[Author's Note: This is the very first Quard's
Corner, which appeared in January 1997 in the Vault magazine. Not only
was I horrified that you people liked it, I was even more horrified that
you sickos wanted more. And so began the monstrosity that became to be
known as Quard's Corner. Ick.]
Everything You've Always Wanted to Know About Magic Tournaments but Were
Afraid to Ask
by Vincent Navarino (email him at firstname.lastname@example.org)
Q: Dear Quard. I am real upset that WotC makes all these expansions
and only 20 or so cards per expansion are actually tourney quality. What's
the deal here? - Lude R. Cruss, Springfield IL
A: I can think of two reasons off the top of my head why this
is so, Lude. (1) It is impossible to make all cards in a given expansion
tournament caliber. Give the nice guys in R&D a break; if it wasn't
for them we wouldn't have this cool game to play! They deserve medals for
what they've done for us (although rumor has it that WotC was thinking
of implementing random drug testing after they created Sea Troll and started
enforcing it after Lion's Eye Diamond) and (2) It's real hard to sell a
23 card expansion for $112.80/box.
Q: Dear Quard, I think that the time limits in tournaments are
too short. What can I do to make my point to the Duelist Convocation? -
Dave Breen, Dallas TX
A: Work on a G/W Recursive Fog deck. Put in all the fog-like
spells you can as well as Diggers, Feldon's Canes and any spells that gives
you life. Get as many friends as you can to make the same deck and play
it in a tournament. About 20 Fog-like spells and 20 Life spells should
make your point crystal clear as the Swiss rounds slow to a screeching
halt and everyone playing this deck wins by not even finishing one game
but having more life than the other guy after time runs out. The average
tournament should last 4.7 days and I'm sure the DCI will take notice.
The down side: all Fog-like spells may be restricted or banned.
Q: Am I cheating in a tournament if I am sitting in the same
seat as my opponent? - Neil Complete, Boise
A: As far as I can tell this is perfectly legal as long as your
opponent agrees. After all, we're all there to have fun.
Q: I cast what would be a game-winning card and my opponent responds
by countering it. Is it considered poor sportsmanship if I respond by saying
"Go ahead you big baby?" - David Tamburin, Atlanta GA
A: Not really. It is poor sportsmanship if you whack him with
your chair though.
Q: It seems like every tournament I go to I get matched up with
some lamer that uses stupid stall tactics or tries to psych me out by being
a jerk. What can I do? - Darran, Cornwall NY
A: Try this one; a personal favorite. Whenever it's your opponent's
turn mutter under your breath random lands, casting costs and card names.
(Ex: "2... 4 green... Baron Sengir ...3...2...7... white ... Lumberjack
...Island...2 Orgg...Mana Vault... red...2 black, etc..") It drives the
lamers absolutely nuts.
Q: When my opponent says "Cut me", what happens if I do? - Vincent
B. Navarino, Monroe NY
A: If you cut his deck, nothing. If you knife him in the ribs
and start carving him like a Christmas goose you'll probably go to jail.
Q: What do I do if a judge makes a bad call and causes me to
lose a tournament because he was stupid? - David Feast, Chester NY
A: Firstly, I'd like to say for the record that I am going to
respond to this from a totally unbiased point of view, even though I am
a certified Arena Judge. With that said, burn in Hell you little punk!
Q: Quard, I am so sick of all the people that scoff that Magic
will ever be considered an intellectual sport like chess. What is wrong
with these people? - Carmen, Middletown NY
A: They are obviously demented. You are so right, Carmen! I mean
everyone knows that you have to spend $500 on 4 boxes of chess pieces to
collect all the pawns, kings, rooks, queens, bishops and little horsies
in order to play in matches where the same people who created Chess tell
you how to play in a tournament setting, charging you $25 every time you
show up only to find out that you can only play with one horsey and no
queens; not to mention the time two Grand Masters split the prize money.
The fools, why can't they SEE???!
Q: Am I cheating in a tournament if I *AM* my opponent? - Kyle
Lendese, Ontario Canada
A:If you're a Siamese twin, I guess this is all right but even
though I couldn't find any mention in the rules that you have to actually
have an opponent, I think you'll have a tough time making your case if
Q: Dear Quard, I'm playing in my first Magic tournament and admit
to being a little nervous. I keep hearing to watch out for people cheating
and wonder if Wizards of the Coast or the Duelist Convocation ever released
any rules dealing with cheaters. - Matt L, Whirly Heights, CA
A: Why yes they did, Matt. Waaay back when the DCI answered their
e-mail they came up with an addendum to the Standard Floor Rules that addressed how to handle people who cheat when playing in a Magic tournament.
** WotC Official Cheaters Rules - 01/05/93 **
If an opponent is caught cheating while playing Magic (ex: stacking
his deck with a banned card; having more than one restricted card; having
more than 4 of any card besides land that is not restricted or banned;
pulling cards out of his sleeve, under his leg, or taped to the bottom
of the gaming table; having his vivacious and scantily clad cousin wink
to him in Morse code with her eyelids, revealing to him the cards in your
hand while rubbing your neck in an erotic fashion, cooing in your ear,
nibbling on the aforementioned ear, neck or carotid artery or just saying
"I want you" in a husky voice; using psychic powers to discern your hand
or anything else that is considered using any discernible or non-discernible
means to unfairly win or increase his chances to win the game you are playing), then you are cleared to respond in the following manner:
- Use your Nettling Imp to force one of his creatures to attack and block
his face repeatedly with your fist.
- Never play with this individual again.
- Kindly instill a better playing attitude in your opponent's head by tapping his skull lightly and repeatedly with a minimum of 1300lbs of force with a crowbar (or other metal or wood implement, weighing at least 20-25lbs), gently prying apart the bone fractures and placing a Balance card in his frontal lobe, face down.
- Date his scantily clad cousin you idiot, it's better than playing a stupid card game! You haven't had a date in three ^%$#! years, get going! Oh .. . and never play with him again unless he brings his cousin with him.
- Kill him. Slowly. With a spoon. 'cause it takes longer and it hurts.
- Call him a cheating stinky doo-doo head and firebomb his car.
- Take his ante, your ante, all his cards (at gunpoint) and tell him that's
the price you pay for being a cheater. Don't forget his cousin.
- Pour some of that Zippo lighter fluid you conveniently had in your pocket, douse the playing surface and light it. Toast a marshmallow.
- Tape all your attacking creatures to bricks. Pelt your opponent with them
to indicate they are attacking. Attacking creatures that don't tap to attack
are held in your hand and can be used to bash your opponent's face in.
- Find out where he lives . . . the heck with that - find out where his cousin lives!
This article was put together for your reading pleasure
by Vincent B. Navarino (a.k.a. Quard on IRC:#mtg) and his imaginary trained
typing Ferret, Ferratio. Vincent considers himself quite the humorist and
can regularly be spotted late at night on IRC:#mtg(EFNet) tormenting the
people there with his rantings. He'd like to write Magic humor for the
Duelist and someday might start submitting his articles to them, but is
too afraid of rejection right now after not having a date in 3 years. If
you'd like to talk with him, you can e-mail him at email@example.com.
Warning: any hate mail will be forwarded to a neighbor
he doesn't like.
[Author's Second Note: The title of the Quard's Corner series happened
by accident. The created invention of my fly-headed counterpart was only
intended as a one-time deal. However, Joseph Elkouby, the Vault's publisher
mistakingly saw the title of this article and put it up described as "Quard's
Little Corner of the Vault" and thus Quard's Corner was born, the series,
not the one-time article. I had no idea of doing a series, but ran with
it and it became a heckova run. Totally 100% by accident. It did give me
something to do. Funny how things turn out, eh?]