[Authors Note: In an effort to get you people to stop reading Quard's Corner I resorted to using a plethora of light bulb jokes all throughout this article. Unfortunately, you people loved them. Life is SO unfair. This Corner also revealed, for the first time the existence of the ultra-world-famous Golden Rosewater Idol of Greatness. Originally appeared in the Jan. 1998 issue of the Vault e-zine]
Quard's Corner: Mental Powers, Magic and Lightbulb Jokes
by Vincent Navarino
[Somewhere in a dark basement in a house not unlike your own, except for it being completely different, a fly-headed robed figure with red clawed hands and his imaginary trained typing ferret work feverishly to type up his latest ramblings. A whip cracking in the air is heard as their publisher stands over them demanding and cruel. Faster they type. Faster. So fast that they exceed thepunctuationlimit astheyreachterminaltypingvelocity]
(Sorry we hit a writer's block. Pain. Hurts. Owie.)
In ye olden times a fly-headed individual such as myself would have been hunted and killed by primitive man. Especially after it was discovered that I had eight voices lurking in my fragile cranium (all come complete with little tin cans they use to rattle their cages with) and Ferratio, my imaginary trained typing ferret. In modern times however, people like you read the babblings of such an individual and accidentally succumb to my mental powers. That's right folks, I am now in complete control. I control the horizontal, the vertical; your venetian blinds. You are now condemned to be my little string puppets. Dance, puppets, dance! Bwa-haha-ha-ha!
Don't believe me? Right now you're trying to tear your eyes from the screen. You can't. I'm in control now. 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10. Still in control. Your eyes are following the text. You are reading. You can't help yourself. You want to stop. You are screaming. No one can hear you. I can keep this up for hours. Read any good books, lately? Do you hate your brother? Got punished for getting bad grades? Failed a math test? Shy? Scroll...scroll...scroll your eyes right across the screen, merrily merrily merrily merrily...don't you want to scream?
Alright, you've had enough; take it easy. I give you back your eyes. Thanks for stopping by this paragraph. Read another sentence. Read two. I think I've made my point.
[Note: The author of this article is a proud member of the MHRSO (Magic Humorist Reader Surveyors Organization), a non-for profit organization whose purpose is to capture, tag and release Magic humor readers back into the wild, in order to be able to someday accurately count their numbers. Please note the large and quite heavy metal yellow tag that we just clamped on your left ear while you were under Quard's mental powers. We regret any inconvenience; it was either that or radio collars.]
Q: Hey Quard I heard that WotC is not allowing US distributors to sell their cards to those Canadians. What's that about? - James C.
A: At first I was outraged about the whole thing but after thinking about it a little while longer, I feel that's only fair; after all they won't export Molson XXX to the States. Bring the beer and we'll send the cards. On a slightly serious note however, I think the situation bites.
Q: Did you hear about any new card abilities from the next expansion? - Dave B.
A: Yes, there are two new abilities (well one is when you think about it) in the upcoming edition titled Stronghold. One is called Fleecing (an automatic continuous ability of any card that sucks which appears in a Rare slot) and some cards have the following new activated creature ability:
0: Play Rock, Paper, Scissors with opponent. If you win
creature gains +2/+2 or gains +0/+4. If you lose bury
creature. Use this ability only once per turn.
Q: How many Magic tournament players does it take to change a lightbulb? - Steve R.
A: None; they can't change their clothes what makes you think they could change a lightbulb?
[Special Note: In the spirit of fairness to all, I will not single out any one group when doing lightbulb jokes. This way instead of accidentally offending one group, I can accidentally offend all of them.]
Q: How many Pro Tour Players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None; they're too busy trying to show the judges a Wylie said message to dispute a ruling they fail to notice that the lightbulb is as broken as their reasoning.
Q: How many Judges does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None; that's what players are for.
Q: How many Head Judges does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None; that's what lower level (1&2) Judges are for.
Q: How many Tournament Organizers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None; that's what volunteers are for.
Q: How many Classic (Type I) Players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None; lightbulbs are not broken. Nothing is.
Q: How many Classic Restricted (Type 1.5) Players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None; if lightbulbs were broken we wouldn't be allowed to put 4 in our decks.
Q: How many Standard (Type II) players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None; lightbulbs are broken and are therefore banned. We use candles.
Q: How many Extended players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None; but we just got Juggernauts unrestricted! Woo!
Q: How many Sealed Deck people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: He has a lightbulb in his deck?! &*^%#@!, I lost!
Q: How many MTPA members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, that's a job for the equal in size BLRSIO (Broken Lightbulb Repair Screwers In Organization). And they have cool shirts.
Q: How many Magic NetReps does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: We'll let you know when we get the latest monthly Rules Team Report.
Q: How many Magic playtesters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None; lightbulbs were in an older expansion.
Q: How many Research and Development staffers at WotC does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Hey, we're going to tell Mark Rosewater about this joke...
(Quard quickly stops, apologizes, lights two candles at the Golden Rosewater Idol of Greatness located in a secret room in the WotC Game Center and makes the proper ritualistic gesture of writhing for forgiveness while the entire WotC R&D team looks on and chants "Ohm." After doing this for twenty straight hours, Quard hands each R&D member a pizza and is quickly forgiven for his transgressions.)
Q: When will you shut up? - Dave Feest (a friend of mine that was staring over my shoulder while I was writing this article)
A: When I'm hired by WotC and am forced to write about Decipher card games.
Q: You are insane, how do you do it? - Kyle G.
A: The theory everyone's going with right now is the nurse dropped me. Twice. With feeling.
Q: Are you really as nuts as you seem in your columns or are you just a creative writer? - DrNate, IRC
A: I am not creative, I just jot down what the voices tell me to.
Q: You seem to be a smart fellow; do you know the Ultimate Truth? - Ellen R.
A: I think I do. When I became thirteen years old, my father bestowed unto me the entire benefit of his fatherly wisdom. I'll remember the night that changed my life forever when my Daddy stared me right in the eyes, recognizing me for the first time as a man. We were two guys talking guy talk. That was when he told me it was time for me to know The Ultimate Truth. A truth that was passed down from father to son through the generations. I'll never forget when he said:
"Son, never try to feed a love-sick rhino."
He said it with such conviction that I didn't dare tell him I had absolutely no clue as to what in the kelp he was talking about. I just nodded, dumbfounded and thanked him for telling me The Ultimate Truth. He made me promise that I would fulfill my manly duties and tell my son the truth when he became a man at thirteen. Which of course I had no intention of doing. I may be crazy but I'm not stupid. Well, hope that answered your question. (BTW it was just after that the voices started.)
Q: Hey Quard, is it me or do these PT players keep forgetting that Magic's just a game? - daReaver, Internet
A: Quard reminds players and judges alike that Magic is a game where two people meet to have fun and that it's not all about money, glamour or winning. In a tournament, chances are you'll be a loser, still dress poorly, no one will probably ever care what your name is and... and... and now that I mention it why does anyone ever play in a tournament? Oops, looks like I just broke that non-disclosure agreement. Anyone know a good lawyer?
Q: Hey Quard, if the MTPA printed up shirts, what would they say? - Ricky B.
A: It'd say "We have WotC right where they want us." Rumor has it that they need 7 more members to order shirts though as the normal minimum order is 10.
Q: Does Abeyance, Nether Void or Bazaar of Wonders stop a mana source? - Carl J.
A: Nothing stops mana sources except a "Wylie said" message.
Q: Hey Quard, no one is funnier than you! - Wendy S.
A: Think so? Read the latest blunder called Oracle and try to say that again. I laughed so hard until I realized the person writing it was serious. Then the crying started.
Q: Is it true that you think foreigners are smarter then us folks in the States, Quard? - Hazard, Internet
A: Foreigners are not much smarter than people from the States. Their economic values are bizarre and definitely unique as with the Judge Certification Program...they get nothing and they pay nothing; while we pay $25 ($35 if you count the $10 test) for the same lack of privileges the Judge Certification Program freely doles out to everyone. We're obviously much smarter than they are. (Psst...sarcasm alert.)
Q: Is there anything we can expect not to see in a Quard's Corner article? - James C.
A: Here's a list of Things You Won't See In Quard's Corner:
- The word eccymosis used in a sentence other than this one.
- Dancing baby harp seals (they have no rhythm and do that annoying "Arf! Arf! Arf! clap! clap!" thingy. Also fish breath, need I say more?)
- Fond references to Oracle, Lion's Eye Diamond, 5th Edition, Goblin Bomb and The Let's Rip Off All The Stupid Americans Judges Certification Program.
- Me talking about Magic strategy. I sit in the back like the rest of you reading other people's strategy posts thinking stupidly "Hey, I could do better than that guy"; and I'm not going to let you people do the same to me. Pbbbfttt!
- A Magic singles price guide. (Quard's Price Guide is simple and not as pathetic as all the others that cater to the major species of humanity affectionately called sheep by store owners that set the prices in said guides. Rares are $5, Uncommons are $1 and Commons are either 10 cents or free.)
- Me naked. I thank you for all the letters but right now I'm not into physical comedy.
Q: How do you prefer to beat your opponent, Quard? - Dave T.
A: Usually, I reach out with my arms fully extended, wrap both hands around his neck and squeeze real hard. Or if time is of the essence, I use a shovel.
Q: How do you explain some of those crazy confusing rulings that WotC puts out like Verdant Forces, counters on a Mishra's Factory or Furnace of Rath? - Theresa, Internet
A: My judging technique is simple; the longer the ruling, the shorter my explanation. These days its normally "because", *shrug* or "I said so." It beats trying to explain it the way the Rules Team does. (Verdant Forces; one day it works correctly, the next it gives everyone a token, then it gives the controller a token, later it gives the controller of the upkeep ability a token, even later it gives the controller a token during everyone's upkeep. It's a dessert topping, it's a floor wax, it dices, slices, juliennes [that means cut into strips], it tastes great, it's less filling... aaaaarrrrgghghhh!)
Q: How can one tell easily that a ruling doesn't make sense? - Jakal, IRC
A: Here's a simple way to understand quickly if a ruling doesn't make sense:
- If the explanation takes up more than one sentence.
- If the explanation uses terms like "phase effect", "activated ability", "continuous ability", "phase effect", "triggered", "active controller" or if the term "mana source" is ever used.
- If when you use the most basic common math and it still doesn't add up (like a 2/2 creature isn't a 1/1 creature if it has 1 +1/+1 counter and two -1/-1 counters on it).
- If Tom Wylie, any one of the Netreps and a Level IV judge do not agree on a particular ruling it practically screams stupidity.
- Any ruling coming from any member of WotC's Customer Service people that later is quoted from someone on Usenet screaming about how some stupid Judge ruled incorrectly and made him lose the tournament.
Q: With writing Quard's Corner for over a year do you feel you are starting to get a God complex? - DeRanged, IRC
A: Not really no, although come to think of it I do feel at times that I am a minor deity. After all, my father thought he was God. I never knew that God couldn't program a VCR; kinda strange concept. Heh, I'll never forget the last words I heard my dear old Dad say to me:
I'll never forgive him for those last words. Or Mom; she had my bags already packed and ready to go. But that's alright, I got the last laugh; I have their walkers.
Well people I have to go now, it's time to feed Ferratio. Last time I forgot to feed him he kinda got a little upset. The stitches come out tomorrow. Take care...
Special Quote of the Month:
"Quard's Corner is the only reason I own a modem, and you can
quote me on that" - *THE* Jeff Donais on IRC. (He lies but what the heck.)
Note: Are there any Magic related questions you'd like to ask me that might see print in an upcoming Quard's Corner in Vault? If so, e-mail your questions to me at email@example.com.
This article was put together for your reading pleasure by Vincent B. Navarino (aka Quard on IRC:#mtg) and his imaginary trained typing Ferret, Ferratio. Vincent considers himself quite the humorist and can regularly be spotted late at night on IRC #mtg(EFNet) tormenting the people there with his rantings. He'd also like to write Magic humor for the Duelist and someday might start submitting his articles to them, but is too afraid of rejection right now after not having a date in over 3 years. If you'd like to talk with him please feel free to send him e-mail at [email]firstname.lastname@example.org[/email All feedback received is welcomed.
Warning: any hate mail will be forwarded to a neighbor he doesn't like.