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Quard's Corner #11 from the Quard's Corner Archive
By Vincent Navarino
[Author's Note: After going thru all the Quard's Corner articles and adding these Author Notes, I noticed that in over 526k of pure text, there were only 9 spelling errors in the entire series. Nyah-nyah-nyah! Who's the Man?! Originally appeared in the Dec. 1997 issue of the Vault e-zine]


Quard's Corner: Trying to Shirk the Work
by Vincent Navarino

The end.
.
.
.
.
(Are you still here?)

>Yes.

(What are you waiting for?)

>The article.

(*sigh* I just knew putting "The end" right at the top of the article wasn't going to fool anyone.)

>Sorry.

(It's too late for that buster... now I guess you're waiting for me to entertain you?)

>Please do! We love your articles; they're funny!

(Is that the best you can do?)

>You should write for the Duelist!

(Much better, but I still need something more...)

> Uh... you're a comedic genius?

(Try again.)

>I've got $50 cash

Quard's Corner: WotC World Domination? Hmmm...

Well it looks like it's time again for another installment of Quard's Corner, a place where Magic and humor are forced to co-exist in relative lunacy at the whim of a fly-headed individual, his imaginary trained typing ferret and the eight distinctive voices in his head that constantly sing their own renditions of bad television theme songs. (Run! Run while you can!)

I don't know which is more amusing to me: (a) the fact that I've been writing Magic humor articles for a year now, (b) that despite my twisted ravings you people keep coming back (c) the surprising fact that I still haven't accomplished my goal of receiving hate mail or (d) the first two pages of Oracle (aka D'Angelo Lite). Oh well, enough reflection...it's time to pull out the Wacky-Laughter Box and type!

This month, with WotC buying companies and now holding the patent for trading card games, I thought it might be fun to attempt to predict events if Wizards of the Coast did in fact start taking over the world as we know it. [Well, it turns out that WOTC got bought by Hasbro AND some more Magic action figures are coming out, so maybe Quard can actually see into the future... - Spidey]With such talk going around I thought it'd be nice to tap into the people's fears and show you some of the things that could occur if they did indeed successfully take over the world:

Toys:

- Wizards of the Coast buys Mattel Toys. Hurloon Minotaur Barbie released soon after. The Ken doll now looks suspiciously like Richard Garfield.

- The Tom Wylie Voodoo Doll becomes the best selling doll of all time.

- G.I. Joe undergoes revision, now called G.I. Juzam.

- Kenner Toys comes out with the popular line of Wizards of the Coast R&D Action Figures featuring Mark "Mayhem" Rosewater, Charlie "Chuckling and Guffawing" Catino, Tom "They're Trying to Kill Me" Wylie, Skaff "Sooner is Better" Elias, Richard "I'm Not the Cat, I'm the Action Figure" Garfield, and Henry "I'm Not So" Stern.

- The Talking Tom Wylie Doll is introduced. Pull the string and hear Tom say "I am the rules", "Because I said so", "I never said that" and "That card has errata." (Much to the chagrin of purchasers, despite their demands, the doll is unbreakable and not flammable.)

Movies/Television/Entertainment:

- WotC purchases Steven Spielberg's Amblin Entertainment movie company. Spielberg produces the hit movie "Goblins" - A bunch of unintelligent, little red monsters invade Seattle, Washington and cause massive property damage while exploding at random and falling from the sky.

- After becoming the latest WotC acquisition, Paramount creates the newest Star Trek series titled Star Trek: Dominaria - join the crew of the U.S.S. Weatherlight; it's continuing mission to boldly grab the last marketing dollar out of a beleaguered franchise and run away at Warp speed.

- The popular game show, Wheel of Fortune is retooled. The wheel now stands upright; Pat and Vanna are forced to undergo plastic surgery to look like Phil and Dixie.

- Warner Brothers Pictures releases a special childrens movie about a boy who makes friends with a captive sea creature and his fight to release his aquatic friend back into the ocean that spawned him, called "Free Kukemsa Serpent." (At the end the serpent eats his whiny benefactor, much to the delight of the audience.)

- All of the Power Rangers are replaced with the Ersatz Gnomes. No one notices the change.

- WotC scarfs up Disney. Disney World is now called Dominaria World. The Epcott Center dome is redesigned to look like the sphere from the Unlimited Icy Manipulator art.

- A distant relative of Lewis Carroll tweaks Alice in Wonderland. The Cheshire Cat is renamed the Cheshire Atog. The Atog winds up eating Alice and the rest of the characters midway through the story.

Sports:

- ESPN is acquired by WotC and Magic is declared an intellectual sport by Marv Albert, Mike Tyson and Milli Vanilli.

- NFL Football Teams are bought by WotC and renamed The New York Foriys Giants, The Chicago Balduvian Hordes, Los Angeles Royal Assassins and the Pittsburgh Shivan Dragons.

- The best selling Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition of all time features the Female Elvish Ranger, Sorceress Queen and Serra Angel modeling WotC's new line of ultra-skimpy and translucent swimwear.

Life/Travel/etc.

- WotC buys up General Mills and introduces the Benalish line of breakfast cereals.

- The Washington Monument is sold to WotC who re-shapes it to look exactly like the Basalt Monolith. One day, while doing a night fly-by, a Zakk-Dorn Slay Beasties' spaceship accidentally knocks it over and it quickly becomes known as the Tapped Basalt Monolith.

- Wizards of the Coast introduces a new line of perfume - Ode de Pestilence.

- Big Ben in London is torn down and The Armageddon Clock is erected in it's place.

- The makers of the popular Chia Pets come out with three wonderful new versions: Chia Thallid, Fungusaur and Floral Spuzzem.

- MTV runs a new batch of Magic commercials. These ones tell people that now you don't even need a friend or a brain. [Orgg's Note: Actually, this is true-- they didn't.]

Well that sure sounds like a fun world, doesn't it? Hey, don't laugh any of these events could happen (after all Dan Quayle was Vice-President). Now in the spirit of the great sham psychics of today, I give to you...

...Quard's Hopefully Realistic Predictions for 1998:

The MTPA (aka The Not for Casual Players Organization) focuses on their most important issues yet - stamping out gingivitis, preventing tooth-decay and trying to figure out how to avoid really important issues without anyone becoming the wiser. (Too late!)

The Pro Tour is renamed the Wah-We-Want-More-Money-Whiny-Players' Tour.

Wizards comes out with the following lovely Magic merchandise:

Magic Underoos - Now little kids can proudly display pictures of all the sucky cards on their tushie, like Lion's Eye Diamond.

The official DCI Judge's Cane - made of solid oak this sucker is just the thing for all DCI certified Magic judges to enforce the rules with. A built-in cattle prod is just the thing for handling unruly players.

The Red Player's Microwave - only has one setting called Burn Baby Burn!

Animal crackers - shaped like many of the popular creatures from the Magic realm (Shivans, Hydras, Goblins, Orcs, Vampires and Unicorns.)

And now it's time for some questions from my e-mail audience:

Q: Do you really have 8 voices in your head? - Al Jansen, Chicago IL

A: Yeppers. Well, actually that's 8 distinctive voices, the others are background singers.

Q: Hey Quard, why is it that as soon as a new set gets released multiple cards receive instant errata, I mean didn't they playtest Tempest/new expansions anymore? - Jonesr, IRC #EFNet

A: Yes, but sadly the sole playtester for Tempest died while trying to deliver a pizza in under 30 minutes.

Q: Could you tell me what the Magic Ambassador program was all about? - Eric2, InterNet

A: The Magic Ambassador Program for Portal was quickly re-titled the Free T-Shirt and Italians Legend Pack Program by all who served. No one to this day really knows just what you were supposed to do with those Portal cards. (Psst... I got a Mana Drain outta my pack, woo!)

Q: Do you believe that an over-hyped, over-costed version of Time Walk is
worth $30 (close to half a box of boosters), days after after a set is released? - Matt, Usenet .magic.misc

A: Never trust a price guide when it lists any in-print card for more than $10. The fact is these guides get their prices from the very same rip-off artists that are charging such ridiculous prices for in-print cards. In other words, the people selling these cards to the unsuspecting and silly public are setting the prices, which the guides are so blindly quoting. It's like the jury in a murder trial asking the murderer if he killed someone and letting him go if he tells them he didn't do it. Hint: find people that know what a card is really worth - you can find these people simply by hearing their laughter when you tell them a Grinning Totem is worth $25.

Q: Quard, is there any way to tell if a person is a Type I or II player?

A: Sure and I've prepared a little word/card association test to help you out. Here's how it works, mention certain concepts to players and see what they say. Here's what to look for:

How to Identify a Type I or II Player via Word Association
Concept Named:.......... Type I Player........................ Type 2 Player

Charcoal Diamond:.......... Not a Mox Jet. ......................It's like a Mox! Cool!
Balduvian Horde: ............. Not a Juzam Djinn. ............. Guys! It's a Red Juam!
Lion's Eye Diamond: ...... Not a Black Lotus. .............. Oh my god, it's just like a Lotus!
Tom Wylie: ....................... Must Die! ............................... Must Die!
Diminishing Returns: ...... Not a Time Twister............... Hey, a Twister! Look, I gotta Twister!
Time Warp: ...................... Not a Time Walk. ................. It's a Time Walk!! Oh, my {deity}!
5th Edition: ........................Garbage! ................................ I'm gonna hurl man! This reeks!

(A special side note here about the Wylie jokes...if you think the rules would be better without Tom, you're crazier than I am.)

Q: Why is it that every time I finally snag a great card it's value mysteriously
drops? I once got a Two-headed Giant of Foryis, and the next day it went
down 50 bucks!! I don't mean to be paranoid <shifts eyes, moves closer to Quard>, but i think i'm being...watched. Those Wotc execs are getting angry Quard, angry. Tonight, when you go home, I've got three words for you: DON'T OPEN TEMPEST!!! I know why it was delayed. Wotc has grown tired of you, and they're plotting to <sips soda>, -to... <sways>....Quaaard!!!!! <falls down dead> - Hurloon115, InterNet

A: Uh...can we go to a commercial? I laughed so hard, I wet myself!

Quard's Semi-Serious and Not So Silly Sideboard

I am now taking this time now to address a few issues that keep rearing their wittle heads from time to time.

(1) Writing for other Magic websites or other e-zines - While I am flattered at all the requests for me and my Corner to pick up and move to someone else's site, I have no intention of ever leaving the Vault. Why leave the best Magic e-mag for something less? And if anyone else wants me to write some Magic humor for their Magic sites...tell me what you're willing to pay me and if the offer is good enough, I'll think about it. Quard's Corner stays here; this is where it all started and for that the publisher has my loyalty (and he just so happens to be holding my imaginary trained typing ferret hostage and I can't find another one.)

(2)Writing for the Duelist - I am truly humbled every time I get an email from you people telling me how you'd like to see me write Magic humor for the Duelist. I am more than happy enough to find out that my humor articles did their job by making you laugh, guffaw or rocket carbonated beverages out of your nostrils and I do this "job" because I love it and I write Quard's Corner here for free. Yes, yes, I would like to write Magic humor for the Duelist eventually, but you see I'm a tad on the crazy side (I'm sure this is a complete shock to all of you). I just feel like continuing my work here and if someone from the Duelist ever contacts me and says "Hey Quard, come aboard", I'd be more than happy to. Why apply? It'd be so much more fun if they asked me to do it then applying. (And with my fear of rejection after not having a date in three years, it's safer this way. The last time I was rejected, it was when they kicked me out of the Shiny Buckle People Institute. Lucky for me I got to keep that cool white jacket!)

(3) Mallomars. Someone actually emailed me and told be he had no idea what Mallomars were. The same person also bought all the reasons listed in the Duelist as to why almost all the good cards were removed from 4th Edition. Taxi!

The end.

(No, it's really The end this time. Go away.)

>I got $10 more...

(Look, it's really *REALLY* The End now. Will you get lost?!)

>Goodnight, son.

('Night Mom!)

Note: Are there any Magic related questions you'd like to ask me that might see print in an upcoming Quard's Corner in Vault? If so, e-mail your questions to me at quardd@hotmail.com.

_____________________

This article was put together for your reading pleasure by Vincent B. Navarino (aka Quard on IRC:#mtg) and his imaginary trained typing Ferret, Ferratio. Vincent considers himself quite the humorist and can regularly be spotted late at night on IRC:#mtg(EFNet) tormenting the people there with his rantings. He'd also like to write Magic humor for the Duelist and someday might start submitting his articles to them, but is too afraid of rejection right now after not having a date in over 3 years. If you'd like to talk with him please feel free to send him e-mail at quardd@hotmail.com. All feedback received is welcomed.

Warning: any hate mail will be forwarded to a neighbor he doesn't like.

Read More Articles by Vincent Navarino!

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