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Meridianmagic Deathmatch: WotC vs Microsoft!
By Oscar Tan aka Rakso
It just got second place, but I guess you guys will enjoy it anyway! Hope you laugh your hearts out!

DEATHMATCH: TURBOZVI VS FINKELTRON!

(Author’s note: To understand the dialogue, one has to understand this Zero Wing video game that has been the talk of Beyond Dominia’s Type I Mill. For reference: http://www.movezig.com/media/base.swf)


It’s the 2001 World Championships, folks, and what a spectacle! The finalists are duking it out with their Type I decks, and one wrong move is all it takes to crown the new world champion!

TurboZvi managed to get a Dream Halls into play three hours ago and is still frantically cycling through his library, completely oblivious to the world around him! Meanwhile, FinkelTron, waiting on the other end of the table with his patented Obliterate-Yawgmoth’s Will combo, makes the key play of the day: He stands up and gets lunch!

Will it be TurboZvi? Will it be FinkelTron? The suspense is killing me, folks (not to mention the wait)!

To keep the crowd awake, Richard Garfield steps up to the mike.

“Hi, guys!”

“Hi, Richard!” they wave back.

“Did I tell you this could be the last Worlds ever?”

Only shocked gasps are heard from the speechless audience. The deafening silence is broken only by footsteps. Heads turn towards the strange fellow who just walked in, a small man with thick glasses and an awkward grin.

“It’s you!” is all Garfield can say.

“How are you gentlemen?” the stranger begins. “All your base are belong to us. You are on the way to destruction. You have no chance to survive make your time.”

“HA HA HA HA…”


(And here, folks, the REAL showdown begins…)


DEATHMATCH: MICROSOFT VS WIZARDS OF THE COAST!

ROUND 1:

“Surrender, cardfloppers!” Bill Gates cries.

Even as he speaks, a trojan file embedded in Internet Explorer activates on cue. It goes largely unnoticed, except in a back room in the New York Stock Exchange.

“What happen!” someone cries.

“Someone set up us the bomb!” someone cries back.

In the blink of a modem connection, all records of Hasbro’s shares are mysteriously deleted, forcing the company into bankruptcy. The fledgling Wizards of the Coast is left to fend off the juggernaut on its own.

Bill Gates laughs malevolently: “All your base are belong to us. HA HA HA HA…”


ROUND 2:

“FOR GREAT JUSTICE!” the assembled cardfloppers roar.

On cue, twin spotlights are turned on, and Magic’s staunch defenders jump into action.

“This’ll stop you!” shouts TurboZvi, and he waves aloft an oversized copy of Volrath’s Shapeshifter. Behind him, FinkelTron strikes his Sydney war face, pectorals bulging…

…from the strain of carrying a full printout of the Comprehensive Rules.

On the other end of the room, Michael Kastberg and Paul Barclay exchange high fives. Thunderous applause erupts from the crowd.

Suddenly, a crowd of men in cassocks and old ladies appears behind Bill Gates.

“Spawn of the devil, I tell you!” one of the ladies screams in a nasal voice.

“That man!” adds one of the men. “He has been staring at pieces of cardboard in his hands for the last three hours! He must be possessed!”

“And that other one!” another lady chimes in. “Obliterate! Yawgmoth’s Will! Blasphemy!!!”

A wide grin appears on Bill Gates’ face as TurboZvi and FinkelTron cower behind an oversized Counterspell card in the face of the relentless assault.

“Crucify them!” shouts Pope John Paul II, also the new CEO of CatholicCorporation.com, a wholly-owned subsidiary of Microsoft. FinkelTron’s mother appears and grabs the champion’s ear, and drags him away kicking and screaming from “the house of sin.”

Bill Gates laughs malevolently: “All your base are belong to us. HA HA HA HA…”


ROUND 3:

“Call a judge! Call a judge!” the panicked TurboZvi begs.

The judging staff stands in complete shock, paralyzed.

“Uh… let’s give him a warning!” shouts one member.

“No, let’s DQ him for littering!” shouts another.

Michael Kastberg breaks the spell.

“Wait a minute!” he shouts. “I’m not just a rules lawyer. I’m a laywer IN REAL LIFE!”

Thunderous applause erupts from the crowd, though some people faint after realizing they just clapped for a lawyer.

Like a man possessed, Mighty Mike Kastberg barrels past the frozen staff, grabs the head judge’s laptop, and types up an antitrust pleading even longer than Magic’s list of errata.

His opponent calmly opens his briefcase and presents Mighty Mike with a thick document of his own: A pardon signed on the last day of Bill Clinton’s presidency.

Bill Gates laughs malevolently: “All your base are belong to us. HA HA HA HA…”


ROUND 4:

“Give it up, Garfield!” Bill Gates says with a menacing tone.

“No!” a new voice shouts.

The Ferret strides confidently into the room, and points a finger at Bill Gates.

“For too long, you’ve ignored us,” he shouts to the crowd, doing a halfway decent impression of WWF’s Raw is War. “You think we’re nothing. You think we have no tech. Well, now, we’re going to show you guys.

“SCRUBS, UNITE!!!”

Thunderous applause erupts from the crowd, and The Ferret waves back while handing the fallen TurboZvi a Team AWWAJALOOM card.

Suddenly, however, a brand new Ferrari pulls up in front of the convention center. A new figure walks in, dressed in an Armani suit and a tie made of foil Rishadan Ports.

“Meet my new associate,” Bill Gates stage whispers.

“A— A— Anthony?” The Ferret stutters.

“That’s BOSS to you, boy,” Anthony Alongi replies. “Come with me.”

As The Ferret settles into his new job answering irate calls in Windows NT Customer Support, the URL of Star City changes to MultiPlayerNetDecks.com. As the site’s main page is replaced by a menacing Microsoft logo, every other commercial Magic site in the world follows The Dojo into oblivion. The Sideboard’s server crashes after downloading another trojan named “My Fires, Parts 5 to 2,164”.

Bill Gates laughs malevolently: “All your base are belong to us. HA HA HA HA…”


ROUND 5:

“You can’t get us all, Gates!” Richard Garfield shouts defiantly, tears streaming down his cheeks.

“Magic is more than a game. It’s more than an intellectual sport. It’s— It’s—

“It’s a community. A global community. A global… OH, CRAP!!!”

“A global INTERNET community?” Bill Gates replies.

Faster than a Channeled Fireball, the hidden programming in computers around the world reveals itself.

In Boston, a mysterious error in the FBI’s computer results in Alex Shvartsman and Michelle Bush’s arrest for attempting to smuggle “deadly weapons” through airport security.

In New York, Sean McKeown is mobbed after a fake MPEG of him cheating during a Neutral Ground draft is spread online.

In Virginia, Mike Long’s store is burned to the ground shortly after the opening of a counterfeit eBay auction for, “The special pair of jeans with the Cadaverous Bloom in the front pocket”.

In Germany, a SWAT team storms into Kai Budde’s home after his copy of Outlook Express unzips planted child pornography JPEGs.

One by one, from Singapore to South Africa, Magic’s stalwarts are taken out of action. For good measure, Cathy Nicoloff’s phone bill is altered to reflect a million dollars, and Beyond Dominia is deleted by a Phyrexian HTML-bomb. With all the key players and the last bastions of free online Magic neutralized, Microsoft domination looks inevitable.

Bill Gates laughs malevolently: “All your base are belong to us. HA HA HA HA…”


ROUND 6:

Richard Garfield begs on his knees and Bill Gates tries to grab the laminated Proposal card in his wallet.

“Do something!” shouts the DCI.

“Um… well, we could reprint Necropotence,” answers R&D.

Suddenly, a new group walks into the room.

Unknown to Bill Gates, one country’s primitive telephone infrastructure and complete lack of broadband allowed one team to escape Microsoft’s deadly web-based traps.

There they stood. Magic’s one last, desperate hope.

The Philippine National Magic: the Gathering Team.

(They made the mistake of flying Philippine Air Lines, aka Plane Always Late, and were fashionably delayed.)

But what could they accomplish that FinkelTron and TurboZvi could not?

Richie Chua, #1 ranked player of the humble archipelago, demands, “Why don’t you pick on someone your own size?”

Bill Gates breaks out in uncontrollable laughter, and asks what their speck of the map ever produced that could possibly threaten his corporate juggernaut.

“The LOVE BUG,” Richie Chua calmly replies.


ROUND 7:

As the color drains from Bill Gates’ face, Richie Chua pulls out a cellular phone and prepares to make a call.

“If you don’t leave WotC alone,” he threatens, “I’m going to call my cousin.”

“And who’s your cousin?” Bill Gates asks, shaking in fear.

“Don’t forget that I’m not just Filipino. I’m CHINESE-FILIPINO.”

Upon hearing those words, Bill Gates collapses in shock. Even as he falls unceremoniously to the ground, Richie Chua barks orders in rapid Mandarin into his phone.

Within minutes, bootleg copies of Windows flood global markets. As the United States’ trade deficit sinks to an all-time low, George Bush declares a state of emergency, begs the World Trade Organization to impose sanctions, and calls in Marines to break up Microsoft as soon as possible.

As thunderous applause erupts from the audience, Richie Chua sits down in front of Richard Garfield. “Want to play?” he asks, and fishes out a deck of fake Pokemon foils from Beijing.


EPILOGUE:

FinkelTron wins the final match of the World Championships 1-0 after the match is called on time.

Microsoft’s servers all go offline after they were sent the unsolveable “What Would Richie Do?” puzzles posted on www.bdominia.com and archived in www.meridianmagic.com.

In Richie Chua’s honor, R&D creates a card featuring his likeness. The card of Richie’s dreams is immediately included in Apocalypse: the broken new artifact card, Defective Condom.

Alex Shvartsman is still being questioned by the FBI in Boston due to the mysterious contents of his luggage.

Wizards of the Coast actually attempts some decent marketing efforts in the Philippines, after years of neglect.


Oscar Tan aka Rakso
Manila, Philippines
Type I Maintainer, www.bdominia.com
Moderator, badmagictech@yahoogroups.com

Read More Articles by Oscar Tan aka Rakso!

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