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Five Simple Ways to Obtain a Black Lotus
By Eric Turgeon
Note: This article originally appeared as part of a contest for the now-defunct Magic Lampoon in 2006. The contest theme was simply "Black Lotus." Enjoy!

So you really want a Black Lotus, do you? Well, there's a lot of ways to go about obtaining one and I'd like to take the liberty to explore all the available options. As you may or may not be aware, Black Lotuses are hard to get and just one will cost quite a bit of money. So pull out your wallet while we go searching for all the Black Lotuses we can get our hands on.

The first place to find a Black Lotus is, of course, at a Lotus dealership. Lotuses are produced in Great Britain so finding them in the U.S. can be quite challenging. If you hop over to the Lotus Website, a handy dealership finder will help guide you in the right direction. You'll need transportation to the dealership, but I'll assume that you own a 1972 Chevy El Camino, which should be able to get you there just before it breaks down.

Once at the Lotus dealership, keep your eye on the prize. You're there for a Black Lotus, so don't let any pushy salesperson convince you to buy a red, white or yellow lotus. Even a chrome (a.k.a. "Gilded") Lotus might seem even fancier, but trust me, it's not worth nearly as much as the black one.

There are two popular Black Lotuses to choose from: the Exige and the Elise. Notice the difference: one uses an X and a G and the other one uses an L and an S. LS stands for Low Standards, so you'll want to go with the Exige. XG stands for X-tra Gas, meaning it gets horrible gas mileage, but no one said owning a Black Lotus was easy. Your new Black Lotus will cost about $50,000, but don't worry about that. It's a freaking Black Lotus! You can't put a price tag on that.

To maximize the power of your Black Lotus, you're going to have to learn to use the Lotus Petals. The one on the right is for acceleration and the one on the left is for braking. Someone told me that all Lotus Petals are for acceleration, but that doesn't make any sense at all. How else are you supposed to stop?

Congratulations and kudos! You've earned your first Black Lotus. And by earned, I mean you paid full price for it. But who could be happy with just one Black Lotus? You want more than just a silly little car. So hop in your new Exige and slam down on that right Lotus Petal and head on home to obtain your next Black Lotus.

Are you back home yet? No problem, I'll wait.


(Time Lapse)

(Downloading porn)

Hey! Welcome back! I didn't see you come in. Um, just let me finish up this here spreadsheet I was working on and then I'll be right with you.

So where were we? Oh yeah, you want another Black Lotus.

This next Black Lotus will really help your productivity explode. It's useless by itself, but with the right tools around it, this Black Lotus is just what you need to get ahead.

You might be aware that a Black Lotus produces three mana. Let's count that out: 1-2-3. Well, what have we here? It's Lotus 1-2-3! Sounds like a Black Lotus to me, but in addition to creating 1-2-3 mana, it will also act as an electronic spreadsheet, database manager and graphical data analyzer.

To obtain Lotus 1-2-3, you can check out numerous places on the web, such as CDW, CNet, NexTag, or if you're really poor, eBay. It can also be bought at retail stores such as Staples, but if you want to get it there, you'll need an Easy button. And those are hard to get.

Lotus 1-2-3 will run you about $200, but that's nothing compared to the Black Lotus sitting in your driveway. And for all its capabilities, $200 is quite a deal.

Two Black Lotuses still just aren't enough, are they? Now where might we be able to find a third Black Lotus? Well I'm going to venture a guess and say it's in the Lotus position.

Now the Lotus position is going to be extremely difficult for the average Magic player to get to. I recommend signing up for Yoga classes. After six months of stretching and flexibility exercises, you might just be able to hoist your legs around enough to make everyone else in your class really uncomfortable when they look at you. It's all good, though, considering you'll be really uncomfortable, too. And just like that, you are in the Lotus position.

So where's the Black Lotus? Well, buddy, I'm sorry to say it's gone. Someone else got to it before you. Luckily, the Lotus position can be used for many other fun activities, as described in the Karma Sutra. On second thought, it's probably useless to you.

Don't fret, though, for the Lotus is also a wonderfully delicate and beautiful flower. The Lotus flower has long been a religious symbol in ancient Egyptian and Asian culture. It inspires meditation, a spiritual understanding of one's self and has been used for healing purposes in countless cultures. Unfortunately the lotus only comes in two colors: blue and white. What's up with that? We need a Black Lotus here.

Well, when life gives you Lotuses, make Lotusade. The white lotus, which I will not capitalize due to its vast inferiority to the Black Lotus, is quite common. It's also called a water lily or pansy-ass lotus. Head on down to your local pond (assuming you live in southern Asia) and pick a few white lotuses out of the water. Bring them home, put them over some newspapers, and spray paint the hell out of those lily-white flowers. Bam! You are now the proud owner of the rare and exquisite Black Lotus flower.

I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the super popular Black Lotus Magic card. After all, this is a Magic website. Honestly, I'm not all that familiar with the Black Lotus. Let me take a look at it and I'll get back to you in a minute.

(Time lapse)

Wow. That card, like, totally sucks. I knew it created mana, but that's all it does? And you have to sacrifice it? What good is that? The only thing I could think of is that you could possibly get a Seasinger out on your first turn, but you'd still need Islands to keep it alive. I can't believe some online stores are selling these things for $2000. On second thought, forget about all this searching for Black Lotus crap. Save yourself some time and money and just pick up three basic lands. If you still feel like you need a Black Lotus, pull out a Sharpie and write "Black Lotus" over a Swamp or something. Whatever makes you happy. I'd rather have the Swamp.

Join me next time when we go in search of Moxes. Remember, Moxes make Mainers mighty!

Read More Articles by Eric Turgeon!

 - Wednesday (July 18. 2018)
 - Thursday (May 17, 2018)
 - Tuesday (Aprl. 24, 2018
 - Monday (Apr. 16, 2018)
 - Friday (Apr. 6, 2018)
 - Wednesday (Apr. 4, 2018)
 - Monday (Apr. 2, 2018)
 - Friday (Mar. 23, 2018)
 - Thursday (Feb. 15, 2018)
 - Thursday (Jan 25, 2018)

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