[Author's Note: This Quard's Corner was actually an Xmas-themed Multiplayer deck I created to amuse myself noting at the time that no one had ever printed up a Christmas deck and I wondered not only if it could be done, but how hysterical could I make it. It became a constant source of hysterical looks, double-takes and gut-wrenching laughter as not only opponents, but spectators were just ga-ga over the components of the deck, as well as the explanations. Why people would let me kill them or spare me just so they could see what funny card would come up next. Casual players and players with a sense of humor rock! Originally appeared in the Dec. 1998 edition of the Vault magazine]
Quard's Multiplayer Christmas Deck
Alrighty, so it's the holiday season and you want to build a multi-player Type I Christmas theme deck. The only problem is you don't want this one to suck, so what do you do? Well, you'll be all right as long as you use your imagination and are a little twisted
1 Shivan Dragon
3 Beasts of Bogardan
1 Goblin Snowman
2 Orcish Lumberjack
1 Wall of Fire
1 Wheel of Fortune
2 Autumn Willow
1 Centaur Archer
1 Ifh-Biff Efreet
1 Brown Ouphe
1 Fyndhorn Elves
1 Elvish Scout
1 Llanowar Elf
3 Tinder Wall
1 Ironroot Treefolk
1 Freyalise Charm
2 Worldly Tutor
1 Winter Blast
2 Keeper of Tresserhorn
2 War Chariot
1 Rod of Ruin
1 Candelabra of Tawnos
1 Icy Manipulator
1 Feldon's Cane
1 Winter Orb
1 Iron Star
1 Zuran Orb
4 Charcoal Diamond
1 Glacial Chasm
1 Mishra's Workshop
1 Ice Floe
10 Snow-covered Forest
10 Snow-covered Mountain
First, we need to understand one thing here, a jolly fat man in a rinky-dink sleigh being pulled by pretty little reindeer would have no chance of making it in the Magic world. What we need is a big bad Santa and some kick-butt reindeer pulling a mighty sleigh full of presents, mirth and attitude. With that said, I'd like to introduce you to:
Santa - The Keeper of Tresserhorn, a 6/6 behemoth. Nobody but nobody messes with the fat man.
Santa's sleigh - War Chariot.
And pulling Santa's sleigh we have:
Rudolph - Shivan Dragon, a 5/5 fryer...er...flyer. Rudolph doesn't want to play any reindeer games because he ate all the reindeer.
Comet - Fireball, of course. If there's any trouble, Comet clears a path so the sleigh always gets through.
Blitzen - Berserk. Anyone that messes with Blitzen never messes with anything again.
Cupid - Centaur Archer.
And the other beasts of burden pulling Santa's sleigh are The Beasts of Bogardan.
Now that we have Santa and his "reindeer", we need to find other crucial elements for our Christmas deck.
Mrs. Claus - Autumn Willow. Everyone loves Mrs. Claus and no one would ever dream of targeting...err...hurting her.
Jack Frost - Ifh-Biff Efreet. When Jack Frost is nipping, he never settles for just your nose.
The North Pole - Taiga. It's where Santa lives.
Santa's workshop - Mishra's Workshop. This is where the elves make all the goodies using a state-of-the-art assembly line. (You can also use Mishra's Factories if you don't have the Workshop)
Master Switch - Icy Manipulator. This switch turns off the assembly line in case of quality control problems.
To make sure all the boys and girls get what they want for Christmas, Santa uses the wisest of the Elves to go over his list - Worldly Tutors.
The chief toymaker in Santa's workshop is a Brown Ouphe. A Brown Ouphe has a special knack for dis-assembling and repairing broken toys.
The elves that make all the toys are Llanowar Elves, Fyndhorn Elves and since Santa believes in equality there are a few female Elvish Scouts around.
The actual pole stuck in the ground telling people they've arrived at the North Pole is a Rod of Ruin.
Beware trespassers, Santa's got an alarm system. Of course even if you manage to get around Santa's security system while wandering around the North Pole, there are some hazards you should be aware of such as: polar bears (Winter Orb) - people move a lot slower after a bear rips off their legs.
Chasms (Glacial Chasm) - you think you're stepping on solid ground when all of a sudden you fall to your not so pleasant demise in a hidden crevasse.
Even if you evade the bears and don't fall into a hole, you can still get stuck in the middle of a thawing river (Ice Floe).
Winter is a cold, harsh time and full of dangers. If you look at the snow when the sun's out you can go Snowblind. You can get pelted with hail falling from the sky (Stormbind); flying creatures can't fly because they can't see where they're going in all the blinding snow (Whiteout) and sometimes the Winter Blast is so strong creatures freeze solid and can't move.
Oh, and before we forget, let's not leave out the other Christmas trappings such as the Christmas tree. Not everyone in this Magic world picks out the same type of tree. The holy orders use a special tree gifted with purity and tremendous healing powers (Zuran Orb), while the elvish folk prefer a tree that gives more than it takes (Tinder Wall), especially if you move it too close to the fire. The folk that raise these special Christmas trees have changed over time to resemble their charge, growing leafy and strong (Ironroot Treefolk).
Orcish Lumberjacks cut dead trees into logs for the fire. The chimneys are all lit, warming home and hearth (Fire Wall) and all the trees are topped with the traditional Iron Star and candy canes (Feldon's Cane). On Christmas morning, all the children awaken from their beds and open their presents, their joy reflected in the ornaments and charms on their tree (Freyalise's Charm). Unless of course they were bad boys and girls. In this case all Santa left them was a lump of coal in their stockings (Charcoal Diamond).
Around Christmas time, some people in the world also celebrate other religious events, like Chanukah (Candelabra of Tawnos) for instance. And shortly after Christmas, all the people of the world wish for a happy new year (Wheel of Fortune).
In multi-player games I have found that a 60-card deck just doesn't cut it. When dealing with multi-player situations, the average deck size I use is around 65-80 cards (depending on the number of opponents). Besides, there was no way to pack all these Christmas related cards into a 60-card deck.
Now you'll note that I've managed to slip a few combos in this deck such as Icy Manipulator and Winter Orb (oh how appropriate). Also, let's not forget the massive damage you can deal with the Stormbind and Whiteout combo thanks to all the mana and snow-covered land this deck provides.
You'll have fun just naming what all the cards represent even if you don't get out these two combos. Oh, and remember to use Santa's Sleigh to get some trample damage through if your opponent blocks your bigger creatures with his smaller ones.
Hoping you all have Happy Holidays and Happy New Year!
This article was put together for your reading pleasure by Vincent B. Navarino (aka Quard on IRC:#mtg) and his imaginary trained typing Ferret, Ferratio. Vincent considers himself quite the humorist and can regularly be spotted late at night on IRC:#mtg(EFNet) tormenting the people there with his rantings. He'd also like to write Magic humor for the Duelist and someday might start submitting his articles to them, but is too afraid of rejection right now after not having a date in 3 years. If you'd like to talk with him, you can e-mail him at quardd@hotmailcom.
Warning: any hate mail will be forwarded to a neighbor he doesn't like.