in Carmel, Seaside and Marina?
If so, you live in the most beautiful site on earth! The sun shines like 300 days out of the year without a cloud in the sky. The temperture averages around 75 degrees and breezy (except in the summer when it drops about 10 degrees).
I used to be in the Army and stationed at Fort Ord, and, man, did we have a good time! I used to go to the Jack in the Box, down from the mall, as often as I could, I would drive down to the shore to hear and see those stupid seals bark endlessly.
Big Sur is just about the end of the earth (actually , you could probably see the end of the earth from there ). I once was told that it's the biggest vertical land mass that meets any ocean (yeah, it's steep!).
I cannot make an informed comment on your depression, but I know it's not because of the place where you live.
Now Salinas, that place is a dump!

 

[Cateran Emperor]

Wow, you really are depressed.

Me, I'm too positive to look at that sort of thing. Good poetry, I think, but then I'm not the one to be asking about that.

 

[Apollo]

Monterey! I was just there a few weeks ago! I could've looked you up...

 

[arhar]

I can't believe I'm the first one to point that out. The first five lines are from Metallica's song "One", and I didn't bother to read further. RIP-OFF!!!!!

 

[Killer Joe]

"How do you really feel?"
Take this quiz to help you deciedc whether your moods are a result of depression or bipolar disorder.
Check off the feelings that fit you now or have have fit you in the past:

• I feel sad or irritable a lot, and it doesn't go away.
• I feel guilty; I have no confidence.
• I feel that I am a failure or let my family down.
• I lose interest in hobbies such as music or sports. Most of the time, I would rather be alone.
• I often feel restless or tired.
• I have trouble concentrating on things such as homework or watching TV.
• I have trouble sleeping, or sleep too much.
• My appetite is increased or decreased.
• I get unrealistic ideas about the great things I'm going to do.
• My thoughts race. I can't slow my mind down.
• I often think about death. Thoughts about suicide pop into my mind.

If you have (or have had) four or more of these feelings, and if they last longer than two weeks, you may have depression or bipolar disorder. You should seek help from a doctor.
If you checked any of the last three boxes (bullets), ask for help immediately from your parents, another adult, friend, teacher, clergy member or school counsler. It might be hard to tell someone you trust what's on your mind, but it's important.

Source: National Depressive and Manic-Depressive Association.
-Valley News Dispatch 8/21/01

On a lighter note: Apollo, where'd you go in Monterey? The Aquarium there is the same place that Star Trek IV was filmed, of course, there was some filming trickery at hand because that could never hold whales, arrrrrrrgh.

 

[Gizmo]

Well I checked at least half of those boxes, and I`m one of the happiest people I know. Those things are just total BS.

 

[Killer Joe]

What about that whole "I'm quitting Magic etc..." rant you went on a while ago?
j/k "G".
I didn't make up that article, I just typed it right from the newspaper.
When I was a "teen-ager" (the focus of the whole article), I wouldn't have checked any of those, I was so gawd-dang busy with Drum & Bugle Corps, I couldn't fit depression into my schedule. And try, just try being a Mexican-American, growing up in an "old country" Polish/Steel Worker neighborhood, now THAT'S depressing!

 

[Riva Iron-Grip]

actually arhar. i wrote that poem about 1-2 years ago. and it was how i felt, so i wrote it down. and ur right. that one is. but the rest are my inner secrets.

i'm fighting with myself. and these are the end products. did you know that? well, haha. they are.

i have something to tell everyone. on monday, i tried to committ suicide. but i couldnt cuz my ma came home

 

[DÛke]

...dude, you seem to be goin' through a lot of phases that I myself went through...believe me bro, I know exactly what you might be feelin'. However, get this...you really do become spiritually powerful when you surpass these phases man...really...and you know what? People like you are rare, believe me. The people I've encountered, also the professors in college...they really think my mental age is really old for my actual age...and although it took me many tears about my lost memories to gain this spirituaility, I'm really proud of myself.

Riva, if you can survive it, you'll live to tell about it...and you know what? You'll be surprised how your view of the world around you will change because of these experiences...all for the better. Believe me man, just don't do anything crazy, and keep copin'...you'll live...and you'll thank yourself.

Ademis, yes, I know who Sade is...but I quite miss where I resemble him. You may wanna elaborate that for me, but I must say beforehand, I take it as a compliment.

Here are some more of my songs, which are the result from the long-period, still-lasting nostalgic depression:

Away From It All

For once in my life, I'd like to get away from it all
Embrace my spirit in a space of emptiness
Recapture a lost voice...hear the silence
Sleep into my dreams
See things in ways I've never seen
Get in touch with life
Break free from whatever that's holding me back...

For a single moment, I'd like to be all alone
The only thing I want to see is my own soul
The one thing I want to hear is my thoughts
Playing over and over again right before my mind
I want to search my inside...
I want to find what lies beneath my skin
Explore my spirit within...touch my reflection...

For just once, I'd like to get away from it all...

 

[Riva Iron-Grip]

very nice bro. i have become spiritual, but not in a god and religion kind of thing. it's hard to explain. and what do you mean by rare? wellz, lata my homey. and that is a very good sone there. lata

thomas

 

[Dementia]

I am sure if I was a more creative person I would have some depressed poetry to add here as well, but I am not so I won't.

[is trying not to be condesending but is not succeding very well]How old are you Riva? I am 20 now. When I was 16 or so I was in a state much like yours. Now, my life hasn't increased greatly since then, but I am a lot less depressed then I used to be. Maybe it's an age thing you'll grow out of[is trying not to be condesending but is not succeding very well/]

If me and Duke can make it so can you Riva. As Duke said, things will get better

And then they will get worse....then better again...then worse.....

Life is ups and downs. The ups are to make life worth living and the downs are to make the ups seem even better when they happen.

 

[terzarima]

Well DÜke,

Maybe its that whole sex and lust phase you had I think its the seclusion and seperation you seem to express in your poems and writing seems to releive you of your 'tensions' should I say. The Marquis wrote when he was in a mental institute (or prison, I can't remember), he also started the whole sadism aspect of sexuality. So, that's how I link the two of you together.

Andrew

 

[DÛke]

...interesting points of view, Ademis. My "sex and lust" phase isn't over, and I believe it's more than just a phase: no matter how wrong it is...it's probably burned in my personality now, so I'll live with it.

Riva, you're "rare" because not many people get to experience the darkside of themselves. Every person has a darkside...in which all kind of sinful, malicious thoughts may take place. The experience of this darkside is really painful...emotionally and spiritually. I once really liked crime...the thoughts of murder seemed so normal to me, that I really wanted to try and see what it feels like killing a person with my own hands, and letting their blood run all over my hands...it's dark curiosity. Like I said before, thoughts of suicide never became a stranger...my life was so terrible. The worst thing, however, is I got to know myself...and that's not always good. I did find out many things I dislike about myself...but I also found the side of me that I never have known before...my loving, and caring side. For a long period of time, I really didn't think I had a heart...but after my experience...I really got know myself better...and it's a gift that you know yourself this good...because I've met all kinda people, and they didn't look deep enough into themselves. You're rare because you're on the verge of discovering your true inner self...your true feelings...and you're seeing things in a persepective you may have never seen before...that's all good. It makes you a more open-minded person, and more social, even.

 

[Riva Iron-Grip]

i'm 16.

duke: yeah. well, i personally enjoy the darkside. sometimes, just being by myself is the best way for me to get rid of some of hte things that i'm feeling ya know? i write my poetry so that i dont kill someone. and actually, i have thought many many times of becoming a serial killer. i would do such a good job. it would be hard to catch me, since i already live 2 lives. i live my darkself, which is me when i'm alone in my room or while im sleeping. and my other self is the me that i show ppl. the happy,handsome guy, who everyone thinx needs to be an actor. but i dont like the happy guy. i'm only happy when i'm raving, but that's different. well, enough fo me. i'm going to go and post my rares. lata

thomas

 

[Turtlewax Joe]

I have some realy depressing girl poetry...and I checked yes to 7 of those boxes including the "thinks about suicide" one. But I link all of this back to me currently being an angry, desperate teen.

My depressing Girl Poetry:

Love Can Only End in Pain

A kiss...
you whisper in my ear
some sweet thing that I want to hear
you give your heart to me
I'm not to be trusted
so take your love to be
here's the key
the key to my heart
take it
take it
then decide if you want me
I love you
you love me
one more kiss for old times sake
do you remember when we skipped rocks by the lake
we sat on the train tracks
you said you love me
but now you see
you can't be with me
please
please look away
do you remember when we kissed in the hay
but thats not today
it's not a game
it's deadly serious
even though we were curious
I was delirious
I said hello
you said hi
now the only word I can think of is
goodbye

Tiamo

The wind whispers ti amo , ti amo softly in my ear
the cool breeze settles the yearning for she
the one
the one with the red satin dress and blue eyes
the one with the dark hair to whom my love belongs
the one for whom I long for
the one for whom my love has grone strong
the one
The wind whispers ti amo , ti amo softly in my ear

Bright Lights Girl

The bright light illuminates her face

the orange sreetlight reflects in a puddle she is standing in,
and makes it seem as if she is floating

a blue neon light flickers on her radiant features,
she steps closer

the bright light illuminates her face

she steps closer still,
and leans in

her hands in her back pockets,
her soft lips on mine,
it feels like magic

the bright light illuminates her face

I Mhave more but I can't find them now ...

T.J.