[Author's Note: This was the first submission I sent to Vault magazine, which appeared in the December 1996 issue. It was my first Magic-humor piece which I guess you could call Quard's Corner #0. It was the beginning of something
fun, insane and completely frightening. Now's the time to start running.]
An Open Letter to Wizards of the Coast and the DCI
by Brian Wallenkins - Age:10.
Dear Wizards of the Coast and the Dewlist Convocation International.
Hello there. My name is Brian Wallenkins and I have a few bones to pick with you people.
Last Monday I played in my first tournament and was beaten buy this stupid guy who had a waaay smaller deck than mine; it wasn't a fair game!
His stoopid Necro deck trashed my 150 card masterpiece (I'm not telling you everything that was in my deck because I don't want anyone to find out and copy it - but it has Fireballs, Lightning Bolts, Disintegrates, Incinerates, Lava Bursts and Earthquakes). Anyways I really think you should change the rules so that decks of the same sizes are matched up against each other; otherwise it's just not fair. Oh, and my deck is called "Die!Die!Die!"
(pretty cool, huh?)
Tuesday I was disqualified because my stupid American Mirage cards kept sticking together. My opponent and the judge thought I was cheating and my opponent laughed at me and told me I should put them in sleeves next time. Sticky Mirage cards should be banned from tournaments! I called you
guys up to get my sticky Mirage cards replaced but the guy on the other end kept laughing until the line went dead. Jerk!
On Wednesday I was playing with my Mahamoti deck, which did so well I almost got to the second round but I was beat because my opponent was playing a R/G weenie deck. There was nothing I could do because all my creatures cost at least 6 mana and all his cost 1 or 2. I really think
1/1 creatures for 1 mana and 2/2 creatures for 2 are way too powerful; half of what they SHOULD cost. These creatures should definitely be fixed.
I hear you're fixing cards so that no one wants to play 'em so you should continue by making 1/1's 3 and 2/2's 4 to cast. I hate weenies, please restrict them until you fix them!
Thursday I was disqualified because my sleeved cards kept sticking together and my opponent and the judge thought I was cheating. This after I spent $150 to protect all my decks with those expensive Mega-Amateur deck protectors (you know the ones with that are made of heavy plastic that break every time you shuffle them).
Friday I got to the second round only to find out that my opponent was Susie Jenkins, a GIRL (can you believe that?)! I thought girls weren't allowed to play Magic. Well, I was looking forward to mopping the floor with her and broke out my Aesthir Glider/Ornithopter deck. After I was able to stop laughing I was a perfect gentlemen and told her if she conceded now she could play in the next tournament they were starting in 10 minutes, but she refused. Oh well, I did offer her a chance to save face since I knew she was going to lose . . . after all, I'm a boy and she's a silly stoopid girl. We started to play and SHE BEAT ME 3-0!!! I lost...to a GIRL??!!!
Girls should definitely be banned from Magic!
Saturday I got all the way up to the semi-finals in a Mirage sealed-deck tournament until my opponent called over the judge to check my deck for marked cards. I got disqualified because most of my Mirage cards were real worn and the judge said they were marked. I couldn't believe it! I explained that I bought the Mirage cards from him just today and only played 8 games with them but he kicked me out anyways since my Mirage cards were in such
poor shape. They were too...all chipped and cracked and bent. Over half the people playing Mirage Sealed Deck were disqualified the same way. Magic cards aren't supposed to look like that after a few games so I called customer service again only to be laughed at by a different person until the line went dead. This sucks!
On Sunday I copied this cool "Murderer Deck" from InVest and didn't win one game with it. Even a seven year old kid beat the pants off me with two starter decks he just bought and shuffled together! I first thought that maybe I didn't know how to play their "Murderer Deck" properly
and that's why I lost every game, but I handed it to Richard Garfield and he lost every game with it too! "Murderer Decks" should be banned from tournaments!! I started to think that they should rename their decks to
something else but a friend later pointed out that they are "Murderer Decks" since they do wind up killing the person playing it...
Today I sold all my Magic cards and I am now learning this cool new game called Spellfire. The pictures are so cool, I remember seeing them somewhere before...
This article was put together for your reading pleasure by Vincent B. Navarino (aka Quard on IRC:#mtg) and his imaginary trained typing Ferret, Ferratio. Vincent considers himself quite the humorist and can regularly
be spotted late at night on IRC:#mtg(EFNet) tormenting the people there with his rantings. If you'd like to talk with him, you can e-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Warning: any hate mail will be forwarded to a neighbor he doesn't like.