[Author's Note: It may be interesting to note
that Quard's Corner started out in a purely Q&A format and evolved
later into something different. It also may be interesting to note that
this is the third time I have said note so far. Doh! Make that four times.
Originally appeared in the Vault e-zine on Feb. 1997]
Quard's Corner: Recent Magic Newsgroup Threads and Questions Examined
by Vincent Navarino
Q: Quard, what do you think of the rumor that the Duelist
Convocation will change the current mulligan rule so that a player can
declare a mulligan for any reason and just draw one less card each time?
A: Any change to the current mulligan rules would be a bad idea.
If your deck can't function because you get only one land in your hand,
I have a few suggestions for you: (1) go mono or dual color, stop trying
to make 4+ color decks (2) having a deck with the average casting cost
equal to the Gross National Product of China is self-defeating (3) this
is a card game, you draw cards and have to deal with what winds up in your
hand (4) if you hate having a Kjeldoran Outpost as the only land in your
hand then stop putting four of them in and (5) Goblin Decks would kick
Q: I hear there's going to be a sixth color in the next Magic
A: This is one of those rumors that have persisted ever since
Legends came out, kinda like the even sillier rumors that the Duelist Convocation is a separate entity from WotC (or that the DCI actually responds to their e-mail). Firstly, to adequately support another color they would have to create an 800 card expansion of the new color just so it could be balanced among the others. Of course this means that there will be over 700 cards in this catch-up expansion that suck (200 of which the Type II people would insist are broken).
Secondly, there's been a sixth color ever since Legends came out --
Gold (multi-colored). And for all you people that are starting to say to
yourselves that Gold is not a color since it comprises multiple colors
I'd like to point out that White is not a color since it comprises multiple
colors of the spectrum. Nyah-nyah!
Q: Will the DCI ever allow black-backed sleeves in tournament
play? I'd like to use some older cards that are too worn for play and it
would be so cool to be able to play them (or better yet my Alpha cards).
A: Well, as you know the DCI is WotC and Wizards doesn't make
any money if you don't go and buy more boosters and starters to replace
your worn cards. If they allowed you to play with worn cards (which is
the best thing for all the players out there) then their wallets -- not
yours -- might be hurting. Like they'd only make $30 bazillion dollars
this year instead of $40 bazillion. I'm sure you can sympathize with their
plight. Now shaddup and go hock your Hyundai so you can keep playing Magic.
Oh, and if you play Type II, we're past January 1st so you can throw those
570 cards in the trash can on your way out along with all those restricted
cards which are banned now. And don't forget to buy oodles and oodles of
that new 167 card expansion coming out any day now. Can you say...sucker?
Q: Quard, why do those Type II people despise us Type I people?
A: Peni...err...card envy. That and the fact that we can
play with most of our cards and they can't seems to make them wig.
Q: I'm a Type II player and I just wanted to say that playing
Type II is way more challenging than playing Type I. Do you agree?
A: Sure. I find Type II much more challenging when I know that
most of the time I will be facing one of the small handful of dominate
decks over and over and over and over (get the point?) again when I play
Type II. Not to mention the struggles I have figuring out how to effectively
use fixed cards like Lion's Eye Diamond (hehe, they sure fixed that Black
Lotus boss!) I mean sure, I could play Type I where no decks types dominate
the environment and I can use almost all of the cards I own, but then not
being prepared for the same old decks might hurt my rating. Heh.
Q: How in the world do they make all those weird card rulings?
A: When WotC needs a ruling made on a card, rumor has it that
Thomas R. Wylie is thrown naked in a special room at WotC corporate headquarters where he is forced to eat wild hallucinogenic mushrooms until he enters a Zen-like state and scribes jot down his every word. Rumor also has it that on several occasions Wylie has successfully contacted Elvis.
Q: Do you really own an imaginary trained typing ferret?
A: Yes, his name is Ferratio.
Q: What's his favorite snack food?
A: Kittens dipped in Cheese Wiz. Velveeta has an aftertaste that
upsets his tummy.
Q: Why are all the people who play Type II always jumping up and down yelling that a card that's been in print for years is broken?
A: Better yet, why are they announcing to everyone that they
can't handle cards that have been around for years? Do you hear John McEnroe
screaming at the top of his lungs that suddenly the tennis court is too
small? How about Kasparov complaining that the rook in chess just became
way too powerful overnight?
Q: What does it mean when someone says a certain card plays well
in Sealed Deck?
A: Unless it is an X direct damage spell, then loosely translated
it means it sucks. Really sucks. Not only sucks lemons but it sucks the
whole lemon tree, the lemon grove and everything within a 200 mile radius
of the land the lemon grove is on. We're talking a black lemon- sucking
hole of gigantic proportions (ala Aesthir Glider).
Q: I keep reading all these articles by Magic players where they
joyously advocate playing mind tricks and other distraction techniques
to swing their chances to win Magic tournaments. What do you think should be done about people like this?
A: Shoot them. After that go for the lawyers.
Q: Isn't that a little extreme, Quard?
A: Alright, these people should be driven out of the tournament
by an angry mob of rightfully irate Magic players and judges wielding iron-tipped whips chasing the offending individuals back down the slime encrusted dark dank hole they crawled out of. WotC should also be notified by you players out there that the only sportsmanship you'll accept at their sanctioned tourneys, Pro Tours and PTQ's is good sportsmanship!
Q: Would you feel that way, smart guy, if it was a female employing
distraction techniques against you?
A: Well it depends actually. If it is a female opponent and they're doing things like rubbing my leg under the table, handing me their hotel key, passing me pictures of them sans clothing or promising me a night
on the town with them, I find no problem with these types of distraction
techniques. Hey, it's just a card game and I haven't had a date in three
years so hold my cards will ya, I've got someone to meet!
Q: What was WotC thinking when they chose a V as the expansion
symbol for Visions? What next, are they going to rename Armageddon to Destroys all Lands or maybe Lightning Bolt to Deals Three Damage to Target Creature or Player?
A: Hey I'm still trying to figure out how they made the game
so much simpler by changing the rules in Mirage/5E... and judging by the
questions the changes have generated I'm sure WotC's Rules Team is wondering
too. The Ley Druid doesn't work any more and you can't counter that Dark
Ritual to save yourself from being Pestilenced to death. Good job...wrong
Q: I'm real scared of pre-buying Magic cards after that Mirage
fiasco a few months ago. Are there any other surprises in store for us
with the first run of Visions?
A: Be at ease. WotC has been adamant that those sticky first run card problems that happened with Mirage will not be repeated. The first wave of all cards coming out, starting with Visions will be pre-soaked in light weight motor oil to ensure they won't stick together. So rest easy, the nightmare is over.
Q: Hey Quard, I always force my opponents to de-sleeve, because
I can. Ain't I cool?
A: Simply speaking you're a maggot - that's a legless soft-bodied
larva often found in decaying matter. Look under F in your dictionary (you
know, that big red book you thought was a collection of short one line
stories). People have every right to protect their property with sleeves
and unless you have a good reason for making them de-sleeve (other than
being a jerk) they shouldn't have to. This is one of the rules that needs
modification by the DCI to prevent such occurrences of poor sportsmanship.
The other rule that needs modifying is the one that says you can't play
in a tournament naked.
Q: I couldn't help but notice that all the advertisements for
5th Edition show a full starter box with only *9* starter decks instead
of 12. We finally get the same number of rares buying Starters with Mirage.
It's got to be a some kind of mistake, right?
A: Sure it is. And Magic really is an intellectual sport.
Q: It seems the DCI never gets anyone's ranking right, could
you explain the ranking system they use so I can better understand what's
been going on and why?
A: Rumor has it that to find a player's ranking they either roll
four ten sided dice, re-rolling if the first ten-sider is greater than
1 OR they place ping pong balls numbered from 0 to 9 in three bingo machines
like states use to pick lottery numbers and put a 1 in front of the numbers
that come out. Even if these aren't the actual methods used presently,
many players when asked agree that the bingo machine procedure might be
a better way to go.
Q: I think WotC should release the proposed 5th edition rule book to the Net in advance so that we can pick it apart and ensure that a decent rule book falls into the player's hands when published for a change. It'd be nice for new players to get a hold of a rule book that really showed them how to play Magic without all the errors. What do you think?
A: What are you crazy, and miss out on all the Lands Are Mana
Sources threads on the Magic newsgroups? Where's the fun in that?
Are there any Magic related questions you'd like to ask me that might
see print in an upcoming Quard's Corner in Vault? If so, e-mail your questions to me at email@example.com.
This article was put together for your reading pleasure
by Vincent B. Navarino (aka Quard on IRC:#mtg) and his imaginary trained
typing Ferret, Ferratio. Vincent considers himself quite the humorist and
can regularly be spotted late at night on IRC:#mtg(EFNet) tormenting the
people there with his rantings. He'd also like to write Magic humor for
the Duelist and someday might start submitting his articles to them, but
is too afraid of rejection right now after not having a date in three years.
If you'd like to talk with him please feel free to e-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org.
All feedback received is welcomed.
Warning: any hate mail will be forwarded to a neighbor
he doesn't like.