[Author's Note: Several animal rights activists have complained about Ferratio's diet of kittens dipped in Cheese-Wiz. After explaining it was either that or baby harp seals, they stopped protesting. Originally appeared in the August 1997 edition of the Vault e-zine]
Quard's Corner: How May I Help You?
Welcome one and all to the latest edition of Quard's Corner. I have heard from other writer's that the hardest part in writing an article or story is coming up with the opening line. Me, I just like to state the obvious. After all, to get here you had to click on that little line that says "Quard's Corner" and here I am welcoming you to what you just selected. Now I will continue with being obvious as I welcome you all to the end of the fifth sentence of the first paragraph of Quard's Corner. And if you think you were gypped then you're going to be really steamed when you realize this sentence has nothing of value in it either. Anyways, welcome to an area where Magic and humor co-exist with a fly-headed basement dwelling Magic enthusiast and his imaginary trained typing ferret that is forced to transcribe his blatherings or suffer the discomfort of listening to Polka music. Bad Polka music. Bad, bad Polka Music.
Q: Hey Quard, I keep hearing from people of all the cheaters on the Pro
Tour and that WotC doesn't give a [expletive deleted - rhymes with ham]
about catching cheaters. This sucks! Why are these [expletive deleted
- rhymes with gas-turds] allowed to cheat? - FedUp, Internet
A: Well it seems that WotC/DCI has finally had enough of this
controversy and have at long last acknowledged that they will be doing
something about this important and controversial issue. Rumor has it
that the Pro Tour will be renamed to the Professional Cheater's Tour and
this will eliminate the whole problem as far as WotC is concerned.
Q: Uh... isn't that going to create some problems, Quard? - FedUp, Internet
A: The only problem that I can think of besides the potential accuracy
of the new title is that the honest players, if caught not cheating,
won't be ejected or disqualified like the cheaters on the Pro Tour.
Q: I hear that after all these years the "Rules Team" has changed the
way damage prevention works and now if you Lightning bolt your own
creature the bolt winds up on top of the dead creature, instead of under
it. Are they %^$#@ kidding me or what? Who the hello are these people
on the "Rules Team"? - Derrick Sanderson Salt Lake City, Utah
A: Yes, before Lightning bolt landed under the creature and yes the
Rules Team changed it. Why? Rumor has it that for every silly rule the
team generates they get a bonus of $1. After their very first month,
surprisingly, all the team members became millionaires. As to who these
people are, popular opinion feels that they're whoever shows up at WotC
headquarters that day and asks the receptionist where the bathrooms are.
All this aside, I'm happy they changed this ruling because now my Rukh
Egg/Bolt/Bosium Strip deck rocks!
Q: I hear that the only way good cards like Mana Drain will ever be
re-printed is if the members of R&D (Research and Development) get hit
by a bus. This is so lame, what should we do? - Eileen Clifton, New Jersey
A: Rent a bus and see if the theory is sound. Players all over the
world will thank you.
Q: I keep hearing about this rule book called Oracle that contains lots
of things such as the latest card rulings, card re-wordings etc., and
that it will be given only to certified judges. This is ridiculous! I
mean, why shouldn't Oracle be accessible to the players too...what...the
judges are the only ones that deserve to know the rules? - DeathMaster, Internet
A: Well look at it this way, if only the judges know the rules all you
players out there can't play "Let's Stump the Judge" anymore now can
Q: Quard, is there anything you'd like to see in the Duelist? - Harve, Internet
A: Sure...a centerfold of Terese Nielsen's Elvish Ranger! Va-va-va-voom!
Q: What is the quickest time in which a Goblin Bomb has reportedly gone
off? - Tim Columbus, Ohio
A: Reports have it that the Goblin Bomb went off immediately on the
design board and that Mark Rosewater's eyebrows were singed in the
explosion. Look carefully in the next Duelist and you can see where
they magic-markered them in.
Q: What do you think about a dress code for magic tourneys, Quard? - Fred, Internet
A: I think it would be quite fun if all players wore dresses.
Q: Hey Quard, how do you know a card really really sucks? - Jason C., Macon Georgia
A: When Canticle, aka Jeff Franzmann, flatly refuses to use it in his
Single Card Strategies articles. I called Jeff up recently to find out
when we'd see his feature on Roc Hatchling but he hung up on me. I
called him back and offered a whole case of Labatt's Ice but he still
hung up on me. The restraining order his lawyers sent me came
yesterday. Another way to tell a card sucks is when someone says it
"plays great in sealed" and it's not a direct damage spell.
Q: Hey Quard-man, why don't you use cool magic terms like Beatdown,
FatMoti, Strong or da Bomb? - JK00L Denver, Colorado
A: Before I lose all english literary skills and start using terms like
that in an effort to sound cool for a bunch of McDonald's workers that
are living in their parent's houses, I'd sooner cut out my tongue and
nail it to my Oxford English Dictionary. Now shaddup and hand me my
Q: Yo Quard, when are we going to see more of Ferratio, that lovely
trained typing ferret of yours? - Jane Daronzio Flint, Michigan
A: You'll be happy to know that next month's Quard's Corner will feature
a centerfold displaying Ferratio is all his furry glory. He looks so
cute with the staple in his belly.
Q: What's the easiest way I can make sure that a judge is always
watching over my games in a tournament? - Rick Davidson Hartford Connecticut
A: Use an Illusionary Mask deck laced with Jolrael's Centaurs, Lurkers,
Deadly Insects and lots of Protection from whatever creatures. The
judge will have no choice but to stay and watch all your games in the
tournament (and he'd be so happy too).
Q: Can I sacrifice my opponent to my Lord of the Pit? - Rei Nakazawa, Internet
A: Yes, but first you need to tape the LoP to a wood chipper. You can
ask the judge for help heaving your opponent into it.
Q: Is it legal during my draw phase to get out the crayons and start
doing a rendition of a pony? After all, I am *drawing*. - Vincent Monroe, NY
A: As long as you don't take too long, go for it. There will be side
prizes at all sanctioned events for the best sketch artists.
Q: I just started playing tournaments and the veteran players keep
calling me a scrub. What's their problem? - Kyoko Takanara Osaka, Japan
A: They're just jealous because your knowledge of bathing has not been
displaced by hundreds of pages of rulings, errata and "Wylie said"
messages like theirs has.
Q: How many judges does it take to change a lightbulb? - Carl Butte, Montana
A: None. The DCI has banned all lightbulbs from tournament play because
they are broken (ba-roken for all you silly, weird people).
Q: What do I do if a voluptuous woman who is my opponent attempts to
bribe me into losing the match by pretending to be my outer clothing?
- Kyle Los Angelas, California
A: In the words of a chum of mine, *THE* Jeff Donais, when I asked him
the very same question he responded "Marry her." I feel the same way.
Q: I really want to get a set of the Power 9, but I can't afford the
$1,400+ to get them. Is there a better way? - Jason Sanford Shreveport, Louisianna
A: You'll be happy to know that I'm selling the Power 7 for only $125
(Power Sink, Power Surge, Drain Power, Power Artifact, Power Leak,
Urza's Power Plant and Disempower). Just send a money order in US funds
Q: What do you think people miss out of the most at a Magic tournament?
- George NYC
A: Fresh air *gasp* thanks to all the people out there that obviously
never heard of an invention called deodorant (or soap and water).
Q: Is Lotus Vale a good card? - Clueless, Internet
A: Yes, I encourage my opponents to play it so with one spell I can
destroy 3 of his lands. I also encourage people to play Roc Hatchling
decks so I know I'm safe for four turns. I can usually take a nap while playing
Q: Hey Quard, you seem to know a lot about what goes on in the Magic
world, hear about any new Tempest cards you can share with us? - Alex, San Diego CA
A: Why sure, after doing some digging here's a couple I found out about:
Lotus Whack 0
Sacrifice Lotus Whack, strike your opponent in the face
with a brick: Add three mana of any color displayed in
his bruises into your mana pool.
"Hey, I followed the instructions, don't blame me!"
Leigh There 2UUU
Summon Mollusc King 0/1
Gives all invertebrates +1/+1.
"If he had arms, he'd raise them in defiance."
Blood Sucking Rabid Dolphins 4UU
Summon Dolphins 4/4
0: Blood Sucking Rabid Dolphins gain Trample and
+X/+0 where X is equal to current power. Bury
Blood Sucking Rabid Dolphins at end of turn.
If during any turn a creature that Blood Sucking
Rabid Dolphins damaged goes to the graveyard,
Blood Sucking Rabid Dolphins gains a +2/+2
Cannot be countered when cast.
When Peace comes into play all players are filled with
Joy, Tranquility and Love for each other. Players
reset their life totals back to 20 and the game is
considered a victory for all. Meaningless competition
and strife are forgotten. Hug your opponent.
"And all in the land didst take up basket weaving and music
Circle of Protection: Pro Tour Players 1W
W: If opponent cheats, acts like a whiny cry-baby, tries
to use Jedi Mind Tricks during your match or behaves
in an unsportsmanlike manner, he/she is disqualified
from the tournament, placed on the DCI Banned list
for at least three years and you gain possession
of all his Magic Cards. Change opponent's diaper.
"Sportsmanship is paramount. Be nice or begone!"
Opponent loses XX life. Gain XX life.
"Who said there was no such thing as a FAST Vampire?"
The Neuterer 3BBB
Summon Castrator 5/4
If The Neuterer attacks and is not blocked instead of dealing
damage you may rip off your opponent's cahones with a pair
of rusty pliers.
"The Great Conjurers created him to ensure that the gene pool
of Dominia would not be tarnished with the weak."
Q: How do you find the time to write such a kick-ass column? - Will Rye, New Jersey
A: I'm unemployed, of course. Anyone know where a self-appointed Magic humorist can find a job?
Note: Are there any Magic related questions you'd like to ask me that might see print in an upcoming Quard's Corner in Vault? If so, e-mail your questions to me at email@example.com.
This article was put together for your reading pleasure by Vincent B. Navarino (aka Quard on IRC:#mtg) and his imaginary trained typing Ferret, Ferratio. Vincent considers himself quite the humorist and can regularly be spotted late at night on IRC:#mtg(EFNet) tormenting the people there with his rantings. He'd also like to write Magic humor for the Duelist and someday might start submitting his articles to them, but is too afraid of rejection right now after not having a date in over 3 years. If you'd like to talk with him please feel free to send him e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org. All feedback received is welcomed.
Warning: any hate mail will be forwarded to a neighbor he doesn't like.