Fortune Cookies...

[lilpinhead]

you know what my friend tim told me the other day as we were eating chinese food...he said that when you get you fortune cookie and begin to read your fortune, just add these two words to the end...the two words were "in bed" and i swear, i have done it twice already and it works out...its really kinda neat. just thought id share...

 

[Zadok001]

"Help, I'm stuck in a fortune cookie factory."

That one doesn't work with 'in bed.' Even if it is just an urban legend...

 

[Rando]

I was at a tournament, and I was playing white control. My matchup was Ponza. Before the game, my opponent laid out a little slip of paper next to his library. It was a fortune cookie fortune, and it said "may you have good luck in all that you do."
The first game I drew 3 lands in my oppening hand and no others that game.
The 2nd game I had 2 marble diamond and 2 plains in my opening hand. He had a port, a stone rain and a pillage, and I never drew another land.
Bad match up? maybe.
Bad luck? defenitly.
The moral. Fortune cookie papers should be banned.

 

[Multani]

Unlike you mortal fools (j/K) I do not believe in such frivoulous things such fortune cookies. I have deduced, that there are only a few fortunes and their to a resturant. There is a high probability that 3 people in a resturant of 1000 will get the same "fortune". "D

 

[dw51688]

Oh my god! This is my most recent fortune.

"Your excitement and curiosity will benefit you (in bed)"

COOL!

 

[Thallid Ice Cream Man]

My dad once got a fortune cookie that said "Promote literacy. Buy a box of fortune cookies today."

That doesn't work with "in bed" though.

Rando: "May you have good luck in all that you do in bed" works, thoughl. You have a point, lilpinhead.

 

[nodnarb24]

It does work. You can buy a box of fortune cookies in bed. Call a chinese place and tell them to deliver fortune cookies.

 

[Namielus]

You guys are really sad, see the whole point of furtune cookies is to make you feel good that you got one. Then it says something that can apply for a wide wide range of tasks (ie how the 'in bed' thing works).

And since none of you guys have seen UCB I will give you a taste of what fortune cookies can say;
"You will be bad"
"You have a limp weenier"
And you can't forget to add the 'in bed on them'.
It just gets worse from there on.

So I think it would be a good idea for you to quit while your ahead.

 

[Mundungu]

I actually read that thread yesterday and had chinese yesterday night.

My fortune was something like :

Where you lack in strength you will compensate with your skills..

I put that into practice the same night with my wife ... in Bed

 

[Hawaiian mage]

I went to an online fourtune cookie thing and got these phrases.


A successful future and a high position is assured to you in bed

Ask yourself what YOU really want in bed

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking in bed

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm in bed

The information you seek is close at hand in bed

Total committment is paramount to success in bed

A lost item will be returned to you in bed

Love truth but pardon error in bed

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy. in bed

Expect help from an anonymous benefactor in bed

You will soon be traveling in luxury in bed

There will be a sudden warming in a passionate relationship in bed

You will be lucky in romance in bed

The world you see is what you give it in bed

You will live in times of great change in bed

Enjoy your good company, they are true friends in bed

A sudden windfall will erase your credit woes in bed

No harm in putting all your eggs in one basket - just watch it closely in bed

You will be successful in your work in bed

You may hear some fortunate family news in bed

Expect a blessing in disguise in bed

Don't settle for second best in bed

Remember: no-one is a failure, who has friends in bed

Hermits have no peer pressure in bed

Expect money from a creative business or hobby in bed

It is time for a big change in your career in bed

Dealings with bankers, realtors, and insurance agents are favored in bed

Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life in bed

Follow that which brings you joy in bed

You will enjoy success in everything you do in bed

Look before you leap in bed

Distractions at work may be stressful in bed

A visit to a housebound friend will bring great pleasure in bed

Talks with investment counselors are favored in bed

An error is not a mistake until you refuse to correct it in bed

Creative ventures are favored in bed

You are what you eat - choose wisely in bed

Depart not from the path which fate has you assigned in bed

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance in bed

Be honest with yourself in bed

An unfriendly co-worker will have a change of heart in bed

You will take a chance in the near future in bed

Take the middle road in bed

You can expect changes in your profession in bed




This is pretty bad humor if you ask me. But that doesn't mean it's not huariouse!

 

[mogg bomber]

I can't believe that with this many replies to the post, only Namielus mentioned where this came from. UCB is hilarious(sometimes, other times it's just weird), but obviously not too popular.

 

[Phyrexian Pie-Eater]

They didn't come up with the "in bed" game. All they did was make a funny skit about it. You suck...in bed. You won't please your wife...in bed. You can't keep it up...in bed. That was a good episode, but not as good as little donny and spitty-slurpy.

 

[mogg bomber]

Yeah, those are the best episodes. I just love the way they take seemingly random, unrelated sketches and bring them all together at the end. Although that little donny thing was more than a little weird. . .(but still funny)

 

[Thallid Ice Cream Man]

Today, I realized that this works not just with fortunecookies, but also with Magic card flavor text! Here are some of the best ones:

"Your spell has been rendered worthless. It is, however, quite pretty .(in bed)" Counterspell, MM

"You're Latulla's gift to me, and I always play with my presents (in bed )" Greel, Mind Raker [my personal favorite]

"They weren't part of my plan, but Gaea insisted (in bed)." Kavu Chameleon

"I need no army. I have Jamuraa (in bed)" Jolrael, Empress of Beasts

"To arms! To arms! The Lion roars (in bed) !" Reveille Squad (think about it)

"All we had left was their black and bloated bodies (in bed) " Marsh Viper

"It is no challenge to master a Mercadian (in bed)." Overtaker

"I'm up here. You're down there. Now who's the lower life form (in bed) ?" Benalish Trapper

"Magic often masters those who can not master it (in bed)." The Fallen

"The evincar has many ways of keeping track of his subjects (in bed)." Wandering Eye

There are many other mildly funny ones, but these are some of the best.

 

[Thallid Ice Cream Man]

Whay aren't you people responding? Maturity? Probably. oh well.

"Dominaria touches us all (in bed)." Molimo, maro-sorcerer

"Faith in Freyalise has given me the gift, not the curse, of unprecedented longevity (in bed)." Laina of the Elvish Council (Regeneration IA) Yes, that's a gift, riiiiiight.

"After years of training, the druid becomes one with natuyre, drawing power from the land and returning it when needed (in bed)" Ley Druid

"Why should one limit oneself to the resources at hand?" Harvest Mage

" 'All this time I thought Squee was useless,' chuckled Sisay. 'Who knew he'd be such a good shot (in bed)?' " Zap

"It's not Talruum Crystal, but I must admit - it gets the job done (in bed)" -Tahngarth Well, maybe we can't all afford Talruum crystal huh?

"When Gatha fell, he was called to account for each abomination he created."

"Friends teach you what you want to know.
Enemies teach you what you need to know."

"You aren't invited." As you can see, this card (Repulse) has three flying things on it.

more later...

 

[Hawaiian mage]

The Squee and Gatha one were he best yet!

I'll recite some of the ones I have in memory.

I promised you eternal life, I just didn't say were in bed.

What was once yours is mine, you friends, your familly, and now you life in bed.

The most fatal mistake in any wel thought out plan is the assumption you know more then your enimy in bed.

Death, an out dated concept. We sleep, and we change in bed.

I do not teach, I simply reveal in bed.

If it is ment to be nothing but a machine, then why did Urza build it to be like me in bed?

Dragons are known for they'er cruelty. But the shivan dragons seem to take personal glee in they'er victims sfereing. Like a cat, it will play with it's prey before dleivering the final blow in bed.

Fling in bed.

Are you sure you want to do that in bed?

The dead make exelletn soldiers. They don't use any resorces and dont stop fighting when a random body part falls off in bed.

Things are going to change around here in bed.

To fill you minds with knoledge, we must start be emptying it in bed.

There is nothing you can do that I can not simply deney in bed.

Volrath leaves no stone untrained in bed.

 

[Sleepy]

I like harvest mage when you add in bed. come to think of it I like everything in bed!

 

[Gerode]

Time Warp
"Let's do it again (in bed)!
-Squee, goblin deck hand

Jhoira's Toolbox
"It entertained Jhoira to craft a kit that could bring her the tools (in bed)."

Shield Dancer
"The harder you strike, the harder her defense (in bed)."

Ramosian Lieutenant
"Give me your hand and I will give you victory (in bed)."

Plague Witch
"I can ail what cures you (in bed)."

Agent of Shauku
"Go ahead. Take it. You'll be so very powerful... and what harm can it do (in bed)?"

 

[Thallid Ice Cream Man]

Getting in was easy. Getting out turned out to be the hard part (in bed) hee hee

If it could capture the power it wastes, it would be invincible (in bed)

It isn't truly born until its first flight (in bed)

If you do it right, they'll never know what hit them (in bed) Lightning Blow, from Ice Age

Not everyone gets a second chance (in bed)

(I like this one )
The true treasure no thef can touch (in bed) Kor Chant

To make peace with the forest, make peace with me (in bed)

One light, one blade, one purpose (in bed)
Serra Paladin

When the Lion roars, his cubs grow stronger (in bed) - now what could be equated to roaring?

The true dishonor for a soldier is surviving the war (in bed) Infantry Veteran

Like a sleeping dragon, Shiv stirs and groan at times (in bed) Falter

Don't insult a Talruum unless your mount is swift (in bed) Talruum Minotaur

The giant was felt a few second before he was seen (in bed) Thundering Giant

"I have my faith, and I have my prayers. But if push comes to shove, I've also got a little something extra (in bed)" Areneon's Aura

Remove the guardians to ensure your victory (in bed) Gaze of Pain

"I wonder how it feels to be bored (in bed)" Tinker

Dream's riches are easily spent (in bed). Dream Cache, Mirage

Barrin drowned his doubts about Urza's project by delving ever deeper into its details (in bed). Mental Discipline

"What I want, I take (in bed)" Binding Grasp 5E

Did the land make the Keldons? Did the Keldons make the land? Or were they simply meant for each other (in bed)? Flame Jet

The seed torches' pollen gives off light, but the elves find it heightens their senses as well (in bed).
Magnify

hee hee hee

 

[Hawaiian mage]

Lol!