Armageddon - Not for the Faint of Heart

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by DarthFerret, Dec 22, 2005.

  1. DarthFerret Evil Sith Weasel

    This was actually reported by a real news reporter over one of my local radio stations. Even the reporter could not hold back his laughter. It took him about 4 minutes to finally get through the entire story......

    From an article in the Los Angeles Times...

    "In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only
    trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors
    in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.

    Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had
    been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had
    gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and
    slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted
    out "Armageddon", my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve
    Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube
    and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."

    At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what
    happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame
    shot out the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning
    his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in
    turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling
    the rodent out like a cannonball."

    Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the
    impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns
    to his anus and lower intestinal tract.


    O.K., here's the top ten things that scared me the most in reading this

    10) "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum . . ." Ouch!!!

    9) "So I peered into the tube . . ." Aaaaaahhhhhhh. I'm sorry, but
    that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use
    binoculars to stare at the sun.

    8) That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self esteem)
    being shot out of the guy's ass like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on
    Rocky & Bullwinkle.

    7) Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of
    someone's ass. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt said
    gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's
    "tunnel of love."

    6) People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in
    their rectums.

    5) People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were
    doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I
    would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal
    sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal
    lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I
    just can't imagine looking at a doctor and saying "Well doc, it's
    like this. See we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this
    cardboard tube . . ."

    4) "First and second degree burns to the anus". Wouldn't this make
    the burning itch and discomfort of hemmoroids a welcome relief?
    How does one ever take a healthy **** after something like this?
    And the smell of burning anus must be in the top five most
    horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.

    3) People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for
    "Idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts."

    2) What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference on this?

    1) This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those
    Mormons? I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond
  2. Spiderman CPA Man in Tights, Dopey Administrative Assistant

    This is a pretty old urban legend. I'm not sure if your reporter thought it was real or just funny, but here's the scoop on it...
  3. DarthFerret Evil Sith Weasel

    Actually, I think that one of the people at the radio station slipped it in as a "real" news story just to see if the reporter could make it through the whole thing!
  4. Nightstalkers Creature — Nightstalker

    I'm surprised you guys didn't know about this... They were following the prescribed methods to making an "oinkcannon"
  5. Spiderman CPA Man in Tights, Dopey Administrative Assistant

    I knew about it before... that's what I meant when I said "it's a pretty old urban legend". I guess it wasn't clear if I was talking about myself knowing or getting it from the website though.
  6. DarthFerret Evil Sith Weasel

    As long as you were not talking about yourself "Exeriencing", it is all good! :)

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