[Author's Note: In some countries they actually
lock up their insane. Isn't it nice that they let me out on the weekends
here? If you hadn't noticed, I do have fun coming up with the unique
title of each Corner. Originally appeared in the May 1997 issue of the
Quard's Corner: A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Dominaria
Greetings everyone, I'm back from my month-long enforced siesta at the
Institute of the Shiny Buckle People (if you're confused, please read last
month's Quard's Corner as I don't remember a thing). The food was great,
the people wonderful and the bed was nice and comfy... although it would
have been a tad nicer if they undid the straps from time to time. They
even gave me that spiffy white jacket with all the buckles as a momento.
Sadly, they didn't let me bring home some of those weird Flintstone chewables.
Ferratio was very happy to see me and ran up my leg in his eagerness
to welcome me back home (ouch!). He was even happier when I cleaned and
re-filled his water bowl. By the way, I was touched by all the Don't Get
Well Cards; you're all much too kind for words.
Everyone but everyone (yes you) is talking about 5th Edition and judging
from all the Tylenol WotC's customer service is taking, lots of you people
are not happy with what they did. The local store owners are more than
a tad upset as veteran players and the newbies they're warning, avoid 5th
Edition like it's the plague. Retailers in my area are distressed at ordering
5th Edition only to hear their customers tell them how bad it is and pick
up 4th Edition packs instead. Perhaps 5th Edition is a covert effort on
WotC's part to clear out inventory and it's working as people who would
have spent their money on 5th are snatching up 4th instead. Rumor has it
that anyone spotted with 5th Edition cards is being taunted with cries
of "Where's the Royal?", "Hey got a Serra?" and "Where's your Moti, wuss?"
(Note: I absolutely refuse to abandon my remaining principle by calling
the Mahamoti Djinn by some infantile nickname like FatMoti. So there.)
For some bizarre reason Wizards of the Coast thought that no one would
notice the frontal lobotomy they gave 5th Edition as they took out many
of the good cards and put mostly compost filler (i.e. garbage) in their
place. Perhaps with the success of Alliances, Mirage and Visions they thought
they could afford to strip out many favored cards without putting an equal
number of good cards in. Maybe they thought no one would mind getting less
bang from their buck with the preponderance of rare cards that reek so
bad you'd hug a skunk for relief. Then again, they could be Zak-Dorn Slay
Beasties from the Andromeda Galaxy and there are things they cannot comprehend...like
if we spend money on packs we don't want crap like the FE Storage Lands,
Warp Artifact, Animate Wall, Caribou Range, Seraph (huck-ptuey!), Forget
and Ironclaw Curse taking up the @%*#$ rare slots! *Sigh* I really wish
I had some of those Flintstone chewables.
Well, with that off my chest let's go answer some of your questions
Q: Quard, I hear that WotC/DCI is thinking about making yet another
change to Type II, that of leaving expansion sets in for 2 maybe 3 years.
Why are they screwing with T2 again, do they have any clue as to what they're
doing making *ANOTHER* change???? - Justin H. NYC
A: Firstly, it's pretty clear to even people in a vegetative
state that WotC never had any idea what they were doing in regards to the
Type II tournament format. To date the rules have been changed more times
than a 2 day-old baby's diaper (and thanks to Ferratio running up my leg
I don't ever have to worry about that). Type II should be like all the
other tournament formats, that is it must have consistent rules that don't
keep changing and until it does, it's being treated by them like a joke.
Secondly, keeping sets in for 2-3 years does nothing but what happened
before when there were too many expansion allowed in T2 - it stagnates
Q: But Quard, won't allowing expansions to stay in Type II longer
help all of us out who can't afford to keep pace with the psycho rate WotC's
churning out expansions? - Eileen T. New Jersey
A: No actually it won't do anything for you, as some believe.
By the time your wallet recovers to buy the next affordable expansion there
will be 2 more in-print expansions that you still can't afford. If you
didn't have the money to get them now, you still won't as long as they
keep printing them so fast.
Q: Does playing Sealed deck really even the odds for everyone
playing? - Alan B. Ohio
A: No it does not level the playing field or even the odds. The
only way to do that is to give everyone starter decks and boosters with
the same cards as everyone else and for everyone to be of equal skill.
Some people get real bad decks in Sealed while others get god-like ones,
it happens. However, Sealed is still a fun environment where you pay for
the cards and afterwards get to play in a tournament for free. Not bad
(unless we're talking about 5th Edition decks...eeewwww).
Q: Why with 5th are they trying to force us to play with all
these sucky cards? - Gertie G., New Hampshire
A: You're not the only one that caught on with the removal of
Serra, Sengir, Whelp and Mahamoti that WotC is trying to get us to play
with rotten cards like the tremendously over costed, poorly designed and
so weak someone should have been fired Seraph. Ugh. Revolt before it's
too late! Viva Le Revolution!
Q: How does the reprint policy help us Magic players? - Fred,
A: It doesn't. The Reprint Policy's effect was like a WotC issued
Oath of Loyalty to the comic and card shops that sell Magic cards on the
secondary market. Although the claim is that it was created for the players'
protection to ensure they won't be ripped off by speculators, what it actually
did was ensure that the secondary card market would stay alive and prospering
by charging even more ridiculous and outrageous prices for OOPS (Out of
print cards). This is the very same secondary market that WotC swore to
us players that they didn't care about. Almost as soon as the policy was
announced, most good cards that were promised not to ever be reprinted
shot up in price at these stores overnight. Great, so who are these damned
speculators that overcharge all the players out there that WotC created
their Reprint Policy to protect us? That's right, it's all those stores
that jacked up their prices on cards that were not on WotC's Reprint Policy.
So how did this protect us players? It didn't. If you want a decent card
now you have to pay more for it because of WotC's policy. Good move WotC
in creating a Reprint Policy that was supposed to prevent us from being
ripped off that guarantees we'll get ripped off if we try to obtain decent
OOPs. We really didn't need help like this.
Q: A lot of WotC staffers have been quoted to say that they feel
that the greater the degree of luck the less enjoyable the game. What do
you think? - Darryl C., San Jose
A: First ask them if they own the Power 9 and then ask me that
Q: I heard that a lot of people playing in Pro Tours actually
announce and show a spell before tapping their mana, something that's so
basic to the rules of the game as to be unbelievable. I heard one person
even got disqualified doing it in one of the Pro Tours! - Erick, NJ
A: What can I say, there are a lot of "pros" out there on the
Pro Tour that don't know how to cast spells. Perhaps the Pro Tour should
be retitled the "Mediocre Tour." Also the person you're referring to did
not get disqualified, he lost the match and still got the cash. Now if
it was you, you'd get nothing. So be a Pro Tour player and get special
treatment... it's there in the rules somewhere. I wonder how the guy who
took third felt about that one...
Q: What do you think is the worst thing, besides all the good
cards that they removed, about 5th Edition? - Devan T., South Carolina
A: That finally the new art for all the special lands is great
but the lands themselves suck (except the City of Brass).
Q: Dear Quard, knowing what kind of guy you are and that it's
April, I wonder how many of these rares are you actually going to keep
for yourself so that you don't have to spend the money to get reprints?
- J. Palmer, MD
A: Actually this was no joke (the joke was 5th Edition), I am
accepting all 5th Edition rares that people know suck so that I can rip
them up and send them back to Wizards of the Coast with a nicely worded
letter of disdain. If you have any sucky 5E rares that you think suck so
bad they should never have been put or left in 5th then see the notice
at the end of this article for where to send them. All rares will not be
kept, but shredded and sent back to WotC.
Q: I was wondering, does Ferratio type in any other languages?
- Vivian, MD
A: My imaginary trained typing ferret is literate in all languages
imaginary and otherwise. However Vault only accepts submissions in English
so that's all you'll ever see him do here. Excuse me while I go fish him
out of his water bowl...
Q: Why can't anyone but me see that the Sisay Ring is obviously
an attempt at humor by WotC?? I mean, they even name it Sisay, which any
half-wit can look at and say "Huh-huh, Sissy ring. Cool." Next, they'll
have a Cra-pay Lotus, which cost 6 for the same affect as a black lotus.
- Neon Knight, Internet
A: One of the reasons people can't see things like Lion's Eye
Diamond and Sissay Ring as funny is that they're paying for these useless
cards. If WotC wants to be funny, let them do it on they're wallets and
leave ours alone. Give us cards we can work with (and stop making 15 card
boosters!). Besides, the LED is the Crappy Lotus.
** SPECIAL NOTE **
Quard so was upset at all the crummy rares they put into 5th Edition that
he has vowed to return them to WotC after feeding them to his shredder.
If you would like to participate in the "Thanks but No Thanks for These
Stupid 5E Rares" program, send any 5th Edition RARE cards that you think
sucks lemons to:
Vincent B. Navarino
I Live on this Street
My City, My State My Zip
All crummy 5E Rare cards received will be passed through Quard's shredder
and will be shipped back to Wizard's of the Coast in their newly shredded
form, along with a very nicely worded "No Thank You Note." Feel free to
enclose in your submissions a little note explaining why you think the
Rares you are sending to be shredded reek.
Note: Are there any Magic related questions you'd like to ask me that
might see print in an upcoming Quard's Corner in Vault? If so, e-mail your
questions to me at email@example.com.
This article was put together for your reading pleasure
by Vincent B. Navarino (aka Quard on IRC:#mtg) and his imaginary trained
typing Ferret, Ferratio. Vincent considers himself quite the humorist and
can regularly be spotted late at night on IRC:#mtg(EFNet) tormenting the
people there with his rantings. He'd also like to write Magic humor for
the Duelist and someday might start submitting his articles to them, but
is too afraid of rejection right now after not having a date in 3 years. If
you'd like to talk with me please can e-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org.
All feedback received is welcomed.
Warning: any hate mail will be forwarded to a neighbor
he doesn't like.