D
DarthFerret
Guest
This was actually reported by a real news reporter over one of my local radio stations. Even the reporter could not hold back his laughter. It took him about 4 minutes to finally get through the entire story......
From an article in the Los Angeles Times...
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only
trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors
in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.
Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had
been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had
gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and
slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted
out "Armageddon", my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve
Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube
and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."
At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what
happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame
shot out the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning
his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in
turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling
the rodent out like a cannonball."
Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the
impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns
to his anus and lower intestinal tract.
-------
O.K., here's the top ten things that scared me the most in reading this
story:
10) "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum . . ." Ouch!!!
9) "So I peered into the tube . . ." Aaaaaahhhhhhh. I'm sorry, but
that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use
binoculars to stare at the sun.
8) That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self esteem)
being shot out of the guy's ass like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on
Rocky & Bullwinkle.
7) Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of
someone's ass. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt said
gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's
"tunnel of love."
6) People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in
their rectums.
5) People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were
doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I
would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal
sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal
lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I
just can't imagine looking at a doctor and saying "Well doc, it's
like this. See we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this
cardboard tube . . ."
4) "First and second degree burns to the anus". Wouldn't this make
the burning itch and discomfort of hemmoroids a welcome relief?
How does one ever take a healthy **** after something like this?
And the smell of burning anus must be in the top five most
horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.
3) People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for
"Idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts."
2) What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference on this?
1) This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those
Mormons? I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond
family.
From an article in the Los Angeles Times...
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only
trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors
in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.
Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had
been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had
gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and
slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted
out "Armageddon", my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve
Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube
and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."
At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what
happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame
shot out the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning
his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in
turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling
the rodent out like a cannonball."
Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the
impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns
to his anus and lower intestinal tract.
-------
O.K., here's the top ten things that scared me the most in reading this
story:
10) "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum . . ." Ouch!!!
9) "So I peered into the tube . . ." Aaaaaahhhhhhh. I'm sorry, but
that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use
binoculars to stare at the sun.
8) That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self esteem)
being shot out of the guy's ass like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on
Rocky & Bullwinkle.
7) Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of
someone's ass. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt said
gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's
"tunnel of love."
6) People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in
their rectums.
5) People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were
doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I
would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal
sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal
lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I
just can't imagine looking at a doctor and saying "Well doc, it's
like this. See we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this
cardboard tube . . ."
4) "First and second degree burns to the anus". Wouldn't this make
the burning itch and discomfort of hemmoroids a welcome relief?
How does one ever take a healthy **** after something like this?
And the smell of burning anus must be in the top five most
horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.
3) People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for
"Idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts."
2) What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference on this?
1) This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those
Mormons? I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond
family.
