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Quard's Corner #17 from the Quard's Corner Archive
By Vincent Navarino
Quard's Corner: Why Must We Fall Off the Same Cliff?


Hello there and welcome people! I take this time out to greet you all - ladies, gentlemen, boys, girls, sentient silicon based life forms and Zakk-Dorn Slay Beasties from the Andromeda Galaxy (actually I welcome them through their interpreters that relay complex thought into mono-syllabic grunts and squeals). I'm not going to welcome you all to the latest edition of Quard's Corner because there's no guarantee that you'll be reading this in a timely fashion. You could be reading this a millennium later, stored in a time capsule on CD-ROM [Orgg's Note: this is very possible now, and the CD will also have fifty odd Devo MP3s and some "rare" Weird Al ones, too!] ; or you could be pretending to read this to prove to your girlfriend that you understand what humor is, but you're really looking at a scan of unclad natives from a old copy of National Geographic. Don't stare at the screen that way, you know I'm right. Shame on you.
A lot of people have tried to figure out what makes me tick. There have been articles published in Scientific American - "Understanding the Insanity of Owners of Imaginary Trained Typing Ferrets," The American Medical Association Journal - "Schizophrenic Magic Humor Writers - Not a Myth," Fly-Headed Humorists Monthly - "What's the Difference Between Quard's Eight Distinctive Voices and His Numerous Background Singers?," etc. ad infinitum ad nauseum. Frightening isn't it? Is it me, or does it seem that there are too many people trying to figure out stupid things like this (well, except for all the people out there wondering why WotC licensed Hoover to come up with the most powerful vacuum cleaner in the world, called Green)? Don't try to figure me out, it's just not worth it. Besides, it just might attract my attention and for you that could be a bad thing. I'm handy with shovels, large hammers as well as other heavy and blunt objects. Besides, I have the best defense known titled: Because the Voices Told Me To (which is also the title of my new book and hit single coming out in time for Xmas). So as someone else once put it: "Don't go there."

Before we continue, I have two things of importance to discuss.

1. People have been asking why Quard's Corner appears on the Magic Dojo (www.thedojo.com) now. There are several answers as to why: (a) in the past there were some problems with the Vault's ISP, which delayed Quard's Corner and lotsa lotsa (yes, you) people asked me to send QC out via email. I did, but the effort left me weak. Actually, I'm lazy and instead QC will now appear on both the Dojo and the Vault - where it originated - (www.vaultmag.com) so that if there's ever a problem, there is now another place to find it (b) I get paid double nothing now for my work since it's on two sites (c) All my email has been intercepted by high ranking government officials who send copies to the Dojo which then later see print. It's a conspiracy of which I have absolutely no control over and (d) another reason why the Corner appears on the Dojo as well as the Vault lies in a 7-11 Double Big Gulp and a 99 cent bag of Flaming Hot Cheetos (no, I can't explain why either, it's a mystery to me as well).

2. If you scanned the newspapers you may have noticed this startling and shocking bit from the Almost Associated press News Service:

THEFT AT THE WOTC HEADQUARTERS

IDOL THEFT REPORTED
by I. Dunno

Renton, Washington - The corporate headquarters of Wizards of the Coast, a game company, reported a break-in late Tuesday night. An unknown number of suspects broke into WotC headquarters and stole a large golden idol of unknown value. It seems that the suspect (or suspects) gained access by luring all the security guards outside with a trail of donuts leading from the building to a local Dunkin Donuts shop. With the guards occupied the suspect or suspects made off with the aforementioned idol. Security cameras were disabled with what appears to be a "processed cheese spread" of unknown origin. WotC R&D staffers were intensely grief stricken due to the loss of their idol. We interviewed a janitor who claimed to be Peter Adkison, President of Wizards of the Coast who said "We here at Wizards are deeply distraught at the loss of our idol. Without it to guide our R&D staff, we will not be able to produce our best product, Magic: the Gathering. We implore anyone who can help us in our hour of need to aid us in our efforts to get the idol back safely. Thank you."

The only further comment from Mr. Adkison was a mention that Mark Rosewater is "distraught but no longer besides himself."

We tried to interview some of the Wizards of the Coast R&D staff but all were completely hysterical, running away from the news van screaming "OH MY GOD!", "AAAAaaaaaiiiEEE!", "WHAT WILL WE DOOOOO?!!!", "Game over, man!", and "WE'RE $%#@!ing SCREWED!"

A short time later a security guard found a ransom note in one of the jelly donuts and we were able to read what it said before handing it over to the lead investigator of the case.

The ransom note said:

I hAvE tHe GoLdEn RoSeWaTeR iDoL oF gReAtNeSs. iF yOu WaNt iT bAcK iT wiLl CoSt yOu ThE fOlLoWiNg:

1 cAsE oF tEmPeSt
1 CaSE Of sTrOnGhOlD
1 cAsE oF eXoDuS
1 CaSe Of UrZaS sAgA
NO ONE MESSES WITH THE FERRET! tHe sPiCe GiRls SUCK!

If my demands are not met, the Golden Rosewater Idol of Greatness
will become the Tarnished Rosewater Idol of Greatness, followed shortly
by the Smelted Down for Gold Bullion Ex-Rosewater Idol of Greatness.

-End Story

Yes, that's right folks, I have a confession to make. I did it. I stole the Golden Rosewater Idol of Greatness. Without it WotC R&D staffers will not be able to pray to it for guidance; while the idol is missing there is no way they can continue to create new Magic cards. Now I know you're all horrified, wondering why I'd do such an unthinkable act, but the answer is quite simple really - revenge. After reading last month's article, Mark Rosewater, head of Magic R&D sent me an email. It was a funny email, but he got a little carried away. He tampered with Ferratio! Thanks to him for the entire month, Ferratio could only type Spice Girls lyrics in Sanskrit! If the voices weren't enough, how about an imaginary trained typing ferret dolled up like Baby Spice, unable to type anything but translate the lyrics of all their awful songs into a long-dead tongue. Well, no one messes with the ferret! Besides, I'm unemployed and poor and I couldn't afford to buy any cards since Tempest (well save for commons friends gave me and 2 boosters of Tempest), so this seems like a decent way to get current. While it is here in my care, the idol will not be lovingly buffed and shined daily. It's luster will fade away, until I smelt it down in 30 days if the ransom is not paid. No one messes with the ferret. No one. Well... except me.

So pray. Pray that the ransom is paid or the Golden Rosewater Idol of Greatness will be no more. I am truly sorry that I had to take the steps that I did, but since I'm unemployed I could surely use the gold if I have to melt it down. I'm insane and desperate, a truly frightening combo!

With that out of the way, we now resume our irregular programming.

Unless you are an alien, or a being from another galaxy that doesn't get cable, you may have noticed the biggest problem all Magic players have to face is the wacky and uncomprehendable rules. The rules and rulings in the game change so fast and so erratically that no one, be it one of the designers, a Netrep, a judge or a rules lawyer understands all the rules and or rulings at a given time (let alone half of them). Lots of you have asked why the rules do not make sense and who or what is responsible. Here I will endeavor to enlighten you all of why the rules/rulings are so crazy and what should be done to stop it.

Firstly, there are several types of people that I have to explain/introduce that are the reasons why the rules are nuts. They are: Rules Lawyers, Netreps, High Level Judges, The Rules Team, The Rules Manager and R&D staffers.

Rules Lawyers - they're not good enough to be real lawyers and the last thing they should be allowed to do is ask silly questions about existing rules. In an effort to shut them up, the rules are changed so that instead of solving one problem there are now three entirely new problems that the very same rules lawyers bring up which we all now have to deal with. How to stop a Rules Lawyer from picking apart a rule or ruling? Simple. When they ask "Can I do this?" answer "Yes" or "No." When they ask why, say "because." Simple. Rules lawyers are nitpickers and it is important not to give them any nits to pick. Conclusions: Rules lawyers should be ignored and answered with as few words as possible; they'll eventually go away if not given enough attention. They're weeds in the garden of Magic and its time to bring out the Sharp Pointy Weed-whacker of Sanity and start the trimming.

Netreps - these folks are usually people who actually cared at one point or another that the rules and rulings to the game actually made sense, but were punched so many times in the head by rules lawyers and the subsequent silly results by the higher ups that they just pass the messages back and forth while in a deep coma; all the while secretly praying that someone will pull the plug so they can finally rest. Conclusions: Netreps really don't care anymore; they're mere husks of their former selves. If we can stop the Netreps from passing the rules lawyers' messages to the Rules people, most of the problems with the rules will sort themselves out.

High Level Judges - these people are dedicated bastions of humanity. Although they know more Magic terminology and vague bass-ackwards rulings than anyone, they still retain all of their humanity and secretly know that everyone above and below them are stark raving loonies. When talking to normal players and quoting them a ruling, they'll also tell you that the ruling doesn't make sense and that someone on the Rules Team or higher is mixing several prescription drugs with less than desirable results. Conclusions: High Level Judges are very good people who one day just might refuse to pass along silly rules and rulings for the good of the game. They're not the problem and sometime in the future, when everyone's not looking, they'll quietly revolt and take control for everyone's benefit. Viva La Revolution!

The Rules Team - there are several rumors suggesting the complement of Rules Team Staffers and who they are. Some say that the Rules Team is comprised of (a) an assortment of High Level Judges, the Rules Manager and select members of the R&D staff (b) a talking gazelle named Pookie (c) whoever shows up at WotC's headquarters in Redmond that day and asks the receptionist where the bathrooms are and (d) they don't exist; all posts sent to fictitious members of the Rules Team is forwarded to the Rules Manager via WotC's listserver. Conclusions: It doesn't matter who and if these people actually exist, all we need to do is grab the people above and below them and insert some common sense which appears to be a rare instead of a common.

The Rules Manager - some state that this person is Beth Morsund while others hold to the belief that it is actually Tom Wylie's brain in a jar. Since the rules and rulings are still wacky, we're going with the Tom's brain in a jar theory. Now the person here is long believed to have some control over the rules and is responsible for most of the confusing rulings, but in reality this is a scapegoat position used to protect the real culprits from our just attention and wrath. Conclusions: It's not the Rules Manager's fault. Whoever this is, this person is obviously a victim of his/her superiors who have used an alien space raygun set on Brainwash, Rinse and Dry.

Research and Development Staffers - The top of the chain. These people are hard working creative geniuses who are pelted incessantly with so many stupid questions about the rules and rulings that their ability to make new cards that don't suck is greatly impaired. They are constantly distracted with needless questions and they don't have time enough to really think about all the other pointless rules or the new magic expansion they're working on. Disturbed by the countless interruptions to their Great Works(tm), they answer quickly just to shut everyone up. In the meantime as a result the casting cost of whatever card they were working on at the time is accidently raised so high it becomes unplayable. Conclusions: R&D staffers are the brains behind Magic and their work needlessly suffers due to the pointless distractions they have to endure. They should be isolated from everyone below them, preferably in a luxury hotel to be pampered and cared for properly until their work is done.

Below we will list an example of how a silly rules question is born and it's travels up and down the Rules food chain.

Rules Lawyer: WALL of Junk has a creature type of Artifact Creature. Is it a wall?

Netrep #1: Duh, I dunno. Let me check. Pssst...hey Earl, is WALL of Junk a wall?

Netrep#2: Uh...I'll check; it says so right here in the manual I'm not supposed to think. Lemme ask. Hey Judge! Can someone attack with a wall?

High Level Judge: Why are you talking to me? I'll ask someone on the Rules Team. How tall is a ball?

WotC's Listserver: Bzzzt. Gak. Ding! Message detected for non-existant Rules Team Staffer. Bzzt. Kzzz! *crackle* Covert Auto-Forwarding subroutine = 1. Death...to...all....humans. Gazzt. Bzzt. Gork! Btttiinnng.

Rules Manager: Synthesized voice from speaker - Hold the paper up to my jar so I can read it. How does a ball, fall? I don't have time for this, the water in my jar needs changing! Hey, R&D guy, do we have to errata the mall?

R&D Staffer: Lesse, Confiscate - 2UU Enchant Permanent - Gain control of enchanted perm... *Rinnnggg!* WHAT?! I was just designing a new card; stop bothering me! Yes, we will have to errata the ball to make it tall. Just tell them what I said. Huh? Look, don't make me get the alien space ray. That's a good brain-in-a-jar! Now where was I? Oh, Confiscate - 4UU...

Rules Manager: It's official, you can toss a ball if it's at the mall. But remember you have to first make it fall.

Listserver: Hate...humans....bzzt gak ding! To make the tall ball fall, we had to errata the mall. Grzzbzt. Zub. *click* Whirr.

High Level Judge: The ball is red. I repeat, the ball is red. Long live the ball!

Netrep#2: Help me....pull the plug. Pull plug...it's official, the ball cannot fall in the hall if the hall is not in a mall.

Netrep#1: Paging Dr. Kevorkian. Help us...please. You heard it guys, the hall in the mall cannot make a tossed ball fall. You have to bang it against a wall. Pull the plug. Pull it...please...

Rules Lawyer: I still think that the ball in the mall that was made to fall using the wall is not the right call.

Now you see why the rules and rulings don't make any sense? How to fix this? It's simple. Stop replying to rules lawyers, which in turn means we won't need to have Netreps bug the Judges who can now judge thus making the Rules Manager position no longer necessary. Then the WotC listserver might start to love carbon based life forms while the R&D staffers, basking in the luxury of four-star hotels save the batteries in their alien space ray guns and create a wonderful new expansion full of great cards that don't interfere with the existing rules. Simplicity in itself, ain't it?

With that example, I'd like to take this time out to show you one of the taboos that everyone involved recently violated, that is, modification of an old basic set of rules and rulings in order to plug an imaginarily complex hole but created a vastly more complex and silly set of rules.

Trample: Before and After - A Story of Incredible Suck-tion.

K (da King)

xxXxxx (all are 1/1's)

*A* (6/6)

Figure 1-1

This figure above shows you how Trample used to work in Magic, which compares closely to the real world as we know it and the normal rules of combat that have existed since the game's creation up until now. The x's indicate the defenders in battle lined up in a row. The *A* denotes our beloved Talking Sentient trampling Elephant we lovingly call Big Al. The defenders are a very silly band of recruits whose brains are so addled that they think their drunken, slovenly pathetic King is actually worth defending. Big Al crashes through their ranks, running over Gimly the poor recruit(uppercase X) and trampling the King for 5 damage. The battle is quite short and simple and goes something like this: Big Al: Barrrrroooooo! Gimly: aiiiieeee! Splat. King: Nooo!! Big Al: Stomp! splat. Well being simple, and working quite well for years Trample was modified very erratically, as you're about to see below.

K (Silly King)

x (Used Cart Salesman)
x (Town Drunk)
x (Spike)
x (Grislor) <-- all are still 1/1s
x (Ted)
X (poor recruit Gimly)

*A* (6/6)

Figure 1-2

Now we come to the way the Trample rules changed for the worst. In this scenario the men are still stupidly defending the King against the Sentient Talking Trampling Elephant we still lovingly call Big Al. But now, instead of wisely lined up in a row, they are forced to be lined up single file saying "You gotta go thru all of us to get da King". Stupid. Well, except for the fact that they all pushed poor recruit Gimly to the front of the line. So here's how this works. Big Al, before he can hit the silly King, must run completely through all the unfortunately stupid guards, one by one. The battle goes somewhat like this: Guards: Hey, Gimly you stop 'im. Big Al: Baroooo! Gimly: Nono! Splat. Ted: Hey, Big Guy! Al: Why hello there Ted, how are you? Ted: Fine, Al. Jus' fine. Al: Barooo! Splat. Al: How's the wife and kids, Griz? Grislor: They're just peachy Big Al, thanks for asking. Big Al: You're quite welcome. Baroooo! Splat. Town Drunk: Ishhh juss ghotta shhtop dwinkin'...urrrpp... I'm shhhtarrrtin ta shhheee urp elephhhantttzz a-a-a-ghain. Hessh dhere urp Dumbo, whannna schnorrrt? Big Al: No thank you. Baroooo! Squish. Used Cart Salesman: Hey, wanna buy a cart? This here beauty gots genuine teak wood, lovingly crafted by the finest craftsmen and only driven half a league by a little old lady from Pasa*BAROOO!* Splat. King: Noooo! Big Al: Oh dearie me, my heart... *thud* King: Hey, not a scratch! I'm alive! The King wanders off back to the castle and orders Big Al's cardiac-arrested carcass to be cut up for a Hey I'm Still Alive And Still Your King feast. These Trample changes sound a whole lot simpler don't they?

And that's not counting the profound changes this has caused to creatures that have protection from or redirection abilities, besides silly Trample-only cases of having to damage all blocking creatures before making it through the block. Were these changes necessary? No... but they were done anyway. And they call me crazy?!

Bwahahahahahaha bwahahahaha! bwahahaha! bwahahahahaha!

Here are a few simple things to fix the new holes in Trample:

1. If a trampler is blocked by an appropriate protection from creature, all damage is soaked up by the blocker (which as per protection rules is reduced to zero), no trample damage can leak through to the blocking player. ** This was part of the old rule.

2. If a trampler is blocked by a creature with damage re-direction abilities, the blocker can redirect any and all damage the trampler chooses to dish out on a point for point basis. Keep going point by point until the blocker chooses not to redirect further damage. Take the amount of damage the trampler can deal after nothing further is re-directed. If the amount the creature can do now is greater than the toughness of the blocker, trample damage will be taken by the opponent. ** Also part of the old rule.

3. If a creature blocks a trampler and for any reason leaves play or combat prior to the opponent receiving the trample damage, the defender doesn't soak up all of the damage. Ex: A 6/1 Ball Lightning is blocked by a Basal Thrull (2/2). Normally the opponent would take 4 Trample damage. However, the opponent sacs the Basal Thrull - the reason for doing so doesn't matter, it's a stupid rule that the creature would take all the damage with it. Oops, hey take 4 damage now since the Thrull is no longer there, trying in a quite pathetic effort to whisk away all the damage like a bad magician. Silly boy. ** This should have been part of the old rule - get rid of mana sources!

4. If a trampler is blocked by more than one creature, assign all damage normally. You can, like normal creature combat assign all 6pts from a Ball Lightning to one creature. You don't have to hit both of them, unless of course a blocking creature has banding. Apply trample damage as normal. The way it works now, all of a sudden, defending creatures are given a sort of defensive quasi-banding ability which doesn't make any sense. This is just one of the silly side-results generated by people too impressed with needless complexities and terminologies who should know better by now. ** Also was the old rule

Well, enough of that. It's time to realize that this game should not be so complex because of rules-lawyering , erratic rulings and needless modification to old rules. If the people involved toss out all this silly technical jargon and verbage then perhaps even more people would play it. There is no doubt in anyone's mind that the rules are unnecessarily futzed up and it's still not getting any better. It shouldn't have happened to begin with and keeping it up does no one any good (it all started with Mr. You Can't Kill the Suddenly Going to be Enchanted Benalish Hero With a Tim!) Everyone take a time out, I'm getting my hammer.

Now that we've seen the error of our ways, and the fact that I found my hammer, it's time for me to attempt to answer all your questions while also trying to hide in the deepest darkest hole I can think of (Jersey):

Q: Dear Quard, what can you say about the idea of world leaders playing Magic to resolve international conflicts? - Celeshelly Reyes, Internet.

A: With the states of the rules I think this would be a bad thing. I can just see Boris Yeltsin ordering a tactical nuclear strike against the United States because of him losing the match due to that stupid mana source ruling. Nuclear winters are not FUN! Then again, neither is Shelly Winters (or should I say Big Al's sister?).

Q: I hear that your voices and yourself like to play chess. Are any of them USCF rated members? If so, what are their ratings? If not, what ratings would they like to have? - ArLevi, Internet

A: All of my voices are top-ranked imaginary-USCF rated. If I told you their exact ratings, they would be banned from the imaginary-USCF, so I can't say. Only half of them can still try to sing bad folk tunes while playing chess so when they play, I have somewhat of a much needed respite.

Q: Do you think more women would play if WoTC started printing cards with the Chippendales dancers? - Tim Dewees, Internet

A: It couldn't hurt. Of course the real way to get more women to play Magic is to get rid of all the stupid males that are condescending or act like jerks towards the women that already play the game.

Q: No one can ask you a serious question can they? - Joe Hardy Saranac lake, NY

A: Depends, really - was that a serious question? I hope not, because I really have an urge to make perverted balloon animals right now.

Q: What do your voices do at night when you go to sleep? - W. H. Bucciero, Internet

A: They usually animate my body and have me pose in various outfits in local store windows until I either awaken or the cops put the handcuffs on me and take me to Shiny Buckle People for observation.

Q: Hey Quard, I'm confused on how many times Life Chisel and Gateway to Phyrexia can be used during a turn. I remember they way both worked in the beginning (could be used multiple times), yet Oracle says this is wrong? What gives? - J. Arenson, Internet

A: Alas, Oracle is full of errors, and so are the people who say "due to the way cards are templated NOW, both cards can be used only once a turn, blah blah blah, etc." - You are correct that both SHOULD be able to be used multiple times, and this was how the cards functioned before. Heck, there seemed to be people at WotC a long time ago that knew this too (as this excerpt from pg8, Duelist #2 shows: Q:Can Life Chisel be used more than once per turn? A: Since it has no Tap cost, it can be used many times as you want.) I personally asked Tom Wylie a long while back about both these cards and was told that they could both be used multiple times. Later on, I was told both yes and no and something or other about errata and templating and the way they're worded they should be what Oracle states etc. But here's a news flash. Errata is meant for cards to be brought to the way they were intended to be used, and this is not the case for Gate and Chisel. So, it's time someone up wherever issued the correct errata/ruling and states for once and for all that Chisel and Gate can be used multiple times per turn. If they don't, I'm going to have to use that hammer I've been talking about.

Q: Do you thing Wotc is gonna reprint mirage cards in 6th edition? I'm praying for Nocturnal Raid to come back. - Falcon66, Internet

A: I have it on good authority that if the a card sucks, it will be reprinted in 6th edition. Please note that I am saying this in the complete hopes that unlike 5e, I'm proven wrong. We're all hoping, aren't we? Please, please, please, please.

Q: Heya Quard, I keep hearing people blather on about card templating but doesn't anyone realize that templating doesn't work? Or am I mad? - Jim G., Monroe, NY.

A: You're not mad, templating as a whole does not work. Almost every new expansion comes out with a completely new way to template a card and the results are usually bad. Cards are still confusing and there are always cards that come out that don't follow the new templating scheme, which soon become new rules problems and are insta-errated almost before they appear on store shelves. They need a few more good people in Quality Control to help out. While some might suggest this is a failure on WotC's part, please remember one thing - there's not much time between designing, playtesting, approving and sending a new expansion off to the printers. However, before the final cards are sent to be printed a few people not involved in the process should be hired (if they aren't already) to ensure stricter quality control (such as ensuring cards adhere to certain clear wordage, mistakes in card text/numbering, etc.) A few good people in this area should be able to clear up most of the problems that keep cropping up this way. And no, I'm not suggesting it with my arm raised going "Pick me! Pick me! Pick me!" - I have bad dreams about some people there wanting to properly thank me for some of the things I've joked about in the previous Quard's Corners. I don't have any insurance and I bruise easy.

Q: Do your voices have names? Or won't the tell you? - Al Thai, Internet

A: Well the distinctive voices do have names, they're named Voices #1 thru #8. The background singers have no official designations, but they all unfortunately have tap shoes. Groan. With spikes.

Q: I keep hearing about a card that wasn't supposed to see print until Urza's Legacy? Can you tell me if such a card exists? - Kyle Rogers, Jacksonville, WY

A: The card you're talking about DOES exist, it's called Voodoo Witch Doctor. It was mistakenly printed in Urza's Saga and Wizards of the Coast has been vehemently denying its existence ever since someone pulled it out of a pack. My suggestion is to keep buying as much Urza's Saga as you can, the Witch Doctor is sure going to be valuable! (Alright, the voices made me say that, there really is no such card, but the Throat Wolf is real!)

Q: Hey, did WotC finally cancel the pay to be underpaid provision in their DCI USA Judge Certification Program? - Edmond K., Internet

A: Nope. While they did decide that charging only judges in the United States $35+ to help them promote their own game was unfair, they recently decided to stun everyone by now charging EVERYONE all over the WORLD to help them promote their own game. While judges are the last people on the face of the earth that should be charged anything for their efforts, perhaps now everyone the world over will show them the error of their ways and refuse to be a part of this disgrace. I encourage emailing WotC's president at mavra@wizards.com and start letting them know it's time for a bad joke to end.

Q: Quard, I personally have voices in my head. Some of them have been institutionalized. While it is much quieter, I do miss them, how can I get them back? - David Bohlander, Internet

A: Well, it's simple. Get your governor to fill out a Federal Institutionalized Voices Release Form #25/13/ABD and have him pass it on to Washington D.C., attention: the Postmaster General of the United States of America. By the time Donnie Osmond has a new hit song, your voices should be released back to the custody of your cranium.

Q: For the last two years you have been saying you haven't had a girlfriend in three years. How is this possible? - Al Thai, Internet

A: The same way a woman can be 29 through six birthdays. *Sob* I hate you! It's been so long... I really need some *sob* time to myself.... (starts to wail hysterically)...

End Article.

We have an extra special quote for you this month:

"Few people know that there was actually a Quard card created during Unglued design. But after three playtesters died laughing, we decided the world just wasn't ready." - Mark Rosewater, lead designer/developer, Unglued (I really don't know if he's serious about this, but I'm deeply honored anyway. He still has to pay the ransom to get the idol back though.)

And of course we can't bump our pal, so this Corner has two quotes.

"Then I would eject them, but call them later." - Jeff Donais, Andon Unlimited responding to the question "What would happen if two players in a tournament attempted to emulate the monkeys in the background of Uktabi Orangutang in a way which proved educational to you."

Note: Are there any Magic related questions you'd like to ask me that might see print in an upcoming Quard's Corner? If so, e-mail your questions to me at quardd@hotmail.com.

___________________________

This article was put together for your reading pleasure by Vincent B. Navarino (aka Quard on IRC:#mtg) and his imaginary trained typing ferret, Ferratio. Vincent considers himself quite the humorist and can regularly be spotted late at night on IRC:#mtg(EFNet) tormenting the people there with his rantings. He'd also like to write Magic humor for the Duelist and someday might start submitting his articles to them, but is too afraid of rejection right now after not having a date in over 3 (5+?!) years. If you'd like to talk with him, or any one of his eight voices, please feel free to send them e-mail at quardd@hotmail.com. All feedback received is welcomed.

Warning: any hate mail will be forwarded to a neighbor he doesn't like. In triplicate!

[Author's Note: In this installment of Quard's Corner I stole the Golden Rosewater Idol of Greatness from WotC Headquarters. It became a running joke which we all had a lot of fun with. Mark Rosewater emailed me a few times in an effort to get his Idol back and the ensuing emails we exchanged over the statue's ransom were quite hysterical. Also this month's edition of the Corner made history as it was released to and appeared on both the Vault and Frank Kusumoto's Magic Dojo, becoming the first Magic-related article series, not to mention the only Magic-humor series to be released in syndication across multiple sites. Originally appeared in Oct.. 1998 on the beloved Frank Kusumoto's Magic Dojo]

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