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Newbie's Nightmare
By Alex Major
Legal Disclaimer #1 :Before you read anything, let me just say: I am a scrub. Any newbie who is angered by this article and wishes to make something of it may be inclined to get one of his/her Pro Tour friends to write a "Scrubís Nightmare" Humor article. If this is the case, I will take full responsibility for such an article, as the Lords of Card are my witnesses.

Legal Disclaimer #2: I would like to remind you scrubs out there that any army of self-respecting scrubs would never attack, lynch, or cause any damage to the cheese of a fellow scrub, even if he/she commissions an anti-scrub article (in a legal disclaimer, anyway).

Considering that my lawyer is an Aboroth having a Fit of Rage (don't look at me... Mark Rosewater cast it!), I was informed that those exact words were necessary (although he studied law under Sally Struthersí correspondence service - donít let him know I told you or weíll be bouncing faster than a band of Beebles - and so he doesnít know much legal terminology). Now then...

Want to get your kicks by giving newbies nightmares? Well, youíve come to the right place. Today I will discuss two ways to do so, with the same deck. It all starts with a simple decklist.....

Mountain x11
School of the Unseen x4
Timberline Ridge x4
Dormant Volcano x2
Koskun Keep x2
Winding Canyons x1

Ydwen Efreet x4
Roc of Kher Ridges x4
Raging Spirit x3
Crystal Golem x4
Triskelion x2
Tetravus x1

Orcish Mine x4
Brand of Ill Omen x2
Melee x3
Fissure x2
Rust x2
Fellwar Stone x3
Red Mana Battery x2

Sideboard

Rogue Skycaptain x4
Crimson Manticore x3
Ritual of Subdual x4
Wand of Ith x4

For those of you who have been playing for at least two to three years and think "Yeah, I know most of the cards," guess what: I bet that you went to your Encyclopedia for at least one of these cards. The absolute latest any of these cards was printed was June 1997, and thatís just the Winding Canyons.
If youíre a newbie, you probably looked up all of them.

And now, the two ways to give newbies nightmares:
1) Play with a deck like this in some newbie tournament. Preferably, use German Renaissance (like 4th edition) Mountains, so they recognize 0% of the cards. Hopefully, youíll waste half the round letting said newbie look at what you just cast, and since theyíre a newbie, theyíll lose anyway, no matter how scrubby the deck is (and believe me, a deck that runs in the main deck a card to "counter target artifact ability with an activation cost" is scrubby).

2) Post a deck like this on the Dojo. For added confusion factors, list it in alphabetical order, make a spelling "mistake", or say "Main deck total: 98" when there are only 60 cards in it. This might make it hard to get the article posted, but if you have some influence with the editor of the Dojo or threaten to make a shrine to Mike Long, you shouldnít have problems. Here is how I would submit this deck according to this method:

Brand of Ill Omen x2
Crystal Golem x4
Dormant Volcano x2
Fellwar Stone x3
Fissure x2
Koskun Keep x2
Melee x3
Mountain x11
Orcish Mine x4
Raging Spirit x3
Red Mana Battery x2
Roc of Kher Ridges x4
Rust x2
School of the Unseen x4
Timberline Ridge x4
Tetravus x1
Triskelion x2
Winding Canyons x1
Ydwen Efreet x4

Sideboard

Rogue Skycaptain x4
Crimson Manticore x3
Ritual of Subdual x4
Wand of Ith x4

Main Deck:
Aside from the Mountains, Dormant Volcano, Koskun Keep, School of the Unseen and Timberline Ridge provide amazing flexibility. Winding Canyons is too good not to use. Brand of Ill Omen, Fissure, Orcish Mine, and Triskelion are good for controlling the board, and Rust is great utility. Your creatures are your main offense, and they are all incredibly versatile as well. One obviously needs a lot of mana for this type of deck. This is my Classic version of the deck, but my Type II version has a record of 35 and Q.
Sideboard:
Crimson Manticore, Rogue Skycaptain, Ritual of Subdual and Wand of Ith are good.

Hopefully, they wonít have attended enough tournaments to know that you canít have a record of 35 and Q.

Happy Torture!

PS: Iím sorry, newbies. There is nothing personal, it is just that a gifted writer such as myself (did you see any grammar errors? I donít think so! [Editor's Note: Pfft! That's what he thinks!] My computer doesnít even have grammar check... and I know "newbie" isnít really a word) occasionally feels an undeniable temptation (I used an eleven letter word! [Editor's Note: Uhh... it only has 10.] Iím so happy...... well, this is a humor article) to jokingly prey on the inexperience of a group of people using said writerís artful forte for locution. Besides, if I had picked on tournament players, none of them would read this, and I would not risk picking on scrubs, as being kicked out of the Guild of the Scrub would not be worth such a blasphemous act of impertinence. Itís just more fun this way, but Iím sorry in the end.

PPS: I had to write that after I learned that Sally Struthers is an Orgg.


PPPS: Yes, this is a very bad deck (except that the Rituals of Subdual might come in handy).

AlexTarget@aol.com

Read More Articles by Alex Major!

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