so i want to rule the world...

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Teferi, Dec 9, 2000.

  1. Teferi Veteran CPA Member,Capt. Nemo

    Those of you who know me (none of you do) know that i joke around about taking over the world with an army of disgruntled mutant badger...while i was on another site i found the evil overlord career guide and i said to myself "d***, that's what i would do!"
    so here it is the evil overlord career guide

    Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays
    well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own
    hours. However, every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or
    seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the
    end. I`ve noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian
    lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they
    always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time.
    Therefore, if I ever happen to become an Evil Overlord:

    1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass
    visors, not face-concealing ones.

    2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

    3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed,
    not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my
    dungeon.

    4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

    5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept
    on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by
    the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The
    same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

    6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing
    them.

    7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before
    you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?"
    I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot
    him then say "No."

    8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married
    immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in
    three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be
    carried out.

    9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless
    absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large
    red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button
    marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on
    anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF
    switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

    10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a
    small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

    11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no
    need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or
    leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

    12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child.
    Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected
    before implementation.

    13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several
    rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the
    bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as
    any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the
    aforementioned disposal.

    14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or
    any other form of last request.

    15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I
    find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it
    to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just
    putting his plan into operation.

    16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you,
    there's just one thing I want to know."

    17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen
    to their advice.

    18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned
    attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a
    fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

    19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she
    was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd
    betray her own father.

    20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not
    indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to
    miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual
    could adjust to accordingly.

    21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original
    uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap
    knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman
    footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually
    defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

    22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited
    power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

    23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my
    troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to
    neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue
    energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a
    handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

    24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and
    weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the
    job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I
    AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

    25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct
    any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except
    for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

    26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion
    are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not
    desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before
    ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

    27. I will never build only one of anything important. All
    important systems will have redundant control panels and power
    supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two
    fully loaded weapons at all times.

    28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it
    cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

    29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my
    enemies into confusion.

    30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and
    cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death.
    My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have
    no source of comic relief.

    31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced
    with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected
    reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his
    sidekick.

    32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me
    bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers
    are hard to come by.

    33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my
    organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better
    with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely
    from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

    34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

    35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look
    diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member
    of Generation X.

    36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same
    cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important
    prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person
    instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the
    prison.

    37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are
    losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted
    lieutenant.

    38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or
    offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed
    immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring
    feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

    39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not
    ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek
    out my opposite number among his army.

    40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an
    unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as
    possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

    41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky
    time-travel devices.

    42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog,
    monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal
    capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him
    around.

    43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture
    the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power
    and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just
    let her in on my plans.

    44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those
    who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like
    even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

    45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is
    responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my
    general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say
    "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill
    some random underling.

    46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What
    can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the
    advisor.

    47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy
    me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of
    waiting for him to mature.

    48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or
    technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever
    broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

    49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can
    destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it.
    Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly
    put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

    50. My main computers will have their own special operating
    system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and
    Macintosh powerbooks.

    51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over
    the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will
    immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

    52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and
    surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret
    passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

    53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never
    marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well"
    and kill her.

    54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt
    to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

    55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their
    place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on
    important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will
    first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would
    attract less attention.

    56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship.
    Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will
    be used for target practice.

    57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will
    carefully read the owner's manual.

    58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose
    dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

    59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

    60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher
    any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under
    30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to
    passwords.

    61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a
    mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that
    satisfies them.

    62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding
    structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a
    firefight.

    63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not
    compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense
    about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable
    intervals.

    64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all
    extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which
    could prove to be a disadvantage.

    65. If I must have computer systems with publically available
    terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room
    clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the
    Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as
    Sewage Overflow Containment.

    66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner.
    Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts
    the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by
    repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.

    67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards
    will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction
    as a full-scale emergency.

    68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past.
    This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so.
    However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to
    spare them again, they'd better save my life again.

    69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will
    be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed
    in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by
    creatures of the wild.

    70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will
    always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so
    that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the
    other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup,
    instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

    71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she
    should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of
    marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

    72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange
    device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional
    weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.

    73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a
    rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is
    impossible for them to win.

    74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed
    so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the
    details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave
    it lying on top of my desk.

    75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en
    masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off
    and attack one or two at a time.

    76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him
    and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I
    will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle
    of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth
    considering.)

    77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the
    hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will
    retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant
    is out of earshot before making the offer.

    78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken
    alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is
    reasonably practical."

    79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch,
    as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made
    into limited-edition commemorative coins.

    80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send
    out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively
    stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

    81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have
    disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances
    behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of
    quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

    82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in
    front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous,
    unbalanced structure.

    83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet,
    then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new
    drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not
    to switch with him.

    84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the
    opposite sex.

    85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly
    complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred
    altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total
    eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the
    button."

    86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and
    properly grounded.

    87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in
    use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

    88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not
    berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try
    the task again.

    89. After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not
    immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I
    believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the
    hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

    90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every
    workstation is facing away from the door.

    91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted
    and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current
    entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

    92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt
    him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me
    new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves
    me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely
    return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly
    gullible in this regard.)

    93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an
    underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the
    hero is scheduled to go first.

    94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to
    stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

    95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete
    with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his
    cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch
    a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

    96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the
    control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the
    control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

    97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that
    contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.

    98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will
    carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and
    affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have
    forced them together against their will and they spend all their
    time bickering and criticizing each other except during the
    intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at
    which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately
    order their execution.

    99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb
    in size.

    100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a
    mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited
    Internet access.
  2. Teferi Veteran CPA Member,Capt. Nemo

    i just realized how long that was
  3. Fire Slinger Vetern CPA Member Pyromananic

    Haha

    Now we know of your insidious plans!
  4. Multani Treetrunk Guy

    You have one fatal flaw...

    You can't prevent what you don't know to exist.

    [me]and his fleet of Destroyers jump in from subspace for approximately 60 seconds and annihalate Teferi's planet before jumping out.[/me]

    And you thought I'd order the fleet to siege the planet and order it's surrender. :D

    In other words, get better tactical intelligence.
  5. Hawaiian mage CPA symbiod

    That's the first time my eyes have actually glazed over...

    Cool!
  6. Teferi Veteran CPA Member,Capt. Nemo

    [me] dies[/me]

    Multani that's the second time you killed me today :D!
  7. Multani Treetrunk Guy

    I must be on a roll today. :D

    I'm just providing postive critisim to your brilliant precautions. :D
  8. K9Archmage He Might Be Giants

    *Suddenly, millions of demented weasels come and gnaw on everybody's legs!

    HOipa
  9. Teferi Veteran CPA Member,Capt. Nemo

    *suddenly Billions of disgruntled badgers maul the weasels

    [me] is also mauled to death by a disgruntled badger[/me]
  10. K9Archmage He Might Be Giants

    * suddenly, millions of sheep come and jump on the badgers

    [me] is also jumped on[/me]

    Hoipa
  11. Multani Treetrunk Guy

    Geee...for a planeswalker, you sure are bad at dealing with threats. Have you ever heard of "Planeswalking to escape attack????"

    I mean, I do it all the time in the battle arena. You gotta learn how to survive kid. It's tough a neighborhood.
  12. Teferi Veteran CPA Member,Capt. Nemo

    damn sheep:D! i can't deal with them...oh wait i phase them out of existance..bwhahaha...(cough)..bwha(cough)

    [me]dies of some sort of posionus gas[/me]

    Innocent Bystander: poor guy, he never had a chance....
    *innocent bystander is killed by K9's sheep
  13. Zhaneel Resident Gryphon Queen

    wow... that was long... amusing, tho

    let me see, Teferi... how many times did you just die? 3 times?

    [me]shrugs, starts up her own Empire, and sends out some of her legions of instrument-playing guys to overthrow the sheep[/me]
  14. Darsh Corrupt CPA Member

    You all call that an evil empire? I'll show you an evil empire.

    [me] starts his own empire of N'Sync, Backstreet Boys, Ricki Martin, and other boy band clones[/me]

    Now I will rule the top 40 chart!

    [me]'s clones start singing, millions of groupies come from no where and surround the clones[/me]

    Now I have a clone army AND a groupies army, Muwhaha!
  15. Teferi Veteran CPA Member,Capt. Nemo

    Now THAT'S an EVIL empire!
  16. Phyrexian Pie-Eater Veteran CPA Member<BR><FONT co

    The guy from D&D should have followed that. That movie was soooooooooo F***ing bad its not funny. I wept at the end. Really. Anyway, my evil empire goes something like this:

    Level 1: Me. No 1 else. There is no power behind me. I am the top.

    Level 2: Cherry Pie-Guys. They're very smart, but not very good fighters. They advise me about stuff, and make sure everyone else is working

    Level 3: Key-Lime Pie-Guys. The best fighters. They don't really like anyone but me, and no one is really their friend. They don't dislike them, but they don't deal with people much.

    Level 4: Bananna Cream Pie-Guys: These guys are my do-all dudes. They fight, they lead other fighters, they work out complex problems, they make a mean milk shake... what more could you ask for?

    Level 5: Chocolate Pie-guys. They are the grunts. They have large numbers, and aren't the smartest, but they ain't stupid clones of each other either. Good fighters, Ok thinkers.

    Level 6: Moon Pie-Guys. These are all my technicians. They know how to work stuff, and they do their jobs good. OK at killin stuff too

    Level 7: Pecan Pie-Guys. These are my spies. You don't know that...[me]hold up neuralizer...it flashes[/me] Anyway...

    Level 8: Whipped Cream Pie-Guys. This is my air force. They man Airsal powered planes and drop paratrupers on unsuspecting enimies.

    Level 9: Chicken Pot Pie-Guys. This is my Demolitions group. Anything i don't like, they can blow up. That goes for hero strongholds, houses of hero's, houses of hero's family...ect ect.

    Level 10: Classified. Level 1 clearance needed to access Robo-Pie Files. All information contained within can only be accessed with a complete body scan including dental, blood, finger print, eye, and urine. Go ahead, try and get it all. Also there are 10 Level 3 guards at the only terminal that can access this information. If the scanner sees one of thier lifesigns stop, this file is locked out.

    My troops. They also have vehicles, and weapons of mass destruction.
  17. Apollo Bird Boy

    Those were funny, Teferi. When I become ruler of the earth, I'll be sure to take your advice.
  18. nodnarb24 Supreme Overlord/The Rat King

    My empire was created when the empire of Planet Rat and I joined forces. We are the most technologically advanced empire in the universe. Right now your mind is being controlled through our secret psychic beams. You may think that you are thinking on your own free will but in actuallity it is the psychic beams and I who are controlling you and everyone else.
  19. Multani Treetrunk Guy

    [me]blows up Nodnarb with a Bazooka.[/me]

    I don't know Nodnarb. Maybe your beam doesn't affect trees.... :D
  20. nodnarb24 Supreme Overlord/The Rat King

    [me]deactivates the beam so multani can see that he just blew up Apollo not Nodnarb24 then Nodnarb24 reactivates the beam.[/me]

    HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! YOU ONLY THOUGHT YOU DESTROYED ME BUT YOU ACTUALLY JUST KILLED APOLLO!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

    So much fun!!!


    [Edited by nodnarb24 on 12-09-00 at 10:32 PM]

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